Film Review: Cars 2

   Cars 2 brings to head a paradox that, while entirely possible to be ignored in the first film, is addressed explicitly in the sequel: Vehicles run on fossil fuels. Fossil fuels are made from dead plant and animal matter. In the Cars universe, all the plants and animals are vehicles. Do you see where I'm going with this?

   Eating is tantamount to cannibalism. Not only that, but what did those ancient animals run on? More fossil fuels? Where did those come from? Also, if all cars eat and drink is petroleum, then what's the point of all the agriculture seen in Cars 1?

   It's weird. Like, how in shows or movies with animal people, it isn't really brought up exactly whether they're actually animals... or people. I guess that's why they are what they are, but, eh, I guess you'd expect that'd interact in more complex ways. In this franchise, they're... cars, right? There's the scene, for instance, where the spy cars are able to identify a car in a crowd by zooming in the security footage on the vehicle's "VIN number." (That'd be the equivalent of, what, getting somebody's fingerprints off blurry grainy CCTV of that person? Only they actually control the cameras and can zoom in.) My point is, though, you wouldn't be able to do that with something without a VIN.

   it's not all bad. The racing scenes are... racy? You can clearly see the techniques and technologies pioneered by the Wachowskis for "Speed Racer." But, uh, the racing raises its own questions. If everyone's a car in this universe, then what kind of jobs to they have other than racing? In the first film we saw gas station attendants and tire shop owners, a Sergeant in the military (hmm.. car wars) but, other than that...

   So, only the fastest cars race, right? Are you born into your make and model? That's like some kind of institutionalized racism, isn't it? It seems implied, if not explicitly stated, by the presence of the lemons. If those cars are so unpopular, that means that they're a minority.

   I don't know. I just don't know. Let's just say they're all robots in a post-singularity world. Except the landmarks themselves are shaped like cars...

   I still just don't know.

The Zucchini Story (Final Entry)

   3/29/2014

   The zucchini takes up valuable freezer space, sometimes.

   Hoo boy. These couple of beauts are a batch made out of my one zucchini bread recipe, mixed together with the two banana bread recipes from home. The bananas were also taking up freezer space. That opened up a lot.

   And just, one by one, or two by two, batch by batch (this particular batch of three recipes blended required two casserole dishes of course- a one-quart one and a two-quart one. Which we can no longer seem to find after this batch...)

   And... Well, that's it, actually. Last week I brought in the final zucchini bread, Data Quality zone's annual "Green Food Day" to Celebrate Saint Patrick. What better thing to bring in than green jello, a green box of Girl Scout cookies, and the bread on which I spent the last of the frozen zucchini?

   This Tuesday, the last of if finally got all eaten up. Phew. Proof, here's the quart casserole dish, soaking.

   Delectable.

   I had one last zucchini, on top of the final three frozen bags (each baggie equaled about a cup of shredded zucchini- three baggies = three cups = the amount of zuke called for in a single recipe.) Brought it from apartment to apartment to apartment, however long I had it. Finally peeled it, once I used up the final baggies, but a bit too soon of course- the casserole dish I could use, the one we could find, was being used by the other zucchini bread! So the peeled zucchini, not ready to be shredded, sitting out in open air a couple of days...

   Yep.

   Though it wasn't that bad, just, unusable. Which is just as well, since I used up all the last of the flour (and the eggs, and the oil I think) on the other zucchini bread. So I was swamped anyway, that-wise. The flour, woo... I'd bought a 25 pound bag of flour; you can see how monstrous that thing was in the background of one or two of the previous entries' photos when we're attacking the first zukes. And now, finally used up.

   More proof. The sheer magnitude of the feat is boggling, using up that much flour, and still having needed to have more if all the horsey zucchinis hadn't gone bad. (horsey zucchini, hmm...)

   Sorry about that. But it really has been quite a, um, ride.

The Zucchini Story (Part IV)

   3/22/2014

   So, as I cliffhanger'd last time, we thought that we had enough zuke shreds to make plenties of breads. But that turned out not to be the case.

   It wasn't that it turned out that we didn't have a big bowl entirely full of shreds, that it wasn't all the way full somehow. Oh no it was not that at all. Neither was it that the recipe called for more zucchini than we'd initially thought, that packing the zuke down made what seemed like three cups at first a lot less than that. Nor was it some third thing that it wasn't. We definitely did have enough zucchini to make a boatload of batches. Did have...

   See, I'd completely forgotten the one thing that everyone knows about storing zucchini shreds, the thing that newborn infants know about it. Put the zucchini into tiny little baggies and freeze that stuff, right? 

   Nope, though, I just let that stuff sit there, on the top of the fridge, at room temp, for several days. And then, it was the night before a Data Quality snack day. So, deciding to make zucchini bread for that, having all the other ingredients mixed and everything, I went to to add the zuke. 

   And it was dry on top, soggy underneath, and moldy everywhere.

   No, I'm not getting you a photo of that. Have a horsey in a hat, instead:

   Isn't that a more pleasant image?

   I debated (for hopefully less than 5 milliseconds) whether to just add the less moldy smelly stuff in the middle (where it was neither dry nor soggy) to the recipe, but, nope, instead I had to make an emergency move for the huge zucchini, with an hour and a half to get the whole thing shredded by myself with no help from the blender or anything. 

   I made it, barely, but had to wake up early the next morning to bake the thing.

   So from then on I learned my lesson:

 

   Freeze the zuke.

   Next (and final) entry: getting rid of the remainder.

The Zucchini Story (Part III)

   2/22/2014

   There was the fresh young zuke and the big old zukes. This is a bowl of the shreds. Guess which half came from which zucchini.

   At first we just grated the zucchini in a cheese grater, and although that was effective it wasn't the quickest and well I've still got battle scars on my fingers.

   Luckily that morning I'd also bought that blender, to make pizza for dinner that night (yes (...long story)), knowing it would also possibly be useful for shredding zucchini. So bright and shiny when we started off.

   It, uh, it wasn't as effective as we could have hoped. That blender's dead now. For the record, though, this morning I dismantled it to see if I could try fixing it. Uhh... No luck so far.

   But

it worked fine enough once you learned how to do it right. 

   And after that, we had a big bowl of zucchini shreds!

   This big red bowl on the left, filled up to the brim. Sweet! And that's even without cutting much into the huge one. 

   So, now we had enough zucchini shreds to make like 10 batches of zucchini bread.

   Or so we thought....

The Zucchini Story (Part II)

   9/7/2013

   The Zucchini wasn't the only zucchini I brought home. I also brought a normal-size one and a puny one. The "puny one" was actually an average-sized zuke, and the "normal one" was pretty large but hardly legendary. With this much zucchini, I was going to have to get some major software.

   But first, a recipe for zucchini bread. Elder Snell had one on the computer, zapped it over to a printer. The next day, I went on a hundred-dollar shopping spree, splurged on enough ingrediants to make a sexagintible batch. Plus, a blender and a grater, for cutting the bits down to size.

   But how am I going to goshdarn peel that goshdarn zucchini?

   With a goshdarn peeler, goshdarn it!

   That poor peeler got abused. Have a couple pics of it in action:

   See how I tried to start peeling on the largest one first but had to give up? That thing had thick skin.

   And then, once that had been accomplished, grating the zuke. Which maybe I'll talk about next time.

The Zucchini Story (part I (a serial!))

  8/17/2013

   First of all, I'm going to have to talk about the Zucchini itself. (Yes. The Zucchini. With a capital Z and everything.) 

   Brad, the guy I work under (you know Brad,) Brad's got this garden, apparently. Up in Data Quality we've got this thing called the Snack Alley, where I used to work before they moved me to Main Street. You know Snack Alley. Brad, see, his cubicle is right next to Snack Alley. He can peek over the cubicle wall down to the Snack Table, to see if there's any of what he calls "temptation food." And occasionally, apparently, he offers his own contribution to the table.

   It could have been any amount of time ago; I think I remember it being a month or so from when I write this. It's in my journal, but I don't have that on me. He's got a garden, apparently, and this year's crop of zucchini had been particularly profitable. By the time he got to the center of the patch this year, his zucchini had had so much time to grow, that after all this time, when he finally got into the center, there it sat.

   The Zucchini.

   Actual estimates to its size and weight vary, and have grown to legendary proportions over time. No accurate measurements were ever made. To my knowledge. Maybe Brad himself knows; I don't know. What is generally agreed upon is that it weighed at the minimum 15-20 pounds. I'm not sure what the average weight for a zucchini is supposed to be, or if that's particularly heavy for a zucchini, but I'm trying to stick to the facts here. 

   I think maybe that's why big fish stories were invented. Everything's so much more extreme up close, sometimes you paradoxically need to exaggerate the facts in order to be true to life. More is more. In this instance, though, less is more, so I'm sticking with that estimate. 15-20 pounds.

   And it was fun to heft, too. My companion and I got more total exercise in those couple of weeks that we had that thing, than in the entirety of the our missions up to that point.

   All photographs of me actually hefting the Zucchini itself make me look really ugly, so I'm not going to show those here. Maybe it'd be anticlimactic of me to publish a picture of the Zucchini at all, after all that buildup. But maybe it won't be. (I'm not sure; a zucchini of that size is no longer outside the realms of my experience, so I've got nothing to compare it to.) I'm going to do it; if anyone out there can say "I've seen bigger," well... nnnng. Remember, though, the ideal zucchini is more or less indistinguishable from a cucumber from the outside.

   (That thing was hard to cut.) And on the inside, with another, average zucchini on the side for comparison of size (and to prove that it was in fact a zucchini and not some other squash variety.)

   Yep, that's clearly the same species, alright.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 25, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: Here we go again.
Shoot, um...
 ...
Hey, umm...
Collin!
 ...
Wanna know what's cool?
(imitating Collin) Why, I certainly do!
Affadavits! Them things is radcore!
...
One of these days I'm gonna kill that boy.
Whew!

Sketchings: Oh, Man, I Misspelled Yogurt

   I was talking to... this kid. A student. He saw I was making sketches, yeah? He asked me if I had any dog drawings, and I showed him the dog on this page. There was the head right in the middle there; I had been rather proud of it when I drew it as I was experimenting with a new style. He noticed it and agreed, but said it was too "stretched," whatever he meant by that. Like, the top of the head.

    I suppose I can see it.

Heads (Drawings of Them)

   What does the 

way I draw

heads say about

me?

Other than that

I've got no idea how

hairlines work,

And that I like heads

at a slight angle?

   Actually, those last few weren't bad. I think that last one might be Colt Carmen.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 18, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: Hey, umm...
Collin!
...
Wanna know what's cool?
(imitating Collin) Why, I certainly do!
Hey wait a second.
Marvin: What?
This is just like the comic on 11/15/09!
Marvin: Yeah, well
since Collin's gone, and it's time to get back to business as usual,
I figured that this was the only sketch I could do by myself. So, anyway, proceeding.
Affadavits! [sic] Them things is radcore!
...
One of these days I'm gonna ki-...!
*sigh.*

Adam's Play, Act I Scene 2

SCENE 2

(This scene takes place the very next day.
Pamela, Alex and Julie are sitting on the sofa
reading a newspaper)

PAMELA
(Mad)
33 people died and 15 other people were injured. Why don’t they give the victims names.  I need to know if Kevin is all right or not.

ALEX
Just calm down.

JULIE
You left a message on your parents phone right?

PAMELA
Of course I did. They should have called by now.

ALEX
I’m sure they have a reason. They might not be home yet, you never know. There could be weather problems holding them up or something.

PAMELA
This is sickening. I need answers. Why haven’t my parents called? Is my brother safe, and who would kill 32 people and himself?

ALEX
We don’t know, just sit down and we’ll figure out what to do.

(Just then the phone rings. Pamela rushes to the phone and she picks it up)
PAMELA
Hello. . . Mom, dad, oh thank heavens you’re all right. I was worried. . . Yes I heard about it. Is Kevin all right. . . What news? Tell me. . . I can’t calm down. I’ve been worried about Kevin since yesterday. I hardly slept last night thinking of what could have happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about him . . . What, he
got shot? How is he? . . .
(Losing her mind)
Why didn’t you call me earlier? You have known about this for hours and you finally decide to call your daughter! I have been worried to death about my brother for so long. How thoughtful of you guys! . . .
(Controlling herself)
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things but I was scared. I’ve been worried for a while . . . So how long has he been in the hospital? . . . Ok, I’m going to leave today. . . I don’t care if I miss school. My brother’s life is more important than college. . . I’m leaving as soon as I can get my things together . . . Thanks for calling. I’m sorry for my reaction over the phone about you guys not calling earlier . . . I love you and I will see you when I get there. . . Ok, goodbye.

(She hangs up. During this monologue Julie and Alex will
react to everything she says.)

ALEX
So when are you leaving?

PAMELA
I’m leaving as soon as I get my stuff together.

JULIE
It’s about a 12 hour drive from here to Virginia, do you want one of us to come along?

PAMELA
No, this is very personal to me. Kevin is my brother and I need to face this by myself.

ALEX
I am not letting you travel by yourself. I am coming along and there is no way you can stop me.


PAMELA
All right, you can come with me. Julie you stay here and make sure nothing happens.

JULIE
I’m coming with you guys and I don’t care what you say. I have been your best friend since kindergarten. I can’t leave you in a time like this. I’ve known Kevin almost all my life and I’m going to be there with you in this time of crisis.

PAMELA
Please Julie. You don’t have to do this we will be fine.

JULIE
I’m coming Julie I really need to be their for you and Kevin.

PAMELA
All right, you can come also.

(Pamela opens up her room door and walks into her room. We can see a dresser and a side of a bed. Pamela opens the dresser drawers and she puts clothes into a bag.)

JULIE
Thank you Pamela. You don’t realize how important this is to me to be with you.
                               (Julie walks into her room and starts packing also, from
       her room)
So how is Kevin?

PAMELA
(From her room)
He’s ok. He got shot and he’s been in the hospital. The doctors said he’ll be all right. He’s probably going to have to be in the hospital for a couple of weeks but he will be fine. That’s all my parents told me.
(Pamela zips up the bag and leaves her room. She closes her
door. Julie walks out of her room and closes the door)

ALEX
I need to stop at my place so I can grab my clothes and other things we might need. Can you guys pick me up there.
PAMELA
Certainly just hurry, we need to leave as soon as possible. Make sure you drive safely darling. I can’t have two men in my life in the hospital.

ALEX
I will darling. Make sure you two drive safely also. I wouldn’t know what I would do without you. Well I better hurry. I will see you two in a couple of minutes. I love you Pamela.
(Alex and Pamela kiss.)
Goodbye.

(Alex exits the room through the DL door. Blackout.)

Adam's Play, Act I Scene I

WHAT IF?

a short play



by


Adam Perazzo



















Copyright © 2007 by Adam Perazzo
Churchill County High School
Thespian Troupe 3918
6262 Stillwater Rd.
Fallon, NV 89406
(775) 423-2284
CHARACTERS


PAMELA Kevin’s caring sister.  Alex’s girlfriend.  Julie’s roommate. 20.

JULIE Chemistry major.  Pamela’s long-time friend and college
roommate. 20.

ALEX Tall with blonde hair and grey eyes. Pamela’s boyfriend. 22.































SETTING

Pamela and Julie’s apartment on the University of Chicago campus.  The apartment has 3 doors. One leads to Pamela’s room and another to Julie’s room. These are located in the UC of the room. The last door leads to the outside and it is located DL. There is a sofa in the middle of the room with a coffee table in front of it. There is a small kitchen DR. There is a kitchen cabinet separating the kitchen from the living room. In the kitchen there is a sink, oven, and fridge. There is a phone on the kitchen cabinet. There is a table directly in between Pamela and Julie’s room. There is a bouquet of roses inside of a vase, on the table.





TIME

April 16 & 17, 2007





















SCENE 1

(Pamela and Julie’s apartment on the University of Chicago campus. The lights come up and we see Pamela in the kitchen, and Julie sitting on the Sofa.)

JULIE
(Julie has a Chemistry book in her lap)
How are the cookies coming Pam?



PAMELA
They are almost done. Hopefully they turn out all right with this new recipe I used. This is the first time trying this recipe. I hope you like Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies because that’s what they’re called.

JULIE
Sounds interesting, I’m sure they’re going to be fine.

PAMELA
I got the recipe from my mother and I decided to try it out.

JULIE
Can you help me with this Chemistry homework?

PAMELA
                          (She walks out of the kitchen and crosses to the sofa)
Sure, what do you need help on?

JULIE
(Picking up one of the pencils on the coffee table)
I don’t understand how to find the formula weight of a compound using the atomic mass found on the Periodic Table of Elements.

PAMELA
Huh? English please. You want to repeat that please using words that the average person can understand?


JULIE
Never mind, you won’t know. You’re majoring in Alex, I love you career. What does he do for a living anyways?


PAMELA
He’s a dentist and he does some ventriloquism on the side. Also we’ve only been dating for a year

JULIE
Only! That’s a long time when you think about it. I bet you when he finally does propose he will have his puppet by his side doing the speaking.

PAMELA
Ha, ha, ha, very funny. He’s a very nice guy and just because your relationships never last doesn’t mean you have to make fun of our relationship.

JULIE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just --

(She is Interrupted by Alex barging through the
door without knocking.)

ALEX
(In a panicking, scared voice)
Did you guys hear about the shooting?

PAMELA
What shooting? Where?

ALEX
There was as shooting at Virginia Tech.

PAMELA
(Worried)
Oh no.
What about Kevin?


ALEX
I’m sure that Kevin is all right.

PAMELA
(Still worried)
Kevin is my brother. I need to know if he’s safe or not. I’m going to call him right now.

(Pamela rushes to the phone on the kitchen cabinet)

JULIE
(To Alex)
When did this happen?

ALEX
About 40 minutes ago. I came here as fast as I could but I got stuck in traffic. I heard the news on the radio and I was going to call but I forgot my cell phone in my apartment.

PAMELA
Pick up! Pick up please! Kevin answer the stupid phone! He’s not answering his phone. That means he could be. . .
(Choking back tears)
DEAD!

JULIE
No that doesn’t mean he’s dead. Don’t even think that. He’s probably with his friends.

ALEX
Try your parents, maybe they know something.

PAMELA
(Tears streaming down her face)
They’re not home. They went on vacation for two weeks and they don’t get back till tomorrow.

ALEX
(Getting nervous)
Well there has to be at least someone you could call.

(The alarm for the cookies go off)

JULIE
(Trying to lighten the mood)
The cookies are done. Let’s all relax and have some milk and cookies.

PAMELA
(Exasperated)
How can I relax when my brother could be dead because some lunatic shot him?

ALEX
There has to be someone you can call. How about your Grandparents?
(Pamela shakes her head no)
No, ok how about an Aunt or uncle.
(Again Pamela shakes her head no)
There has to be someone.

PAMELA
(Yelling)
Don’t you get it. There is no one to call. My parents are the only people I know that live in Virginia except Kevin and they aren’t even there. They’re probably on their way back from Disney World. They would be the only ones to know if Kevin is safe but they’re gone and I can’t get a hold of them until tomorrow.

JULIE
Maybe you should try Kevin one more time.

(She goes and gets the cookies and milk. The milk is located
 in the fridge. She brings them back and sets them on the
 coffee table)

PAMELA
He’s not there. He’s dead.

ALEX
Knock it off.

PAMELA
He’s dead.

ALEX
Don’t say that.

PAMELA
He’s dead!

ALEX
You don’t know that.

PAMELA
He’s dead!! He’s dead!! He’s dead!!

ALEX
Just shut up! Your going to sit down here and not think about it. We are going to wait and call your parents tomorrow. I’m sure Kevin is fine. Like Julie said, he’s probably with his friends and there is nothing to worry about. So just sit down and eat some cookies and wait till tomorrow. There’s nothing that you can do but pray. So for now you are going to put this out of your mind and relax. I don’t want to hear another word about it do you hear me. We will figure out what to do tomorrow. So until then there’s not going to be another sound about Kevin.

(Pamela, Alex and Julie sit on the sofa and they start
eating cookies and milk.)

JULIE
These are good cookies you need to give me the recipe.

PAMELA
Thanks, there not that hard to make, you just need chocolate chips, peanut butter, oatmeal, sugar, oil, and a couple other ingredients.

JULIE
Well what ever you did they’re good.

ALEX
I better be going. I will come back tomorrow. I have some homework that I need to get done. Now don’t worry I’m sure that Kevin is fine and there is nothing to worry about.

PAMELA
Well be safe dear. I love you and have a good night. See you in the morning.

(Pamela and Alex kiss. Blackout.)

WHAT IF?

   The next couple of days I am doing some very special posts. Adam wanted to be a lawyer, but he was also an amateur poet and, as a Thespian, something of a playwright. He wrote this one act play  about the effects of the Virginia Tech massacre, and I have decided to publish it here, for the first time, on the anniversaries of the dates the play takes place.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 11, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
SFX: *pshhhhhh*
*tease tease*
*tease*
Marvin: *glargle glargle glargle*
*ptyoo!*
SFX: *shkshkshk*
Marvin: ...
*sigh*

Mein Fridge

   Compare, prose to poetry. Poetry is about the look and shape and feel and meaning of the words, the words achieving their highest potential through every aspect of them being used. The way this is achieved, the difference between poetry and prose? Metrical structure. Basically, poetry comes in lines and prose doesn't. And that's it. That is the only difference. I'm using this to illustrate, which I wrote in High School for no real reason. As I could find no other use for it, I feel it could at least be useful here.

   It is boxy, made out of plastic on the outside and a metal frame interior of the walls. It is about 5 1/2'' tall, I'd say 3'' wide. There is a freezer on top of it attached. Inside there is food, tortillas and leftover stuff and bologna. There is milk.

   Compare to:

It is boxy,
made out of plastic on the outside
and a metal frame interior of the walls.

It is about 5 1/2'' tall, I'd say
3'' wide.
There is a freezer on top of it attached.

Inside there is food, tortillas
and leftover stuff
and bologna.

There is milk.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 4, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: ZZZZ
ZZZZ
um...
Marivn: ZZZ
Rise and Shine!
Marvin: ZZZ
Good Morning, Sleeping Beauty!
Marvin: ZZZ
WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY!!!
...
Marvin: What!?
You look like an Animé...
Marvin: I get bedhead, alright?

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 28, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Fit the third about your petition.
A petition to a guy means nothing if it's only signed by fictional characters of his own creation!
Whaddaya think about that!? 
Marvin: Zzzz
Aww, Epic Fail!
Marvin: *
Snork?
Sorry about that... I'm just so tired is all.
Oh... Sorry. You know, I could leave you alone, if you want.
Marvin: Thanksss...zzz.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 21, 2010

Click to embiggen.

Transcript:
Fit the second about your little "Unkill Collin" petition.
A guy can't just go around unkilling people, no matter how fictional they are!
It completely breaks cred, if I break the already carefully-defined rules of my own universe.
Any reader would be perfectly justified in carefully avoiding anything I write in the future.
It's just not right!
Marvin: Even if you break the fourth wall like that?
Kind of admits that it is fiction, throwing all normal rules out the window!
...Not really.
Marvin: Why not?
Because I say so.
Marvin: Drat. 

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 14, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
PETITION
Dear Eric,
Please bring Collin back.
Signed,
Marvin Thumper
D.P. Goblin PhD flower
Bambi ☥
faline
(the editor) Doug
Oh look Marvin how cute!
It's a petition to unkill Collin.
Well, I'm your puppetmaster, and I say nix on that.
You see, when you're a creator, you can do anything you want to your fictional dudes. This entire petition thing you're putting together was my idea! You have no free will.
My idea! Mine! (Weell, actually my subconciousness's [sic] idea, because it came to me in a dream, but... 
Marvin: hmm...
Also, Marvin, you can stop that "hmm"ing thing
I know you're planning to overthrow me.
Marvin: Drat.

Ur-Characters

   So how are crossovers possible when sometimes the rules of one television show's universe completely contradict the rules of another? I think it's the way that real-life people can show up in fictional universes, such as with presidents.

   Presidents do fictional things all the time, and I'm not talking politics. I mean, President Bush can meet George Lopez when clearly he's done no such thing in real life in the way it was depicted. There must be some kind of class of ur-character, or, uber-character, that by himself in real in his own universe but also has fictional versions. Tommy Westphall could be dreaming about someone who already exists, for example. Probably the easiest explanation, and the one that makes the most sense. I think that was a point brought up in the thing I showed you.

   For those unsatisfied with the way the Mission: Impossible film treated Jim Phelps, think of it as: the events of the show were canonical to the film, but the events of the film were not necessarily canonical to the show (where does the 1988 Mission come into all of this? It's kind of a remake, and kind of a sequel- I guess this attitude serves to make that much less confusing as well.)

Discrepancies

   How to explain away the discrepancies between connected television? It is a conundrum. I've got a few ideas:

1.    The presence of Morley brand cigarettes doesn't automatically imply that the show takes place in the X-Files universe. It just means both shows used the same prop company. Alright?
2. Alternate explanation: a lot of people on television are confused on what is or isn't real life. Which makes sense, because they're on television. If I were fictional, I'd be confused on what is or isn't fictional too. 
3. Barring that, they're just confused because they're figments of Tommy Westphall's imagination.
4. No, wait.
5. Oh, never mind.
6. Oh oh oh! I think I've got something.

Awesome Crossovers: Still Awesome After All These Years

   Crossovers happen alls the times, which has the side effect of maybe creating the existentially confusing Tommy Westphall universe, but has the upside of being awesome. Some of my all-time favorite crossovers:

1. T-Bag from Prison Break showing up in Breakout Kings. Unannounced, unexpected. Awesome.
2. The Millennium finale took place in X-Files. (When they did do the same thing for the finale for the Lone Gunmen it's not the same thing, as the Lone Gunmen was itself a spinoff from the X-Files.)
3. Speaking of X Files, that (non-canon) time they crossed over into the Simpsons.
4. You know who else crossed over into the Simpsons? Jack Bauer.
5. Cinnamon Carter from Mission: Impossible showing up in Diagnosis: Murder (makes sense, considering the similar titles), which is itself a spinoff of Jake and the Fatman and from here it gets into all kinds of nasty Tommy stuff so this is why I'm only selecting my favorite crossovers. 
6. There was one other one, but I forget. Oh, yeah: the Hawaii 5-0 remake apparently takes place in the same universe as JAG, due to the NCIS: LA crossover event. I think this makes both Hawaii 5-0s exist in the same universe, because maybe I'm just making this up but wasn't there like a Hawaii 5-0 / Dragnet thing?

   And this is why we don't play with matches.

Spiders

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 7, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
You have no power over me.
On the contrary, I, as your creator, have power over you.
I can control you, make you do anything at my slightest whim!
I have the power to make you laugh, cry, hurt, fall in love...
...or die.
Offstage Voice: I might resent that!
Yes, you might, Bambi...
Ah, Bambi! I remember that strip. November 8th, 2009. I remember it well.
A twist ending that completely threw the reader off-guard.
I am so brilliant.
I mean it. I don't even know how I come up with this stuff sometimes.
Marvin: hmm... 

NOTES:
   Man that's creepy. I am a creepy creepy dude. I'm Ooky Spooky. But, heh, a random offstage voice shouting "I might resent that!" out of nowhere: comedy gold.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, February 28, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
You have no way of knowing when I strike, Collin.
In your sleep, maybe.
Don't try to deny it. You will die. Maybe in two months...
...or two seconds.
Gotcha!
MARVIN: I'll get you for this.
Go ahead and try.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, February 21, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Collin: ...
Well?
I said I'm ready.
What?
Oh, sorry about that. Last week and all. I was too busy watching the epicly epic Avatar.
In 3-D!
So, uh... Nothing personal. Just, uh, got a bit of, uh, writer's block for that day. But I'll get you!
Oh, yesss... I'll get you. You know, eventually. Just not today, 'cos, well... Okay, bye.
Marvin: Hmm...

Two Years Ago Today

   It's the two-year-stravaganza! In memory of that, let's check it out, the eighth track from Comrade Helicopter's third album, Birds Cracking Foxy. Two Years Ago Today:

Two years ago today
She pulled me aside, she told me to love you
Three years ago today
I knew you back then, but what could I do?
Four years ago today
It’s been going on so long, I can’t believe I haven’t been caught.
One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long, and

In my dreams I have to run away from here
But my limousine's too long to turn around, I fear.
No, no, no, no
You know
I’d never really ever even run away
’Cause that limo’s getting longer by the mile.
(LOLZ, JK.)
But every time I see that girl I smile.
In fact, it was
Two years ago today.

Two years ago today
She pulled me aside, she told me to love you
Three years ago today
I knew you back then, but what could I do?
Four years ago today
It’s been going on so long, I can’t believe I haven’t been caught.
One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long, and

Last night I dreamt that you loved me
You snuck up behind me to hug me
I turned around and we began to kiss so tenderly.
You just had to turn away
Said you were tired of me
Wiping my hands on your shirt.

Two years ago today
She pulled me aside, she told me to love you
Three years ago today
I knew you back then, but what could I do?
Four years ago today
It’s been going on so long, I can’t believe I haven’t been caught.
One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long, and

Two years ago today
We weren’t sure we could have platonic love.

Three years ago today
I was even more lonely then than I am now.

Four years ago today
Man, I can’t believe what happened in your pool.

One year ago today
One year together just seemed like so long to
Rock on.

Two Year Stravaganza

   It's our (annual? well, by definition...) annual blog post year-stravaganza tomorrow, so once again vote now for the best-of worst-of. Go ahead, do it. You can if you want. I'm not stopping you. Just, uh, write it down in the comments section of today's post with maybe a link to that post or at least a specific enough description, or, to make it easier, in the respective comments sections themselves, of whatever posts you think you like the best. I'll be sure to ignore your opinions to the best of my abilities, of course, but please, I'd like your opinions... on my opinions. And we can all cry together.

   (Opinions sounds like onions. That's the joke.) Let that sink in. It gets really funny after about five seconds.

BEYOND THE EVENING STAR

I’m blue

By the light of the moon

By the light of the setting sun

I’m a sailor

Who’s sailed so far from home

But where do I belong?

I’m a sailor

Sailing on a sea of stars

Sailed beyond all the stars

I’ve ever known.

I’m a sailor

Sailing on a sea of stars

But where do I belong?

Where do I belong, where do I belong?

Where do any of us belong?

We

All belong here

Planet Earth, the Earth.
We

All belong here

Planet Earth, the Earth.

And the sky used to be above me

But now it’s below me, around me, the sky surrounds me

Planet Earth, the Earth

What Time is It?

   No, not Adventure Time. It's Valentimes! Not to say it can't be both.

   <3. Mathematical!

 

Pretension (is a good (?) thing!)

   Dear imaginary people in my head who say I'm just writing this stuff down in order to impress the heck out of other people:

   Of course. If you had something to say that would make yourself look worse than those around you, you wouldn't say it. Societal interactions are built almost entirely on one-up-man-ship, and it would be foolish of me to-- man, this is making me sound like a jerk, or worse.

   I'm here to share. Otherwise I would have written these only to myself. Or not written them at all. But writing something down gets it out of your head and clears up space for more stuff. It's one of those, we are all cyborgs, things. I am outsourcing my meat brain and using this writing as brain so I don't have to remember it. Cognitively, that's how that works. Cyborg.

   You have to stand by your work, though paradoxically part of that is owning up to your mistakes. No, not paradoxically. It makes the things you are proud of doing actually mean something.

Imagery in Itself

   Images are evocative, yes, but they are evocative of nothing but themselves, and evocative of nothing but evocation itself. Meaning, uh, it's not the image itself that's evocative. The image is just an image, and it evokes nothing but itself. The evocation itself of evocation itself allows us to be put in the mood for evocation, and that in itself is the evocative part.

   And there's no way of disproving that, because there's no way of understanding the meaning of what the heck I just said. (Outside of itself, I mean. (Ha ha. circular logic, just kidding.)) What I mean was, there's no way to prove me wrong because that point wasn't very well stated so it's impossible to know what my point even was. Just, uh, go look at something that's evocative of something. You'll see what I mean then. Such illustrations of illustrations can only be illustrated using illustrations. It establishes a mood, and that mood is the thing that is itself evocative.

   I suppose it is possible of putting these images into words, but, like I said, the words can only evoke the original image. Kind of a creepy Plato thing going on there. Mood is intangible, I guess. That's the problem-- well, not the problem, that's the very essence of it. It is what it is itself, and that's the only way of describing that, which is also a perfect illustration of my point. It is itself itself itself.

   I know what you're saying. "But Eric," you're saying, "You just proved yourself wrong by proving yourself right by using something of an intangible nature to saying that its very intangibility is the perfect illustration of how it's impossible to illustrate anything with things of an intangible nature." And now you're taking a deep breath, because that was quite a mouthful there. Good job on both being able to figure that out and also to say that.

   Uh, yeah, shoot. That's a good point. The entire thing is intuitionist; it can be proven through a long series of small logical steps, but we grasp it intuitively, like ethics or mathematics. I guess what I mean in all this is, art for art's sake. That's it. Art for art's sake. If you look back over it, you'll see that's what almost every sentence has been saying: Images are evocative of nothing but themselves, and evocative of nothing but evocation itself. Art for art's sake. It's not the image itself that's evocative. Art for art's sake. The image is just an image, and it evokes nothing but itself. Art for art's sake. The evocation itself of evocation itself allows us to be put in the mood for evocation, and that in itself is the evocative part. Art for art's sake. And so on.

   I hope you don't think that was pretentious in any way. All that deep thinking or whatever. Really, I was just treating it as kind of a lark. Shoot, wait, no. I mean, I worked very hard on that, and you'd better be impressed by it!

Com Truise!

   Okay, so I looked it up, and http://truise.com/ is not, in fact, a real website. Yet. At press time. If that even means anything on the internet. When I posted this, it wasn't.

   Here's what I think, though: that domain name has the possibility of being the most cleverly named Tom Cruise fan site on the internet.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, February 7, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: So, anyway, back to...
that of which...
I was speaking.
*phew*
My hypothesis is that the attack will come from slapstick.
This strip's humor has come from slapstick more and more recently.
The pies, the anvils, the dangling goblin...
It fits the milieu.
uhh...
Are you sure you don't want to go...
Collin: No, I'm ready for whatever can be thrown at me. Bring it.
OOOOON! 

NOTES:
   Sorry about the legibility of this one. Or lack thereof. It's a Sunday comic and Sunday means color, but in a black and white world the only opportunity for that comes through tinging emotions with actual tinges. All I had to work with for the color in this one were markers, so you can see how that turned out. At least I always publish a transcript alongside for exactly this reason (and so that the dialog can be searched through, à la OhNoRobot, while this is still down.)

Hulk in Hollywood

   More Hulk TV Show Trivia goodness, and sure why not let's make it in celebration of SHIELD. I'd imagine Hulk's not going to show up, as he's stinking expensive to put on screen even briefly, and to be quite honest I'm writing this from a time when the show's still a vague announced concept, so whatever. I just have more Hulk stuff to share with you.

   In the TV show, his name's David Banner instead of Bruce. What went wrong? Bruce isn't even Hulk's real first name. It's his middle. The character was introduced as Bruce Banner, but Stan Lee screwed up and wrote him as "Bob Banner" for a time. Still alliterative. Stan Lee was working on a lot of comics at the time, which is one of the reasons he's a legend but it also ensured that mistakes would be made. Rather than retconning these mistakes (or at least this mistake,) making it so that they never existed, The Man just came out and said that Bruce's full name is Robert Bruce Banner. Problem solved.

   Since Bruce is just Banner's middle name anyway, the show went on and called him by his first name- David? Yes. Remember the thing earlier about his name being alliterative? If you don't, just go back up to the previous paragraph. It's right there. You back? Okay, so the show's developer and executive producer, Kenneth Johnson, thought that the alliterative name was "comic book-y," as he was trying to ground Hulk more in reality. He changed Banner's first name from Bob to David, after his son David, but kept the middle name Bruce in nod to the comics. So there you have it.

Hollywood in Hulk

   Remember back in the '90s, when Hulk Hogan turned heel (bad guy wrestler) and reinvented himself as "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan? Well, neither do I. But I've read about it (it didn't last for very long.) But it turns out that there was a very, very good reason for that. Hulk Hogan debuted in 1979, back when the Hulk TV series was still on. Ah, so you can see where this is going. Well, very good.

   At that time, Hogan had to LICENSE (yes, in all caps like that) LICENSE his name from Marvel (his real name's neither really Hulk, nor Hogan) or at least his wrestling agency did. It was Ed McMahon (Sr.)'s idea, and it was he and the World Wrestling Federation to whom the name was LICENSED. This probably must have made it a bit of a hassle whenever he switched agencies (he had switched from WWF to AWA then back to WWF and then to WCW by the time he re-branded himself with all that new World order stuff in '96,) but I'm no expert in how wrestling agencies buy rights so I wouldn't know.

   I guess, to get out of that, so he wouldn't have to keep on paying LICENSING fees, he turned heel, called himself Hollywood Hulk Hogan, and shortened it to Hollywood Hogan. What a complicated and nefarious scheme. It didn't work, but, uh, there you go.

   (postscript: in 2005, he just bought the rights to the name "Hulk Hogan." If he could've done that all along, makes you wonder why he didn't.)

Another Poetry Tip, I Guess

   Learning forms of poetry is important, even if you don’t want to write sonnet after sonnet for the rest of your life. Knowing and being skilled in rigid forms of poetry makes your free verse much more powerful, because if you've practiced with words like that you know how they flow, and so your free verse actually sounds good.

The Best Ideas

   I blog a lot about serial killers, don't I? It's just I think serial killers would improve literally every (domain? title? product?) just by their addition. And just that. Like I said, I am not one.

   It also gives a point to have the proceedings of the plot in the first place, makes it interesting enough to be worthy to bear telling. If you had a crappy childhood, that's boo hoo for you, but if you had a crappy childhood and are also killing people because of it, well, that's intrinsically interesting.

   Here's a short list of some of the best ideas of all time:

1. It's like Magnolia, but with serial killers
2. It's like Rashoman, but with serial killers
3. It's like Da Vinci Code, but with serial killers
4. It's like Abyss, but with serial killers

   See, see how easy this is?

That Poor Dog

   The story is told of the hunt for Glasgow's notorious serial killer "Bible John" (so called because his last known victim was last seen in a taxi with a man who called himself John who said his family was very religious growing up and that he could recite Bible passages off the top of his head):

   A witness claiming to have seen him once remarked in questioning that the killer's hair matched almost perfectly the color of that of a passing dog's. The police chased the poor creature down and cut off a snip of its fur to give to the police sketch artist.

   Somehow this story seems significant to me, as if I've heard it before or something.

Epic Fails of History

Charles R. Drew, the man who pioneered many blood storage techniques that allowed blood banks to be able to hold blood for longer periods, an African American. They started segregating the blood supply into black blood and white blood...

   He did not himself bleed to death because they denied him blood because he was black, though. So that's good.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, January 31, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: So, anyway, back to what I was speaking of OOOF
Announcer: OH SNAP IT'S THE DANGLING PARTICIPLE GOBLIN!
!!!!!!!!!

Identity

   Or is it something else that truly scares me? Like I said, it's not my past self, but the idea of my past self, that I could have my strings pulled and not notice it. I'm better than I was, but how much of it is yet uninternalized?

   I broke very easily as a child. They must have instilled in me some coping mechanism or defense mechanism to counteract it, because I must have learned to outgrow it somehow (most of it anyway.) Maybe it's still there. My childhood is this force that's pressing against my back, nuzzling me and then swallowing me up. I've had positive and negative manifestations, suppressing the negative and refining the positive ones. Hopefully. The autism itself is the cause of both of these, but not the actions themselves- I choose how I manifest it.

   Sublimation is considered a psychologically mature form of defense mechanism, because it involves rejecting negative behavior. It involves the nourishing and nurturing of the underlying negative ideals you are trying to repress, though, only directing them to a different outlet. The demon grows alongside the angel.

   And that is why I am a serial killer.

   Haha, just kidding. (the dehydrated samples of human skin in the scrapbook under the bed are JUST RESEARCH, mother.)

   But the strengths and the weaknesses do come from the same source. It's not like my life is being defined by this, since I forget about it half the time as it is. I see myself as myself, to a degree of identity that I can only guess others can't even imagine. And it is this degree of identity which causes my own lack of identity. Like I said, the reason I return to the same things over and over is because they're awesome.

   (And I realize the problem behind that, but that is how most of us operate, so I'm gonna fly with it.)