Adam's Play, Act I Scene I

WHAT IF?

a short play



by


Adam Perazzo



















Copyright © 2007 by Adam Perazzo
Churchill County High School
Thespian Troupe 3918
6262 Stillwater Rd.
Fallon, NV 89406
(775) 423-2284
CHARACTERS


PAMELA Kevin’s caring sister.  Alex’s girlfriend.  Julie’s roommate. 20.

JULIE Chemistry major.  Pamela’s long-time friend and college
roommate. 20.

ALEX Tall with blonde hair and grey eyes. Pamela’s boyfriend. 22.































SETTING

Pamela and Julie’s apartment on the University of Chicago campus.  The apartment has 3 doors. One leads to Pamela’s room and another to Julie’s room. These are located in the UC of the room. The last door leads to the outside and it is located DL. There is a sofa in the middle of the room with a coffee table in front of it. There is a small kitchen DR. There is a kitchen cabinet separating the kitchen from the living room. In the kitchen there is a sink, oven, and fridge. There is a phone on the kitchen cabinet. There is a table directly in between Pamela and Julie’s room. There is a bouquet of roses inside of a vase, on the table.





TIME

April 16 & 17, 2007





















SCENE 1

(Pamela and Julie’s apartment on the University of Chicago campus. The lights come up and we see Pamela in the kitchen, and Julie sitting on the Sofa.)

JULIE
(Julie has a Chemistry book in her lap)
How are the cookies coming Pam?



PAMELA
They are almost done. Hopefully they turn out all right with this new recipe I used. This is the first time trying this recipe. I hope you like Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies because that’s what they’re called.

JULIE
Sounds interesting, I’m sure they’re going to be fine.

PAMELA
I got the recipe from my mother and I decided to try it out.

JULIE
Can you help me with this Chemistry homework?

PAMELA
                          (She walks out of the kitchen and crosses to the sofa)
Sure, what do you need help on?

JULIE
(Picking up one of the pencils on the coffee table)
I don’t understand how to find the formula weight of a compound using the atomic mass found on the Periodic Table of Elements.

PAMELA
Huh? English please. You want to repeat that please using words that the average person can understand?


JULIE
Never mind, you won’t know. You’re majoring in Alex, I love you career. What does he do for a living anyways?


PAMELA
He’s a dentist and he does some ventriloquism on the side. Also we’ve only been dating for a year

JULIE
Only! That’s a long time when you think about it. I bet you when he finally does propose he will have his puppet by his side doing the speaking.

PAMELA
Ha, ha, ha, very funny. He’s a very nice guy and just because your relationships never last doesn’t mean you have to make fun of our relationship.

JULIE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just --

(She is Interrupted by Alex barging through the
door without knocking.)

ALEX
(In a panicking, scared voice)
Did you guys hear about the shooting?

PAMELA
What shooting? Where?

ALEX
There was as shooting at Virginia Tech.

PAMELA
(Worried)
Oh no.
What about Kevin?


ALEX
I’m sure that Kevin is all right.

PAMELA
(Still worried)
Kevin is my brother. I need to know if he’s safe or not. I’m going to call him right now.

(Pamela rushes to the phone on the kitchen cabinet)

JULIE
(To Alex)
When did this happen?

ALEX
About 40 minutes ago. I came here as fast as I could but I got stuck in traffic. I heard the news on the radio and I was going to call but I forgot my cell phone in my apartment.

PAMELA
Pick up! Pick up please! Kevin answer the stupid phone! He’s not answering his phone. That means he could be. . .
(Choking back tears)
DEAD!

JULIE
No that doesn’t mean he’s dead. Don’t even think that. He’s probably with his friends.

ALEX
Try your parents, maybe they know something.

PAMELA
(Tears streaming down her face)
They’re not home. They went on vacation for two weeks and they don’t get back till tomorrow.

ALEX
(Getting nervous)
Well there has to be at least someone you could call.

(The alarm for the cookies go off)

JULIE
(Trying to lighten the mood)
The cookies are done. Let’s all relax and have some milk and cookies.

PAMELA
(Exasperated)
How can I relax when my brother could be dead because some lunatic shot him?

ALEX
There has to be someone you can call. How about your Grandparents?
(Pamela shakes her head no)
No, ok how about an Aunt or uncle.
(Again Pamela shakes her head no)
There has to be someone.

PAMELA
(Yelling)
Don’t you get it. There is no one to call. My parents are the only people I know that live in Virginia except Kevin and they aren’t even there. They’re probably on their way back from Disney World. They would be the only ones to know if Kevin is safe but they’re gone and I can’t get a hold of them until tomorrow.

JULIE
Maybe you should try Kevin one more time.

(She goes and gets the cookies and milk. The milk is located
 in the fridge. She brings them back and sets them on the
 coffee table)

PAMELA
He’s not there. He’s dead.

ALEX
Knock it off.

PAMELA
He’s dead.

ALEX
Don’t say that.

PAMELA
He’s dead!

ALEX
You don’t know that.

PAMELA
He’s dead!! He’s dead!! He’s dead!!

ALEX
Just shut up! Your going to sit down here and not think about it. We are going to wait and call your parents tomorrow. I’m sure Kevin is fine. Like Julie said, he’s probably with his friends and there is nothing to worry about. So just sit down and eat some cookies and wait till tomorrow. There’s nothing that you can do but pray. So for now you are going to put this out of your mind and relax. I don’t want to hear another word about it do you hear me. We will figure out what to do tomorrow. So until then there’s not going to be another sound about Kevin.

(Pamela, Alex and Julie sit on the sofa and they start
eating cookies and milk.)

JULIE
These are good cookies you need to give me the recipe.

PAMELA
Thanks, there not that hard to make, you just need chocolate chips, peanut butter, oatmeal, sugar, oil, and a couple other ingredients.

JULIE
Well what ever you did they’re good.

ALEX
I better be going. I will come back tomorrow. I have some homework that I need to get done. Now don’t worry I’m sure that Kevin is fine and there is nothing to worry about.

PAMELA
Well be safe dear. I love you and have a good night. See you in the morning.

(Pamela and Alex kiss. Blackout.)

WHAT IF?

   The next couple of days I am doing some very special posts. Adam wanted to be a lawyer, but he was also an amateur poet and, as a Thespian, something of a playwright. He wrote this one act play  about the effects of the Virginia Tech massacre, and I have decided to publish it here, for the first time, on the anniversaries of the dates the play takes place.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 11, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
SFX: *pshhhhhh*
*tease tease*
*tease*
Marvin: *glargle glargle glargle*
*ptyoo!*
SFX: *shkshkshk*
Marvin: ...
*sigh*

Mein Fridge

   Compare, prose to poetry. Poetry is about the look and shape and feel and meaning of the words, the words achieving their highest potential through every aspect of them being used. The way this is achieved, the difference between poetry and prose? Metrical structure. Basically, poetry comes in lines and prose doesn't. And that's it. That is the only difference. I'm using this to illustrate, which I wrote in High School for no real reason. As I could find no other use for it, I feel it could at least be useful here.

   It is boxy, made out of plastic on the outside and a metal frame interior of the walls. It is about 5 1/2'' tall, I'd say 3'' wide. There is a freezer on top of it attached. Inside there is food, tortillas and leftover stuff and bologna. There is milk.

   Compare to:

It is boxy,
made out of plastic on the outside
and a metal frame interior of the walls.

It is about 5 1/2'' tall, I'd say
3'' wide.
There is a freezer on top of it attached.

Inside there is food, tortillas
and leftover stuff
and bologna.

There is milk.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 4, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: ZZZZ
ZZZZ
um...
Marivn: ZZZ
Rise and Shine!
Marvin: ZZZ
Good Morning, Sleeping Beauty!
Marvin: ZZZ
WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY!!!
...
Marvin: What!?
You look like an Animé...
Marvin: I get bedhead, alright?

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 28, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Fit the third about your petition.
A petition to a guy means nothing if it's only signed by fictional characters of his own creation!
Whaddaya think about that!? 
Marvin: Zzzz
Aww, Epic Fail!
Marvin: *
Snork?
Sorry about that... I'm just so tired is all.
Oh... Sorry. You know, I could leave you alone, if you want.
Marvin: Thanksss...zzz.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 21, 2010

Click to embiggen.

Transcript:
Fit the second about your little "Unkill Collin" petition.
A guy can't just go around unkilling people, no matter how fictional they are!
It completely breaks cred, if I break the already carefully-defined rules of my own universe.
Any reader would be perfectly justified in carefully avoiding anything I write in the future.
It's just not right!
Marvin: Even if you break the fourth wall like that?
Kind of admits that it is fiction, throwing all normal rules out the window!
...Not really.
Marvin: Why not?
Because I say so.
Marvin: Drat. 

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 14, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
PETITION
Dear Eric,
Please bring Collin back.
Signed,
Marvin Thumper
D.P. Goblin PhD flower
Bambi ☥
faline
(the editor) Doug
Oh look Marvin how cute!
It's a petition to unkill Collin.
Well, I'm your puppetmaster, and I say nix on that.
You see, when you're a creator, you can do anything you want to your fictional dudes. This entire petition thing you're putting together was my idea! You have no free will.
My idea! Mine! (Weell, actually my subconciousness's [sic] idea, because it came to me in a dream, but... 
Marvin: hmm...
Also, Marvin, you can stop that "hmm"ing thing
I know you're planning to overthrow me.
Marvin: Drat.

Ur-Characters

   So how are crossovers possible when sometimes the rules of one television show's universe completely contradict the rules of another? I think it's the way that real-life people can show up in fictional universes, such as with presidents.

   Presidents do fictional things all the time, and I'm not talking politics. I mean, President Bush can meet George Lopez when clearly he's done no such thing in real life in the way it was depicted. There must be some kind of class of ur-character, or, uber-character, that by himself in real in his own universe but also has fictional versions. Tommy Westphall could be dreaming about someone who already exists, for example. Probably the easiest explanation, and the one that makes the most sense. I think that was a point brought up in the thing I showed you.

   For those unsatisfied with the way the Mission: Impossible film treated Jim Phelps, think of it as: the events of the show were canonical to the film, but the events of the film were not necessarily canonical to the show (where does the 1988 Mission come into all of this? It's kind of a remake, and kind of a sequel- I guess this attitude serves to make that much less confusing as well.)

Discrepancies

   How to explain away the discrepancies between connected television? It is a conundrum. I've got a few ideas:

1.    The presence of Morley brand cigarettes doesn't automatically imply that the show takes place in the X-Files universe. It just means both shows used the same prop company. Alright?
2. Alternate explanation: a lot of people on television are confused on what is or isn't real life. Which makes sense, because they're on television. If I were fictional, I'd be confused on what is or isn't fictional too. 
3. Barring that, they're just confused because they're figments of Tommy Westphall's imagination.
4. No, wait.
5. Oh, never mind.
6. Oh oh oh! I think I've got something.

Awesome Crossovers: Still Awesome After All These Years

   Crossovers happen alls the times, which has the side effect of maybe creating the existentially confusing Tommy Westphall universe, but has the upside of being awesome. Some of my all-time favorite crossovers:

1. T-Bag from Prison Break showing up in Breakout Kings. Unannounced, unexpected. Awesome.
2. The Millennium finale took place in X-Files. (When they did do the same thing for the finale for the Lone Gunmen it's not the same thing, as the Lone Gunmen was itself a spinoff from the X-Files.)
3. Speaking of X Files, that (non-canon) time they crossed over into the Simpsons.
4. You know who else crossed over into the Simpsons? Jack Bauer.
5. Cinnamon Carter from Mission: Impossible showing up in Diagnosis: Murder (makes sense, considering the similar titles), which is itself a spinoff of Jake and the Fatman and from here it gets into all kinds of nasty Tommy stuff so this is why I'm only selecting my favorite crossovers. 
6. There was one other one, but I forget. Oh, yeah: the Hawaii 5-0 remake apparently takes place in the same universe as JAG, due to the NCIS: LA crossover event. I think this makes both Hawaii 5-0s exist in the same universe, because maybe I'm just making this up but wasn't there like a Hawaii 5-0 / Dragnet thing?

   And this is why we don't play with matches.

Spiders

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 7, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
You have no power over me.
On the contrary, I, as your creator, have power over you.
I can control you, make you do anything at my slightest whim!
I have the power to make you laugh, cry, hurt, fall in love...
...or die.
Offstage Voice: I might resent that!
Yes, you might, Bambi...
Ah, Bambi! I remember that strip. November 8th, 2009. I remember it well.
A twist ending that completely threw the reader off-guard.
I am so brilliant.
I mean it. I don't even know how I come up with this stuff sometimes.
Marvin: hmm... 

NOTES:
   Man that's creepy. I am a creepy creepy dude. I'm Ooky Spooky. But, heh, a random offstage voice shouting "I might resent that!" out of nowhere: comedy gold.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, February 28, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
You have no way of knowing when I strike, Collin.
In your sleep, maybe.
Don't try to deny it. You will die. Maybe in two months...
...or two seconds.
Gotcha!
MARVIN: I'll get you for this.
Go ahead and try.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, February 21, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Collin: ...
Well?
I said I'm ready.
What?
Oh, sorry about that. Last week and all. I was too busy watching the epicly epic Avatar.
In 3-D!
So, uh... Nothing personal. Just, uh, got a bit of, uh, writer's block for that day. But I'll get you!
Oh, yesss... I'll get you. You know, eventually. Just not today, 'cos, well... Okay, bye.
Marvin: Hmm...

Two Years Ago Today

   It's the two-year-stravaganza! In memory of that, let's check it out, the eighth track from Comrade Helicopter's third album, Birds Cracking Foxy. Two Years Ago Today:

Two years ago today
She pulled me aside, she told me to love you
Three years ago today
I knew you back then, but what could I do?
Four years ago today
It’s been going on so long, I can’t believe I haven’t been caught.
One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long, and

In my dreams I have to run away from here
But my limousine's too long to turn around, I fear.
No, no, no, no
You know
I’d never really ever even run away
’Cause that limo’s getting longer by the mile.
(LOLZ, JK.)
But every time I see that girl I smile.
In fact, it was
Two years ago today.

Two years ago today
She pulled me aside, she told me to love you
Three years ago today
I knew you back then, but what could I do?
Four years ago today
It’s been going on so long, I can’t believe I haven’t been caught.
One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long, and

Last night I dreamt that you loved me
You snuck up behind me to hug me
I turned around and we began to kiss so tenderly.
You just had to turn away
Said you were tired of me
Wiping my hands on your shirt.

Two years ago today
She pulled me aside, she told me to love you
Three years ago today
I knew you back then, but what could I do?
Four years ago today
It’s been going on so long, I can’t believe I haven’t been caught.
One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long, and

Two years ago today
We weren’t sure we could have platonic love.

Three years ago today
I was even more lonely then than I am now.

Four years ago today
Man, I can’t believe what happened in your pool.

One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long to
Rock on.

Two Year Stravaganza

   It's our (annual? well, by definition...) annual blog post year-stravaganza tomorrow, so once again vote now for the best-of worst-of. Go ahead, do it. You can if you want. I'm not stopping you. Just, uh, write it down in the comments section of today's post with maybe a link to that post or at least a specific enough description, or, to make it easier, in the respective comments sections themselves, of whatever posts you think you like the best. I'll be sure to ignore your opinions to the best of my abilities, of course, but please, I'd like your opinions... on my opinions. And we can all cry together.

   (Opinions sounds like onions. That's the joke.) Let that sink in. It gets really funny after about five seconds.

BEYOND THE EVENING STAR

I’m blue

By the light of the moon

By the light of the setting sun

I’m a sailor

Who’s sailed so far from home

But where do I belong?

I’m a sailor

Sailing on a sea of stars

Sailed beyond all the stars

I’ve ever known.

I’m a sailor

Sailing on a sea of stars

But where do I belong?

Where do I belong, where do I belong?

Where do any of us belong?

We

All belong here

Planet Earth, the Earth.
We

All belong here

Planet Earth, the Earth.

And the sky used to be above me

But now it’s below me, around me, the sky surrounds me

Planet Earth, the Earth

What Time is It?

   No, not Adventure Time. It's Valentimes! Not to say it can't be both.

   <3. Mathematical!

 

Pretension (is a good (?) thing!)

   Dear imaginary people in my head who say I'm just writing this stuff down in order to impress the heck out of other people:

   Of course. If you had something to say that would make yourself look worse than those around you, you wouldn't say it. Societal interactions are built almost entirely on one-up-man-ship, and it would be foolish of me to-- man, this is making me sound like a jerk, or worse.

   I'm here to share. Otherwise I would have written these only to myself. Or not written them at all. But writing something down gets it out of your head and clears up space for more stuff. It's one of those, we are all cyborgs, things. I am outsourcing my meat brain and using this writing as brain so I don't have to remember it. Cognitively, that's how that works. Cyborg.

   You have to stand by your work, though paradoxically part of that is owning up to your mistakes. No, not paradoxically. It makes the things you are proud of doing actually mean something.