Future Me Scares Me

   That's it, though. Precisely it. Past me scares me because presast makes perfect. The arrow is aimed of the past and let loose of the present, and we can see the trajectory of the future. If my past was so frightening, I don't know what I've got the potential to be. I was a terrifyingly bright child, with a relatively low IQ for someone with an IQ that high. I must have been le enfant terrible at that time, only as a supergenius mastermind. Though, nope, testing from that period showed a low disposition for... well, for disposition. "A personal weakness for Planning," that was it. I've never been very good at strategy. So, thank goodness for that. I'd hate to turn into Arslan or something.

   No, wait. The Planning test, while it did show that as my personal weakness, showed it as being in the low averages. This was labeled my personal weakness, as my other scores were Superior, (or high-ish Average on the Attention Scale.) Hmm, we're going to have to delve deeper into this. I've got the report in front of me now. Date of Examination: October 7, 2002. Examiner: Stephen F Jackson, M.Ed, Ed.S.. CONFIDENTIAL PSYCHOLOGICAL REPORT. Shoot, maybe I shouldn't be sharing this. Ah, well, I'll try not to quote it directly too much. Though I did already do so with the "personal weakness for Planning" thing. And don't I, as the subject, at least have some right to divulge it here? Well, I guess I'd better explain the Planning Test, at least.

   The Planning test on the CAS (at least at that time) comes in two parts: Matching Numbers (whereby, in order to become efficient in finding the matching numbers in gradually toughening challenges the student has to develop strategies to find the numbers) and Planned Codes. This is publicly available, so I feel alright sharing that much. Now, Planned Codes itself comes in two parts. In the first part the student has to complete a simple repetitive task, and in the second half the student has to override the automatic responses used in the first half, exhibiting higher order cognitive control. I appeared to be "lost" during the second half of that test, and "responded to the test in a random manner." A-ha. How interesting. I don't know what this means (or what I was thinking,) but it's interesting. At that time I was also evaluated by a psychiatrist (J. Zenoa "Dr. Zen" Meservy, MD, Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, it would seem?), and that's when I was diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder.

   "Though Eric does not show the typical repetitive, stereotyped movements, usually associated with Austism [sic], Eric's tests results are similar to the state definition of Autism:

   "The pupil has a spectrum disorder which significantly affects the verbal and nonverbal communication and social skills of a person and is often characterized by repetitive and stereotyped movements, resistance to changes in environment or daily routine and responding to sensory experiences in an unusual manner, is usually apparent before the age of 3; and adversely affects the educational performance of a pupil causing significant delays or irregular patterns in learning or both."

   2002, October. That must have been third- no, fourth grade. Let's see, the Towers fell in September of second grade, so, yeah, that was third grade. I've always considered that to be a good year, so maybe it was on account of special treatment of that diagnosis? I had always thought it was because of Matt. It seems like they knew or at least suspected autism before that, though, going back to 1999 or sooner, but the diagnosis was set at Asperger's in 2003.

   Thank goodness. I'd hate to get stuck with PDD-NOS.

Past Me Scares Me

   Past me scares me. Not just because I flipped my lid often and sometimes beat up girls for no reason. Crap, that sounds horrible. No, though, I'm (mostly?) over that. Looking through my old education files, I found a lot dealing with... my education, in those files. Yeah. Not just being taught, you understand, but learning. Looking through my education files, I learned how I learned.

   Was I really so paralyzed? Now I can (hopefully) catch my own awkwardnesses (how's my slouching? Is it really all that bad? It doesn't it make me look like I have special needs, does it? Oh, man. I don't do that thing where I curl my hands, do I?) but back then I must have been blind. Maybe Mrs. Rigg-Anderson's anecdote about the student who went around imitating a robot all the time with his parents thinking that it'd be perfectly abnormal for a second grader to do anything else, maybe her telling that was somehow triggered by something I did (it was Rigg-Anderson, right?) Either way, yes, I did no that acting like a robot was not "just a second-grade thing."

   Past me also scares me because of, in spite of all that, how bright I (once again, allegedly) was. I've seen my IQ scores from back then, and they aren't all that high. Well, not as high as you'd expect from such a student. I've also seen my drawings from back then, which weren't very good either, but I was supposed to be a pretty good artist so maybe they've just got different standards for kids. (I've heard that.) Self-esteem is important...

   I've also seen my IEPs. Well, that's where I mostly retrieved the IQ information from, so, yes, I've seen those. Yeah, let's talk about that. The other parts of my IEP, the parts of my Individualized Education Plan that actually planned my education. This is it, this is the heart of it. Why I'm afraid of who I was.

   They had set goals for me, like, Eric will learn to make eye contact where appropriate, 80% of the time. I don't recall being trained like that. I don't even recall learning to make eye contact until I decided to do so on my own. Past me scares me because it's weird to think of my strings being pulled by unseen puppet masters throughout my schooling. I've clearly made improvements in those areas, but the implications as to how that happened are kind of disturbing. Most of my knowledge of IEPs came from being required to attend the personal parent/teacher conferences where they talked about me. I was totally oblivious otherwise. It's not like I knew that other kids didn't have little rituals they did with their teacher whenever they overheated.

IEPs

   I've been flipping through my old medical records, which are actually mostly old school records, mostly IEPs (Individualized Education Plans) because of my ASPARAGUS IN THE ROOM, which I suppose does count as medical? But I got a good view of myself, as a student. What I must have been like, this mind impenetrable to all but myself. And even I don't have a clue what I was thinking during some of the psychological tests they administered. Those only show the what, not the why. So I guess now would be a good time to try to explain the why.

   It's... frightening. A lot of it is. My past self. My file. The plans made for me, the mechanisms designed to give me a normal schooling experience.

   Special Education wasn't a regular class of mine since, uh, at least after 2004. For 2004, my IEP says the student will spend 90% of his or her school day in the regular educational environment. So, by then I was-- 2005, 86%? What the hay? It dropped! The amount of time in the regular educational environment dropped! What was that- was that from sixth the seventh grade? Oh, okay. I was transitioning into Junior High. But still, I spent most of my school day in a normal classroom

   Gifted and Talented Education doesn't count, nor does the speech therapy I underwent, I don't think. But my teachers had special in-class programs (here in the computer program sense of the word) in place to cool me down in case I got out of hand. But I didn't realize that. That went through a lot of iterations of these programs, trying out different tacks, which I guess is what made it invisible to me. It was there, and it was invisible, because it changed. I must have improved my behavior due to these, but I didn't realize it. I'm not sure if I even realized my behavior was abnormal. Maybe inappropriate, but what I did wasn't (considered by me to be) tantrums. Just a perfectly normal reaction.

   I must have realized and worked to correct some of this behavior- for example, the case file on the speech therapy says I was actively working to correct my own problems in mispronunciation, and was dismissed from their services on May 6, 2005. I didn't realize I had a speech problem before that therapy, but I was given an examination seven and a half years prior, on November 11, 1998, which stated I was eligible. I had apparently been in speech therapy all along since then. I didn't know I was in speech therapy, though, until the fifth grade, and I wouldn't even have known I was in it that long beforehand if I didn't see the date on the report. I thought I had both started and ended it in fifth grade. Nope, K-7. It's like these invisible strings were pulling me and I had no idea all along. Which is another scary thing.

   By the end, when I did know I was supposed to be in speech therapy, I was apparently actively trying to correct my pronunciation (maybe because I knew that I had a problem.) So they dropped it. Once again, without my realization. I didn't even know they had dropped it, until just now when I reviewed the old file, and realized what it said and meant. I didn't know. That they had dropped it, that I was improving. But ever since they dropped my speech therapy without my knowledge, I've always been self-conscious of my own speech patterns, thinking I had never improved.

   That's another scary thing, how I could have been so oblivious to the things that were told me (or at least should have been told me.) You want me to make a list? Very well. I shall do so.

Weekday Thespis 5

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Weekday Thespis 4

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Weekday Thespis 3

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Weekday Thespis 2

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Weekday Thespis 1

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Thespis Concept Art

   When I first decided to set out on the creation of Thespis, I had a few ideas which I sketched down here to brainstorm. Then I realized that the concept was fleshed out enough in my head as it was, so the entire exercise was kind of pointless. At least I got a good post out of it.

Also, Emo Hitler.

Nightly Time Travel

   What if dreams are real, only from some absurdly far-off sci-fi future with technology sufficiently advanced? The reality of this distant future is highly mutable, of course, seeing as how dreams change from night to night. Ooh, what if the situation in the dreams changes from night to night because the reality of the dreams is mutable because the timeline itself is mutable? The mere act of time travel changes the course of history, so the time stream changes.

   That's a wikked sweet idea.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, January 10, 2010

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Transcript:
Marvin, thinking: Okay so, Eric Perazzo wants to kill Collin off. The creator of a -I'm gonna admit it- fictional character- is going to kill off his creation.
With godlike ability, there's no way to tell from where the strike will come.
This looks familiar.
Marvin: Hmm...

I’M PRETTY SURE THAT I CAN’T FEEL THE LOVE TONIGHT

I remember my first date with my first love
The Lion King at the dollar movie theater.
I remember how cute I thought that you looked
I felt so lucky to have my arm around your shoulder.

I remember how you cried
When Mufasa died
You were so cute when you did that.
I was pretty teared up myself, of course,
--- jungle cat.
I remember when you turned to me
When Simba and Kira fell in love.
When you said that the song that they played
was the song that our song was.
I remember it like yesterday.
When you said that the song that they played
was the song that our song was.
I remember how I heard you say

“Well, I know that I can feel the love tonight,”
And I thought I could too.
But them you left me all too soon
And there’s nothing I can do.

‘Cause it’s been a long time since 1994
And it’s been a long time since 1998
And it’s been a long time since 2004
Now it’s been too long since our first date

And now I’m pretty sure that
I Can’t Feel the Love Tonight.
No,
I Can’t Feel the Love Tonight.
Oh,
(I Can’t Feel the Love Tonight.)
Oh,
(I try to feel your love tonight)

I remember before it all went wrong
There was a period of heavenly bliss.
Collecting tie-in memorabilia for you, yeah,
I was a junkie for your kiss.
I remember that when your eyes lit up
I was bathin' in that light
All we'd do all day is listenin' to songs
And savoring the strange feelings that we got
when we listened to Can You Feel the Love Tonight.

We listened to the songs that made it seem
That love is the only thing
That makes life worth living.
We sang the songs that made it seem
That it’s the only thing
That makes it not.
I wrote this song
In the hopes that you’d
Come back and turn my life around.
I wrote this song, ‘cause you were the
Only love I ever got.

And now I’m pretty sure that
I Can’t Feel the Love Tonight.
No,
I Can’t Feel the Love Tonight.
Oh,
(I Can’t Feel the Love Tonight.)
Oh,
(I try to feel your love tonight)

Oh, yeah!

An Ephiphany of Etymology

   Looking at the ideal of a pedal- something you press down on with your foot; basically, a foot handle. Makes sense with the word pedal- ped- al. A handle for you peds. Handle would then be hand- le, which I can tell just by looking is unrelated, but similar enough for that connection to make sense. I guess. Ped-al would be a handle for your foot, and hand-le would be a pedal for your hand. Though "hand" isn't Latin. There'd be a man-al, or perhaps there is the word manual, but that's not a hand-operated lever so much as the idea of any work for the hands. So, handle. Makes... sense.

    It sure makes me a whole lot less passive aggressive why they go out to get "hooficures" in Friendship is Magic rather than, say, "ungulacures."

A-Team Insanity

   I was going to say this earlier, like, post this earlier, until I realized I didn't have much to go off on at that time. I did mention in in passing in post: Which is It, Then? "That Murdoch guy, is he crazy or what?" But I've got that now. Stuff to go off of. It's not much, but, man...

   That Murdoch guy, is he crazy or what? In A-Team (I hope I didn't really need to clarify that.) The team are even seen to need to bust him out of an insane asylum in order to assemble. You know? Dude's just crazy. It's not Hollywood insanity, either (which just appears to be schizophrenia, if you analyse what Hollywood depicts when they depict "crazy.") Murdoch, though. He's like, he's actually crazy. Loose-wired. So here we go.

   Insanity is doing something the same over and over again but expecting a different result each time. Or whatever, right. Retardation. The inability to conceive of an alternative to the tack you're trying. But isn't there also a fine line between insanity and genius? Indubitably. So either way, the insane are in the top or bottom two or three percentiles, of retardation and genius.

   Is insanity worth it? I don't know, it's not like bipolarity where you swing between the two. You just continue down your path, independent of whether you're being smart or dumb at any given time.

Con Names: Special "Furries and Bronies" Edition

   Seeing as how furries apparently have sort of a natural predilection for punning, (not to mention pontification,) plus a lot of really bizarrely specific cons, (I did a post on that once, didn't I? I seem to remember...) That's right, I've giving the furry and brony conventions their own, special category of con name. There are imaginably a few really really good ones, as well as ones that are quite frankly just plain awful.

THE GOOD

1. BroNYCon: Because it's in NYC. That's just awesome.
2. Brony Fan Fair: oh... oh! I get it! Like fanfare and... clever, clever.
3. Fur-Eh!: It's Canadian! 
4. Furthest North: so is this one!
5. Everfree Northwest: The northwest version of Everfree gets bonus points for kind of sounding like "Everfree Forest."

THE BAD

1. Rain Furrest: I'm not even going to touch that one.
2. Furnal Equinox: Nor this one.
3. EquestriaCon: Uninspired. Really, ones like these stand out in the seas of puns that these can be.
4. Canterlot Gardens: Lovely, but this one is pretty boring, too. Hey, I'm just saying these are bad names for cons; these are nothing compared to:

THE UGLY

1. Galacon: another Brony thing. Named after the Grand Galloping Gala? Or apples? I might have checked this once, and I think both. At least the other ones make sense.
2. Furloween: I guess I can... kind of... see what you were trying to do?
3. Howloween: okay, that one makes more sense.
4. Fur the 'More: It's in Baltimore, hence, 'More, and its mascot is a raven, like the Poe kind, because Poe lived in Baltimore. The entire thing is so clever it's dumb.

   And I feel like I should give out some
SPECIAL MENTIONS
   where exactly how bizarre these can get gets lampshaded.

1. ConFuzzled
2. FURther CONfusion 
3. What the Fur 

   EDIT [11/23/14]: About the Baltimore thing, Fur the 'More. As you can see, I put that name in the, ugly, category- for what it's worth, there had been a lot of deliberation on that point, but, "ugly," there I stuck it and there it stayed (I think really it's because I needed a rounder number than the three I had already up there in that category.) Fur the 'More, anyway. I've been thinking about that a bit, um, more. And I came to the sobering conclusion that holy smokes, an entire article could be written on the layers of meaning in there. Maybe I'll do that, I don't know. Just thinking on it: it looks like the word "furthermore," and, yep, yep, I understood all that- it basically is the word "furthermore." Okay. So, you think, alright, that's a pretty cute name on its own, yep, "fur," I see what they did there. And that's when you realize all those things I pointed out in its name up there already, which I do not feel the need to rehash here, but then... Maybe it took me a tad longer than it should have, I don't know, I made the connection, Poe's Raven's catchphrase (iffen, erm, you can call it that) is nevermore... Well. I think that the "so clever it's dumb" thing I said, crosses over into being "so clever it's scary;" just, give it its own special mention apart from the regular special mention section. Which I just did, in a sense. So there we have it; sorry about that.

Con Names: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

   Just an onslaught of conventions. Names. Some really good, others not so much. These are the ones that stand out to me through the research I've done. The good, the bad, and the ugly con names.

THE GOOD

1. Comikaze- 'Nuff said.
2. DEFCON- like Defense Readiness Condition, but as the name of a convention. Glorious.
3. Convolution- if it weren't for Comikaze, I think this one would be the cleverest.

THE BAD

1. Fanime- I see what you did there. And it was awful.
2. ConFURence- AARGH what is that get it out my eyes! Thankfully I don't think this one is still around. Though furries could practically get their own category when it comes to con names. I guess brony cons count here, too. You know what, I think I'll do that.

THE UGLY

1. Otakon- otaku con. Clever, once it's been explained to you, but outside of that, not much. At least it's better than Fanime?
2. Conflation- an awesome name for a con, unfortunately already taken by some crappy local outfit. Not loonies, either. (Looners? What's the word for balloon fanaticists again? Looners, right?)
3. Gen Con- it's just... boring, is all.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, January 3, 2010

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TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: The creator? Of what? The strip? Alright, so, Eric Perazzo says your ancestor killed his and now wants to do you off at the start of the New Year.*
*(2010, to those in the future to whom the situation is much less dire.)
Marvin: You made that up.
Collin: Nope.
Marvin: !
Collin: But here's something I did make up:
[singing, 3/4] If wish-es were Cad-dies then beg-gars would ride!
(Hmm... Maybe he's going through denial, the first stage of the Kübler-Ross model of acceptence [sic].)
Collin: 's a good song.
(Or maybe he's just oblivious to the whole situation.)

Art, Um, Preservation

   Art preservation technique: When you drew something on a whiteboard but want to keep it, just lay down a bunch of tape over that sucker and lift it off the board!

   Yup.

Correspondence 1/2/10 17:52 - 18:30

   Continuing our new year's discussion, with the knowledge of how Cailin gets in the mood to do work, we discuss fridge magnet poetry of all things. It will make sense, in context.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:52 pm
so, now...

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:00 pm
Now...?

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 6:01 pm
Now can you do stuff?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:03 pm
Probably not?

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 6:06 pm
why not?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:07 pm
Not... inspired?

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 6:08 pm
oh, yeah. good reason. refrigerator magnets?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:11 pm
Magnets?

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 6:13 pm
those poem magnets that have words on 'em and you rearrange 'em to make poems.

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:16 pm
I've never really been that good with those, just used them to write out obscene things.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 6:22 pm
Man, I don't know what packs you've been buying...

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:22 pm
No four letter words mind you. It's subtle.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 6:27 pm
Alright. I suppose we have nothing to talk about, then.

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 6:30 pm
Seems that way.

Correspondence 1/2/10 14:27 - 17:39

   A new year. I had thought the water sprites to represent annoying riddle-bearing uncles, but now I think they may be entirely made up. An important fact on Cailin's work schedule is revealed.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 2:27 pm
Are you alive?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 4:08 pm
Oh, whoa, yes, sorry. Some things happened.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 4:26 pm
I will only excuse it if one of those things was Avatar.

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 4:29 pm
Man do I wish.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:03 pm
ok

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:06 pm
I was busy visiting the family shrine as is the new year custom, and I was held back by some troublesome water sprites who would not let me pass till I solved their riddles.
But anyway, hey.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:14 pm
yeah, hate that. what were the riddles?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:17 pm
What wipes its face with both hands, year in and year out?

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:18 pm
A kitten.

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:19 pm
A clock, apparently. They kept on giving me riddles based on Japanese puns too.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:22 pm
suuuuuccks.

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:27 pm
Yep.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:28 pm
SO have you made any progress at all ever?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:29 pm
As would be expected, no, not really.

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:35 pm
not even PoM?

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:36 pm
Yeah, not even PoM...
But, I've been consistently reliable for a while now, and the structured nature of school ought to straighten me back out?

Re: Song Work
From POMegranate to Persomem   Jan 2, 2010 5:38 pm
oh righty, that could be it..

Re: Song Work
From Persomem to POMegranate   Jan 2, 2010 5:39 pm
I've gotten kind of lazy with my daily cycle of sleeping all day and screwing around on the internet.