Millionaire Math

   I've been watching a lot of game show clips YouTube, so prepare for more of these.

   I would have lost, since it was timed and I realized too late they were talking about squares instead of primes. I had confused primes before with this. Uh, that's it, I think.

   It's like that one scene in the Canadian horror movie Cube, infamous to mathematicians because it takes a character a few seconds to figure out whether or not an even number and a number ending in five are prime or not. Only this is about square numbers which I thought meant primes, and didn't know what they were talking about right off the bat?

   I've gotten too complacent in thinking I've got WWtbaM's mathematics beat, I guess.

?$?$?$?$?

   Show do Milhão, the Brazilian version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, differs from the American version in a few crucial ways. For one, you get half the money won from previous questions as a consolation prize. The audience (of "ask the audience" fame) consists, Price is Right-like, of contestants waiting their turn to play. You can stop at any time instead of answering and get all the money you would have on up till that point. Barring the million dollar prize, of course. Also, the prize money is usually given in gold bars, which is awesome. But none of those differences are why I'm talking about it now.

   Yesterday I had discussed the Monty Hall problem and how it applied to 50:50 on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?. In Show do Milhão their equivalent of 50:50 is a lifeline called "the cards." Pick a card, any card, out of the four cards face down in front of you. If you pick a three, three wrong answers are eliminated, if you pick a two, two wrong answers are eliminated, an ace, one wrong answer, a king, no wrong answers. Does this change the math?

   At first blush, you'd think not: there's a 25% of each, right? Half favorable and half unfavorable. That averages out to 50%. But think twice about that. When you select a 50:50, there's a 100% chance of having a 50% chance on a blind guess, which means a 50% chance of guessing correctly. When you select the cards, it's not 50%, though there's a one-in-four chance of each- 25% of having all wrong answers eliminated, but 25% of having none, et cetera. If you have one wrong answer eliminated and had to guess blindly between the other three, there's a one in three chance you select the correct answer. There's 25% chance you get a 25% chance (no answers eliminated, four answers left,) 25% chance you get a 33.333% chance (one answer eliminated, three answers left,) 25% chance you get a 50% chance (two answers eliminated, two answers left,) and a 25% of you get a 100% chance (three answers eliminated, one answer left.)

   Another counter-intuitive solution: mathematically that boils down to, no a 50:50 proposition, but a little over a 52:48 proposition, your favor.

The Montie Hall Problem

   Let's talk a little about Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?.

   There's the classic game show problem of three doors. Behind one is a (presumably fabulous) prize. Behind the other two are the dreaded ZONKs. You select one door at random, and the host shows you a ZONK behind a door you didn't pick. You had a 1/3 chance of selecting the (presumably fabulous) prize one the first random selection, now there are two doors, and if you select one of them at random you'd have a 50/50 chance for the prize. Meaning, switch that door, you. It's mathematically sound.

   How does this tie into Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? The 50/50 lifeline on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire let's say you chose an answer, but didn't make it your final one.

Unlike here. Ouch.

   You decide not to risk it so early, and select the 50/50 to see if you were on the right track. You were! That's the equivalent of two ZONKs eliminated, right? So, the question is, do the same principles apply here? Would switching tracks, even though you thought you were on the correct path before, yield a more favorable result? It makes sense. There was a 25% chance of the selection of the correct answer, and now there's a 50% chance. That's 50% better odds, or a 37.5% chance over a 25% chance (that's how that works, right? Somebody who knows this stuff correct me if I'm wrong, please.)

   Remember, though, that's only if the answer you thought it was was one of the ones to remain up on the board (once again, there's a 50% chance of that happening.) If it doesn't, then it truly is a 50-50 chance. If there's a 50% chance of there being a 50% chance and a 50% chance of there being a 37.5% chance, then instead of being called 50:50, maybe the lifeline should be called, shoot, 565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656565656. (The cat just stepped on the keyboard there (apparently pressing two keys at the same time types both of them alternating?), but, why not, let's call it that, as it's still numbers, and reminiscent of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'s $?$?$?.) 43.75:56.25.

   No, but really, pressing two keys at the same time makes them alternate. Try it. And, holding down the shift key while pressing 4 and / at the same time... $?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?

   It takes some practice, but it is possible.

Correspondence 5/19/10 22:08 - 22:29

   We discuss the theme from Fritalian!

Re: Progress Report
From POMegranate to Persomem   Mar 19, 2010 10:08 pm
What was the name of the theme from Fritalian again?

Re: Progress Report
From Persomem to POMegranate   Mar 19, 2010 10:10 pm
Political Sex?

Re: Progress Report
From POMegranate to Persomem   Mar 19, 2010 10:13 pm
No, no, that's by the Them They Those Guys. Comrade Helicopter, however, does a song that's the theme from that one action/ road trip movie. Easy There Tiger or something like that. Hold On There Tiger? Whoa There Tiger? I don't think it's Hold On There, because I remember it not sounding like a kitten was dangling helplessly from a wire.

Re: Progress Report
From Persomem to POMegranate   Mar 19, 2010 10:16 pm
Hm, then I don't remember.

Re: Progress Report
From POMegranate to Persomem   Mar 19, 2010 10:20 pm
It's WTT, then.

Re: Progress Report
From Persomem to POMegranate   Mar 19, 2010 10:23 pm
Kay.

Re: Progress Report
From POMegranate to Persomem   Mar 19, 2010 10:24 pm
Whoa There Tiger (Theme from Fritalian) if I wasn't clear enough for you. I had made that abundantly clear, but then I was distracted by lavish '30s musical numbers, and forgot to do that.

Re: Progress Report
From Persomem to POMegranate   Mar 19, 2010 10:29 pm
Other than the parentheses, I knew what you were saying. Took me a second though.

...A Thing

   The ending of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog always kind of confused me. No, not that part. The very end. Not the very very "...a thing" end, but the part before that. Yeah. Evil League of Evil, man, you got in, congrats!

   It confused me, because in that scene, I thought that he was somehow infiltrating the Good League of Good. The presence of Bad Horse there notwithstanding. Maybe it was Good Horse, the Thoroughbred of Virtue?

The Bourne Déjà Vu

   Déjà Vu is so mainstream. Being familiar with something you've never seen before? Scoff. Please. You know what would be awesome? Taking something you've already seen but being completely unfamiliar with it. It wouldn't be amnesia, in the same way déjà vu isn't Groundhog's Day. But it'd still be the opposite of déjà vu, you know?

   What would it be called? Déjà vu means already seen, so... never seen, or jamias vu. Ha, that's awesome.

   Freak, that already exists? Well, I've certainly never heard of it before.

   Or have I?



   ...Yeah, that was it. You can go home now.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, May 16, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: Hey Bambi! Hot enough for ya?
Collin: !
You shouldn't do that, Marvin.
Marvin: Do what?
Collin: In a flat white expanse for a world, where scenery or any reference outside is conjured up purely for plot convenience, such as the table on 2-15-09 and 5-10-09...
You really can't say that there's such thing as temperature.
Although Bambi, being a deer, (and an outside character) does have the ability to sense heat, "hotness" as opposed to "heat" would be a subjective rather than objective thing, so I guess you're right in that aspect.
Marvin: Wha-... Wha-...
Collin: Why am I suddenly so smart? Well, since I'm back alive, I figured I'd better take care of myself, starting with my reputation. So it's no more "dumb Collin" from now on!
Marvin: So you just got smarts from out of nowhere?
Collin: The Editor hasn't been giving me Notes behind your back, if that's what you mean.
Editor's Note: Oh yes I have!
Collin: Drat.

The Risk I Took VI

   Returning to the dangling plot threads of the actual story that got hijacked by a long and pointless subplot that completely derailed the whole story. China's still a big threat. Britain's still got not-at-all-veiled alternate history steampunk technology. And now, they're going head-to-head! Awesome! No, wait: they went head-to-head. While we were paying attention to the decline and fall of the Portuguese (re: Spanish) Empire, which was less of an empire and more of a democratic republic since they apparently had a president-- Britain and China were having all of their fights.

   WHAAA--?

   So, while we weren't paying attention, China had gained occupancy of several British (really Swedish, German, and Polish) cities. Warsaw and Danzig from Poland, Stockholm in Sweden, and Berlin in Germany, if you really must know. However, Britannia have managed to hold most of the Oriental forces back, since they've probably got steam-power jet packs and stuff. They themselves, in their fight against the Chinese forces, have managed to themselves advance to occupy the central European cities of Sarajevo, Budapest, and Zagreb. These cities ostensibly are part of the Catholic Empire, but it's not like they put up much of a fight, exactly who owns what cities is kind of arbitrary in this universe and anyway I said we're through with those guys.

   Now all of the action is taking place in a Chinese-bombarded Vienna. It's holding up strongly, with the help of French support. China is back 9 Risk troops, whatever that may count for, and Britannia has been put back no troops. I guess they just used Catholic mooks as shock force human shields or something, to whatever extend we are in fact apparently no ignoring the existence of the Catholic Empire. Or it could be the steam-powered weaponry. Yeah, that's probably it.

   And so, that's the backstory for whatever the heck that was.

The Risk I Took V

   More big news: the Catholic Empire is a thing that exists, independent of the Roman Empire. For it is to the Catholic Empire that the Portuguese send their desperate petitions after the realization that the Romans are messing them up something fierce. How are all of these factions separate? Shouldn't they all historically be the same thing? When will the subplot with the Chinese and the British Colonization come back into play? Well, one of these questions is going to be answered. Very soon.

   The Catholic Empire swoops in and destroys 10 Roman troops with no loss of their own, as by this point the Roman Empire (who, here, remember, specialize in naval-based combat) are far too spread out to maintain an effective defensive barrier. By that time, however, the 15 Portuguese (forces?) left over from the previous attacks were no more, as the Romans had already taken over Portugal (Spain?) from one front while it was in a weakened state in a war from two fronts- France, still kind of miffed at Portugal's betrayal, had attacked and taken over Pamplona (yes.)

   I guess Portugal/Spain is out of the picture now. Also, you know the Catholic Empire, that heretofore unmentioned superpower that logically shouldn't exist in the first place but came down like a deus ex machina to save Portugal until it turned out that there was no Portugal to save anymore and so aside from making no sense within the context of the universe also served no purpose in the story? We're not seeing them again, either. We could... pretend that didn't just happen? Yeah, let's pretend that didn't just happen.

The Risk I Took IV

   Here's the part where things get a little Risk-y. That is to say, the board game-based mechanics of this universe begin showing their roots. To counter Rome's holding hostage of their missionaries, Portugal sends out exactly five troops. (See?). An alliance between Portugal and France is struck (see?), and France sends out 15 troops of its own (see?). Rome destroys seven of France's fifteen troops (I guess that leaves eight left) and, in retaliation, brutally slaughters all of Portugal's captive missionaries. I'm not sure if the Romans ever knew that those guys weren't Chinese. No matter. They're dead now. France, with their presumably eight troops remaining (how much is a troop, anyway? Have I been doing it wrong?) with their eight remaining-- units, I guess-- have removed the threat of Rome off of the minor Mediterranean islands, because that's how combat works in Risk. The Mediterranean is a slightly safer place to be, yay.

   Portugal's missionaries were still killed, though, and, enraged at France's incompetence, they decide to break the treaty off. The announcement of said break-up comes in the form of ambushing the heck out of some peaceful French ships. The Portuguese ships themselves are ambushed by Roman ships immediately afterwards-- for a society that apparently doesn't have enough spies to tell the Portuguese from the Chinese, they sure have good timing. Also, they were still kind of the undisputed rulers of the Mediterranean all along, with their fancy pirate ships and things, so there's that. For Portugal, what was a simple misunderstanding before has now turned into outright aggression, and the President (yes) of Portugal declares war (yes) on Rome. By the time he had gotten around to doing this, however, Rome was already waging a war on the shores of Portugal, cutting all communications off so that the President would have no way of knowing that Rome was already occupying the cities of Barcelona and Cadiz (yes.) (I guess Portugal had assimilated Spain somewhere along the line?) Anyway more Risk stuff, because the precise number of troops-- units!-- taken out was five.

The Risk I Took III

   Part three. Apparently Catholicism is somehow still around. Are we going for some sort of "convergent timelines" explanation?

   SO, the Roman Empire, still being around and all, have "herd talle" (I'm presuming it means "heard tale") of China's new power play to expand westward. They take captive a group of Portuguese Missionaries, presuming them to be Chinese spies. Hey, it's not like I make the rules. Okay, I did, as I wrote this in the first place, but that was a far younger version of me. There are Portuguese people who look Chinese, right? Right? Okay, China here refers to not just the Middle Kingdom but Russia and India, so their concept of China is far broader than our concept of China. Of course.

The Risk I Took II

   Meanwhile, the Middle Kingdom has taken over the north, south, and east, and are casting their eyes westward. Their racistly slanted- okay, never mind, we won't go there. Even with the word "racistly" there to prove how racist that is. Also, is "racistly" even a word? My spell check doesn't seem to like it. I'm pretty sure Flight of the Conchords used it once. Anyway, China is trying to take over Europe. Though I'm not entirely sure how they took over India and Russia. Khan? Let's go with that. Okay, so ol' Genghis doesn't die of mysterious circumstances in 1227. He lives, taking the campaign in a completely different direction from how Ogedei would have taken it.

   Ooh, that's good. All the great conquerors were successful in their campaigns in this world. Alexander doesn't die so young and lives to conquer India, which I guess unifies it under Greece enough for Genghis to take it easily when he does his thing; Hannibal, instead of beating Scipio at the Battle of Zama, would preempt that by winning his Italian campaign, which is why the Roman Empire is so weak at the time the story begins; Scipio stays in Africa and turns Carthage into some kind of superpower; and all sorts of things could happen with Caesar I don't even know where to begin.

The Risk I Took I

   I had transcribed a RISK game once, and thought it was really cool at the time, but afterwards was always kind of embarrassed about it. I've found it again, though, and looking back over it, I'm thinking I was right the first time; that was awesome! It's really good alternate history, at least. Basically what happens is Crete becomes a small yet powerful superpower, ruling the Mediterranean and becoming the heart of the Roman Empire. It becomes a pirate nation, controlling the seas with ship technology hundreds of years ahead of that of any surrounding nations. Britannia sets sail across the Atlantic and discovers the New World a year before Leif Ericson would have landed there. I'm not sure if he's even around in this universe, I hadn't given it much thought until now. Anyway.

   Britannia utilizes the vast natural resources on these untapped continents to advance technology greatly, what with the petroleum and the internal combustion engines and all that. They have by the year 1500 developed and perfected the internal "steam combustion engine" (which is possible I guess or at least in this universe but shut up I was only like 15 when I wrote it.) To elaborate: steam power works on external combustion, which means that combustion heats the working fluid which expands and powers the engine, and the combustion products and the working fluid are separate. Internal combustion engines have the combustion of the fuel itself directly apply force to power the engine. I guess in this instance it would be the steam itself combusting, BUT I don't think that's possible. Magic, I guess?

   Next time: Little Trouble in Big China

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, May 9, 2010

 Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Collin's back!? Hey-! wai-! Wha-!?!
HOW!?!
Announcer: OH SNAP IT'S AN AWESOME LEVERAGE-STYLE FLASH BACK!!!!!!
This entire petition thing you're putting together was my idea! You have no free will.
My idea! Mine! (Weell, actually my subconciousness's [sic] idea, because it came to me in a dream, but...)
Flashback Marvin: hmm...
So wait. What you're saying is that I dreamed it?
Marvin: Well, yes...
Ah, Bambi! I remember that strip. November 8th, 2009. I remember it well.
I mean it. I don't even know how I come up with this stuff sometimes.
Flashback Marvin: hmm...
Marvin: That was the moment I knew I had Leverage, so to speak, over you.
As one of your creations, I infected your dreams.
Dreams...
Marvin: Yep. Lots of ideas come to you there, including comics.
Comics?
Marvin: The ones from 3-14-09, 4-5-09, 5-17-09, 9-6-09, 9-13-09, 9-20-09, 11-8-09, 12-06-09, and 3-28-10, point of fact. 

NOTES:
   We get to explore the creative process a little bit here. Since this comic is in black and white except for the speech bubbles, there wasn't really a way to truly capture the blue-tinted-ness of actual Leverage flashbacks,  especially since Marvin already speaks with a blue accent half the time. Maybe could have made the note boxes tinted? In a black-and-white world, I don't think that would have worked...

Carpe DOLO

   YOLO has been called "carpe diem for dumb people," I think by Jack Black. But carpe diem is actually terrible advice. "Seize the day, and eat a bunch of pizza and corn chips, all the time." Versus, "YOLO, so I'll not eat a bunch of junk food and maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle, or else my future self will be really mad at me."

   It's what people have co-opted YOLO and taken it to mean that gets them in trouble. Right now, though, I'm seizing the day. By scheduling a bunch of posts.

   Seize the Day, You Only Live Once... Actually, that sounds like a 007 flick. You Only Seize One Day. Or something like that.

Many Things (Phoning it In Today): 四本の指

Image source: TV Tropes.
Yeah, I got it all off of TV Tropes for the day, alright? It's Creative Commons 3.0, so, I can do it... 

   Why don't they have four-fingered hands in Anime? Why do they all have five fingers? You ever noticed this? Four fingers on cartoon hands is such a ubiquitous trope in the West, but... in the East? They've all got five fingers over there. 

   Why is that? There are actually many reasons. 

   http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FourFingeredHands has this word of explanation (and I'm not even bothering to change it from the original formatting!):

1. The Yakuza traditionally chop off the little fingers of those who are unable to pay back a debt, or for other offences that warranted punishment but not death.
2. The four-fingered hand is taken as a derogatory reference to the burakumin social class (four fingers = four legs = animals).
3. The number four in Japanese also means death.

   Fascinating. That's... many reasons. One, two, many. Many reasons.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, May 2, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Hey, here it goes again.
Marvin: Shoot, um...
This could continue forever.
Marvin: ...
Just this strip, over and over again, each Sunday.
It would have a sort of delicious poignancy to it, non? 
Marvin: Hey, umm...
Nope, I'm not gonna bring Collin back.
Marvin: Collin!
I mean, canon is canon, and canonically, Collin is dead.
Marvin: ...
Wanna know what's cool?
(imitating Collin) Why, I certainly do!
Affadavits! Them things is radcore!
...
Hey, what the-!?
Marvin: One of these days I'm gonna kill that boy.

Correspondence 5/2/10 9:23 - 12:10

   Sweet rejection!

Behold Ye!
From POMegranate to Persomem   May 2, 2010 9:23 am
Our first reject letter!:
http://persistenceofmemory.wikispaces.com/file/view/reject1.pdf/138780189/reject1.pdf

Re: Behold Ye!
From Persomem to POMegranate   May 2, 2010 11:51 am
Haha, oh man, we are like real authors now.

Re: Behold Ye!
From POMegranate to Persomem   May 2, 2010 11:57 am
Yep. You know what this means, right?

Re: Behold Ye!
From POMegranate to Persomem   May 2, 2010 12:01 pm
It means we've got to get even more legit.

Re: Behold Ye!
From Persomem to POMegranate   May 2, 2010 12:10 pm
Agreed. I have a few publishers in mind already.

Film Review: Cars 2

   Cars 2 brings to head a paradox that, while entirely possible to be ignored in the first film, is addressed explicitly in the sequel: Vehicles run on fossil fuels. Fossil fuels are made from dead plant and animal matter. In the Cars universe, all the plants and animals are vehicles. Do you see where I'm going with this?

   Eating is tantamount to cannibalism. Not only that, but what did those ancient animals run on? More fossil fuels? Where did those come from? Also, if all cars eat and drink is petroleum, then what's the point of all the agriculture seen in Cars 1?

   It's weird. Like, how in shows or movies with animal people, it isn't really brought up exactly whether they're actually animals... or people. I guess that's why they are what they are, but, eh, I guess you'd expect that'd interact in more complex ways. In this franchise, they're... cars, right? There's the scene, for instance, where the spy cars are able to identify a car in a crowd by zooming in the security footage on the vehicle's "VIN number." (That'd be the equivalent of, what, getting somebody's fingerprints off blurry grainy CCTV of that person? Only they actually control the cameras and can zoom in.) My point is, though, you wouldn't be able to do that with something without a VIN.

   it's not all bad. The racing scenes are... racy? You can clearly see the techniques and technologies pioneered by the Wachowskis for "Speed Racer." But, uh, the racing raises its own questions. If everyone's a car in this universe, then what kind of jobs to they have other than racing? In the first film we saw gas station attendants and tire shop owners, a Sergeant in the military (hmm.. car wars) but, other than that...

   So, only the fastest cars race, right? Are you born into your make and model? That's like some kind of institutionalized racism, isn't it? It seems implied, if not explicitly stated, by the presence of the lemons. If those cars are so unpopular, that means that they're a minority.

   I don't know. I just don't know. Let's just say they're all robots in a post-singularity world. Except the landmarks themselves are shaped like cars...

   I still just don't know.

The Zucchini Story (Final Entry)

   3/29/2014

   The zucchini takes up valuable freezer space, sometimes.

   Hoo boy. These couple of beauts are a batch made out of my one zucchini bread recipe, mixed together with the two banana bread recipes from home. The bananas were also taking up freezer space. That opened up a lot.

   And just, one by one, or two by two, batch by batch (this particular batch of three recipes blended required two casserole dishes of course- a one-quart one and a two-quart one. Which we can no longer seem to find after this batch...)

   And... Well, that's it, actually. Last week I brought in the final zucchini bread, Data Quality zone's annual "Green Food Day" to Celebrate Saint Patrick. What better thing to bring in than green jello, a green box of Girl Scout cookies, and the bread on which I spent the last of the frozen zucchini?

   This Tuesday, the last of if finally got all eaten up. Phew. Proof, here's the quart casserole dish, soaking.

   Delectable.

   I had one last zucchini, on top of the final three frozen bags (each baggie equaled about a cup of shredded zucchini- three baggies = three cups = the amount of zuke called for in a single recipe.) Brought it from apartment to apartment to apartment, however long I had it. Finally peeled it, once I used up the final baggies, but a bit too soon of course- the casserole dish I could use, the one we could find, was being used by the other zucchini bread! So the peeled zucchini, not ready to be shredded, sitting out in open air a couple of days...

   Yep.

   Though it wasn't that bad, just, unusable. Which is just as well, since I used up all the last of the flour (and the eggs, and the oil I think) on the other zucchini bread. So I was swamped anyway, that-wise. The flour, woo... I'd bought a 25 pound bag of flour; you can see how monstrous that thing was in the background of one or two of the previous entries' photos when we're attacking the first zukes. And now, finally used up.

   More proof. The sheer magnitude of the feat is boggling, using up that much flour, and still having needed to have more if all the horsey zucchinis hadn't gone bad. (horsey zucchini, hmm...)

   Sorry about that. But it really has been quite a, um, ride.

The Zucchini Story (Part IV)

   3/22/2014

   So, as I cliffhanger'd last time, we thought that we had enough zuke shreds to make plenties of breads. But that turned out not to be the case.

   It wasn't that it turned out that we didn't have a big bowl entirely full of shreds, that it wasn't all the way full somehow. Oh no it was not that at all. Neither was it that the recipe called for more zucchini than we'd initially thought, that packing the zuke down made what seemed like three cups at first a lot less than that. Nor was it some third thing that it wasn't. We definitely did have enough zucchini to make a boatload of batches. Did have...

   See, I'd completely forgotten the one thing that everyone knows about storing zucchini shreds, the thing that newborn infants know about it. Put the zucchini into tiny little baggies and freeze that stuff, right? 

   Nope, though, I just let that stuff sit there, on the top of the fridge, at room temp, for several days. And then, it was the night before a Data Quality snack day. So, deciding to make zucchini bread for that, having all the other ingredients mixed and everything, I went to to add the zuke. 

   And it was dry on top, soggy underneath, and moldy everywhere.

   No, I'm not getting you a photo of that. Have a horsey in a hat, instead:

   Isn't that a more pleasant image?

   I debated (for hopefully less than 5 milliseconds) whether to just add the less moldy smelly stuff in the middle (where it was neither dry nor soggy) to the recipe, but, nope, instead I had to make an emergency move for the huge zucchini, with an hour and a half to get the whole thing shredded by myself with no help from the blender or anything. 

   I made it, barely, but had to wake up early the next morning to bake the thing.

   So from then on I learned my lesson:

 

   Freeze the zuke.

   Next (and final) entry: getting rid of the remainder.

The Zucchini Story (Part III)

   2/22/2014

   There was the fresh young zuke and the big old zukes. This is a bowl of the shreds. Guess which half came from which zucchini.

   At first we just grated the zucchini in a cheese grater, and although that was effective it wasn't the quickest and well I've still got battle scars on my fingers.

   Luckily that morning I'd also bought that blender, to make pizza for dinner that night (yes (...long story)), knowing it would also possibly be useful for shredding zucchini. So bright and shiny when we started off.

   It, uh, it wasn't as effective as we could have hoped. That blender's dead now. For the record, though, this morning I dismantled it to see if I could try fixing it. Uhh... No luck so far.

   But

it worked fine enough once you learned how to do it right. 

   And after that, we had a big bowl of zucchini shreds!

   This big red bowl on the left, filled up to the brim. Sweet! And that's even without cutting much into the huge one. 

   So, now we had enough zucchini shreds to make like 10 batches of zucchini bread.

   Or so we thought....

The Zucchini Story (Part II)

   9/7/2013

   The Zucchini wasn't the only zucchini I brought home. I also brought a normal-size one and a puny one. The "puny one" was actually an average-sized zuke, and the "normal one" was pretty large but hardly legendary. With this much zucchini, I was going to have to get some major software.

   But first, a recipe for zucchini bread. Elder Snell had one on the computer, zapped it over to a printer. The next day, I went on a hundred-dollar shopping spree, splurged on enough ingrediants to make a sexagintible batch. Plus, a blender and a grater, for cutting the bits down to size.

   But how am I going to goshdarn peel that goshdarn zucchini?

   With a goshdarn peeler, goshdarn it!

   That poor peeler got abused. Have a couple pics of it in action:

   See how I tried to start peeling on the largest one first but had to give up? That thing had thick skin.

   And then, once that had been accomplished, grating the zuke. Which maybe I'll talk about next time.

The Zucchini Story (part I (a serial!))

  8/17/2013

   First of all, I'm going to have to talk about the Zucchini itself. (Yes. The Zucchini. With a capital Z and everything.) 

   Brad, the guy I work under (you know Brad,) Brad's got this garden, apparently. Up in Data Quality we've got this thing called the Snack Alley, where I used to work before they moved me to Main Street. You know Snack Alley. Brad, see, his cubicle is right next to Snack Alley. He can peek over the cubicle wall down to the Snack Table, to see if there's any of what he calls "temptation food." And occasionally, apparently, he offers his own contribution to the table.

   It could have been any amount of time ago; I think I remember it being a month or so from when I write this. It's in my journal, but I don't have that on me. He's got a garden, apparently, and this year's crop of zucchini had been particularly profitable. By the time he got to the center of the patch this year, his zucchini had had so much time to grow, that after all this time, when he finally got into the center, there it sat.

   The Zucchini.

   Actual estimates to its size and weight vary, and have grown to legendary proportions over time. No accurate measurements were ever made. To my knowledge. Maybe Brad himself knows; I don't know. What is generally agreed upon is that it weighed at the minimum 15-20 pounds. I'm not sure what the average weight for a zucchini is supposed to be, or if that's particularly heavy for a zucchini, but I'm trying to stick to the facts here. 

   I think maybe that's why big fish stories were invented. Everything's so much more extreme up close, sometimes you paradoxically need to exaggerate the facts in order to be true to life. More is more. In this instance, though, less is more, so I'm sticking with that estimate. 15-20 pounds.

   And it was fun to heft, too. My companion and I got more total exercise in those couple of weeks that we had that thing, than in the entirety of the our missions up to that point.

   All photographs of me actually hefting the Zucchini itself make me look really ugly, so I'm not going to show those here. Maybe it'd be anticlimactic of me to publish a picture of the Zucchini at all, after all that buildup. But maybe it won't be. (I'm not sure; a zucchini of that size is no longer outside the realms of my experience, so I've got nothing to compare it to.) I'm going to do it; if anyone out there can say "I've seen bigger," well... nnnng. Remember, though, the ideal zucchini is more or less indistinguishable from a cucumber from the outside.

   (That thing was hard to cut.) And on the inside, with another, average zucchini on the side for comparison of size (and to prove that it was in fact a zucchini and not some other squash variety.)

   Yep, that's clearly the same species, alright.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 25, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: Here we go again.
Shoot, um...
 ...
Hey, umm...
Collin!
 ...
Wanna know what's cool?
(imitating Collin) Why, I certainly do!
Affadavits! Them things is radcore!
...
One of these days I'm gonna kill that boy.
Whew!

Sketchings: Oh, Man, I Misspelled Yogurt

   I was talking to... this kid. A student. He saw I was making sketches, yeah? He asked me if I had any dog drawings, and I showed him the dog on this page. There was the head right in the middle there; I had been rather proud of it when I drew it as I was experimenting with a new style. He noticed it and agreed, but said it was too "stretched," whatever he meant by that. Like, the top of the head.

    I suppose I can see it.

Heads (Drawings of Them)

   What does the 

way I draw

heads say about

me?

Other than that

I've got no idea how

hairlines work,

And that I like heads

at a slight angle?

   Actually, those last few weren't bad. I think that last one might be Colt Carmen.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 18, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: Hey, umm...
Collin!
...
Wanna know what's cool?
(imitating Collin) Why, I certainly do!
Hey wait a second.
Marvin: What?
This is just like the comic on 11/15/09!
Marvin: Yeah, well
since Collin's gone, and it's time to get back to business as usual,
I figured that this was the only sketch I could do by myself. So, anyway, proceeding.
Affadavits! [sic] Them things is radcore!
...
One of these days I'm gonna ki-...!
*sigh.*

Adam's Play, Act I Scene 2

SCENE 2

(This scene takes place the very next day.
Pamela, Alex and Julie are sitting on the sofa
reading a newspaper)

PAMELA
(Mad)
33 people died and 15 other people were injured. Why don’t they give the victims names.  I need to know if Kevin is all right or not.

ALEX
Just calm down.

JULIE
You left a message on your parents phone right?

PAMELA
Of course I did. They should have called by now.

ALEX
I’m sure they have a reason. They might not be home yet, you never know. There could be weather problems holding them up or something.

PAMELA
This is sickening. I need answers. Why haven’t my parents called? Is my brother safe, and who would kill 32 people and himself?

ALEX
We don’t know, just sit down and we’ll figure out what to do.

(Just then the phone rings. Pamela rushes to the phone and she picks it up)
PAMELA
Hello. . . Mom, dad, oh thank heavens you’re all right. I was worried. . . Yes I heard about it. Is Kevin all right. . . What news? Tell me. . . I can’t calm down. I’ve been worried about Kevin since yesterday. I hardly slept last night thinking of what could have happened. I couldn’t stop thinking about him . . . What, he
got shot? How is he? . . .
(Losing her mind)
Why didn’t you call me earlier? You have known about this for hours and you finally decide to call your daughter! I have been worried to death about my brother for so long. How thoughtful of you guys! . . .
(Controlling herself)
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things but I was scared. I’ve been worried for a while . . . So how long has he been in the hospital? . . . Ok, I’m going to leave today. . . I don’t care if I miss school. My brother’s life is more important than college. . . I’m leaving as soon as I can get my things together . . . Thanks for calling. I’m sorry for my reaction over the phone about you guys not calling earlier . . . I love you and I will see you when I get there. . . Ok, goodbye.

(She hangs up. During this monologue Julie and Alex will
react to everything she says.)

ALEX
So when are you leaving?

PAMELA
I’m leaving as soon as I get my stuff together.

JULIE
It’s about a 12 hour drive from here to Virginia, do you want one of us to come along?

PAMELA
No, this is very personal to me. Kevin is my brother and I need to face this by myself.

ALEX
I am not letting you travel by yourself. I am coming along and there is no way you can stop me.


PAMELA
All right, you can come with me. Julie you stay here and make sure nothing happens.

JULIE
I’m coming with you guys and I don’t care what you say. I have been your best friend since kindergarten. I can’t leave you in a time like this. I’ve known Kevin almost all my life and I’m going to be there with you in this time of crisis.

PAMELA
Please Julie. You don’t have to do this we will be fine.

JULIE
I’m coming Julie I really need to be their for you and Kevin.

PAMELA
All right, you can come also.

(Pamela opens up her room door and walks into her room. We can see a dresser and a side of a bed. Pamela opens the dresser drawers and she puts clothes into a bag.)

JULIE
Thank you Pamela. You don’t realize how important this is to me to be with you.
                               (Julie walks into her room and starts packing also, from
       her room)
So how is Kevin?

PAMELA
(From her room)
He’s ok. He got shot and he’s been in the hospital. The doctors said he’ll be all right. He’s probably going to have to be in the hospital for a couple of weeks but he will be fine. That’s all my parents told me.
(Pamela zips up the bag and leaves her room. She closes her
door. Julie walks out of her room and closes the door)

ALEX
I need to stop at my place so I can grab my clothes and other things we might need. Can you guys pick me up there.
PAMELA
Certainly just hurry, we need to leave as soon as possible. Make sure you drive safely darling. I can’t have two men in my life in the hospital.

ALEX
I will darling. Make sure you two drive safely also. I wouldn’t know what I would do without you. Well I better hurry. I will see you two in a couple of minutes. I love you Pamela.
(Alex and Pamela kiss.)
Goodbye.

(Alex exits the room through the DL door. Blackout.)

Adam's Play, Act I Scene I

WHAT IF?

a short play



by


Adam Perazzo



















Copyright © 2007 by Adam Perazzo
Churchill County High School
Thespian Troupe 3918
6262 Stillwater Rd.
Fallon, NV 89406
(775) 423-2284
CHARACTERS


PAMELA Kevin’s caring sister.  Alex’s girlfriend.  Julie’s roommate. 20.

JULIE Chemistry major.  Pamela’s long-time friend and college
roommate. 20.

ALEX Tall with blonde hair and grey eyes. Pamela’s boyfriend. 22.































SETTING

Pamela and Julie’s apartment on the University of Chicago campus.  The apartment has 3 doors. One leads to Pamela’s room and another to Julie’s room. These are located in the UC of the room. The last door leads to the outside and it is located DL. There is a sofa in the middle of the room with a coffee table in front of it. There is a small kitchen DR. There is a kitchen cabinet separating the kitchen from the living room. In the kitchen there is a sink, oven, and fridge. There is a phone on the kitchen cabinet. There is a table directly in between Pamela and Julie’s room. There is a bouquet of roses inside of a vase, on the table.





TIME

April 16 & 17, 2007





















SCENE 1

(Pamela and Julie’s apartment on the University of Chicago campus. The lights come up and we see Pamela in the kitchen, and Julie sitting on the Sofa.)

JULIE
(Julie has a Chemistry book in her lap)
How are the cookies coming Pam?



PAMELA
They are almost done. Hopefully they turn out all right with this new recipe I used. This is the first time trying this recipe. I hope you like Double Chocolate Peanut Butter Oatmeal cookies because that’s what they’re called.

JULIE
Sounds interesting, I’m sure they’re going to be fine.

PAMELA
I got the recipe from my mother and I decided to try it out.

JULIE
Can you help me with this Chemistry homework?

PAMELA
                          (She walks out of the kitchen and crosses to the sofa)
Sure, what do you need help on?

JULIE
(Picking up one of the pencils on the coffee table)
I don’t understand how to find the formula weight of a compound using the atomic mass found on the Periodic Table of Elements.

PAMELA
Huh? English please. You want to repeat that please using words that the average person can understand?


JULIE
Never mind, you won’t know. You’re majoring in Alex, I love you career. What does he do for a living anyways?


PAMELA
He’s a dentist and he does some ventriloquism on the side. Also we’ve only been dating for a year

JULIE
Only! That’s a long time when you think about it. I bet you when he finally does propose he will have his puppet by his side doing the speaking.

PAMELA
Ha, ha, ha, very funny. He’s a very nice guy and just because your relationships never last doesn’t mean you have to make fun of our relationship.

JULIE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I just --

(She is Interrupted by Alex barging through the
door without knocking.)

ALEX
(In a panicking, scared voice)
Did you guys hear about the shooting?

PAMELA
What shooting? Where?

ALEX
There was as shooting at Virginia Tech.

PAMELA
(Worried)
Oh no.
What about Kevin?


ALEX
I’m sure that Kevin is all right.

PAMELA
(Still worried)
Kevin is my brother. I need to know if he’s safe or not. I’m going to call him right now.

(Pamela rushes to the phone on the kitchen cabinet)

JULIE
(To Alex)
When did this happen?

ALEX
About 40 minutes ago. I came here as fast as I could but I got stuck in traffic. I heard the news on the radio and I was going to call but I forgot my cell phone in my apartment.

PAMELA
Pick up! Pick up please! Kevin answer the stupid phone! He’s not answering his phone. That means he could be. . .
(Choking back tears)
DEAD!

JULIE
No that doesn’t mean he’s dead. Don’t even think that. He’s probably with his friends.

ALEX
Try your parents, maybe they know something.

PAMELA
(Tears streaming down her face)
They’re not home. They went on vacation for two weeks and they don’t get back till tomorrow.

ALEX
(Getting nervous)
Well there has to be at least someone you could call.

(The alarm for the cookies go off)

JULIE
(Trying to lighten the mood)
The cookies are done. Let’s all relax and have some milk and cookies.

PAMELA
(Exasperated)
How can I relax when my brother could be dead because some lunatic shot him?

ALEX
There has to be someone you can call. How about your Grandparents?
(Pamela shakes her head no)
No, ok how about an Aunt or uncle.
(Again Pamela shakes her head no)
There has to be someone.

PAMELA
(Yelling)
Don’t you get it. There is no one to call. My parents are the only people I know that live in Virginia except Kevin and they aren’t even there. They’re probably on their way back from Disney World. They would be the only ones to know if Kevin is safe but they’re gone and I can’t get a hold of them until tomorrow.

JULIE
Maybe you should try Kevin one more time.

(She goes and gets the cookies and milk. The milk is located
 in the fridge. She brings them back and sets them on the
 coffee table)

PAMELA
He’s not there. He’s dead.

ALEX
Knock it off.

PAMELA
He’s dead.

ALEX
Don’t say that.

PAMELA
He’s dead!

ALEX
You don’t know that.

PAMELA
He’s dead!! He’s dead!! He’s dead!!

ALEX
Just shut up! Your going to sit down here and not think about it. We are going to wait and call your parents tomorrow. I’m sure Kevin is fine. Like Julie said, he’s probably with his friends and there is nothing to worry about. So just sit down and eat some cookies and wait till tomorrow. There’s nothing that you can do but pray. So for now you are going to put this out of your mind and relax. I don’t want to hear another word about it do you hear me. We will figure out what to do tomorrow. So until then there’s not going to be another sound about Kevin.

(Pamela, Alex and Julie sit on the sofa and they start
eating cookies and milk.)

JULIE
These are good cookies you need to give me the recipe.

PAMELA
Thanks, there not that hard to make, you just need chocolate chips, peanut butter, oatmeal, sugar, oil, and a couple other ingredients.

JULIE
Well what ever you did they’re good.

ALEX
I better be going. I will come back tomorrow. I have some homework that I need to get done. Now don’t worry I’m sure that Kevin is fine and there is nothing to worry about.

PAMELA
Well be safe dear. I love you and have a good night. See you in the morning.

(Pamela and Alex kiss. Blackout.)

WHAT IF?

   The next couple of days I am doing some very special posts. Adam wanted to be a lawyer, but he was also an amateur poet and, as a Thespian, something of a playwright. He wrote this one act play  about the effects of the Virginia Tech massacre, and I have decided to publish it here, for the first time, on the anniversaries of the dates the play takes place.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 11, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
SFX: *pshhhhhh*
*tease tease*
*tease*
Marvin: *glargle glargle glargle*
*ptyoo!*
SFX: *shkshkshk*
Marvin: ...
*sigh*

Mein Fridge

   Compare, prose to poetry. Poetry is about the look and shape and feel and meaning of the words, the words achieving their highest potential through every aspect of them being used. The way this is achieved, the difference between poetry and prose? Metrical structure. Basically, poetry comes in lines and prose doesn't. And that's it. That is the only difference. I'm using this to illustrate, which I wrote in High School for no real reason. As I could find no other use for it, I feel it could at least be useful here.

   It is boxy, made out of plastic on the outside and a metal frame interior of the walls. It is about 5 1/2'' tall, I'd say 3'' wide. There is a freezer on top of it attached. Inside there is food, tortillas and leftover stuff and bologna. There is milk.

   Compare to:

It is boxy,
made out of plastic on the outside
and a metal frame interior of the walls.

It is about 5 1/2'' tall, I'd say
3'' wide.
There is a freezer on top of it attached.

Inside there is food, tortillas
and leftover stuff
and bologna.

There is milk.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, April 4, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Marvin: ZZZZ
ZZZZ
um...
Marivn: ZZZ
Rise and Shine!
Marvin: ZZZ
Good Morning, Sleeping Beauty!
Marvin: ZZZ
WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY!!!
...
Marvin: What!?
You look like an Animé...
Marvin: I get bedhead, alright?

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 28, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
Fit the third about your petition.
A petition to a guy means nothing if it's only signed by fictional characters of his own creation!
Whaddaya think about that!? 
Marvin: Zzzz
Aww, Epic Fail!
Marvin: *
Snork?
Sorry about that... I'm just so tired is all.
Oh... Sorry. You know, I could leave you alone, if you want.
Marvin: Thanksss...zzz.

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 21, 2010

Click to embiggen.

Transcript:
Fit the second about your little "Unkill Collin" petition.
A guy can't just go around unkilling people, no matter how fictional they are!
It completely breaks cred, if I break the already carefully-defined rules of my own universe.
Any reader would be perfectly justified in carefully avoiding anything I write in the future.
It's just not right!
Marvin: Even if you break the fourth wall like that?
Kind of admits that it is fiction, throwing all normal rules out the window!
...Not really.
Marvin: Why not?
Because I say so.
Marvin: Drat. 

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 14, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
PETITION
Dear Eric,
Please bring Collin back.
Signed,
Marvin Thumper
D.P. Goblin PhD flower
Bambi ☥
faline
(the editor) Doug
Oh look Marvin how cute!
It's a petition to unkill Collin.
Well, I'm your puppetmaster, and I say nix on that.
You see, when you're a creator, you can do anything you want to your fictional dudes. This entire petition thing you're putting together was my idea! You have no free will.
My idea! Mine! (Weell, actually my subconciousness's [sic] idea, because it came to me in a dream, but... 
Marvin: hmm...
Also, Marvin, you can stop that "hmm"ing thing
I know you're planning to overthrow me.
Marvin: Drat.

Ur-Characters

   So how are crossovers possible when sometimes the rules of one television show's universe completely contradict the rules of another? I think it's the way that real-life people can show up in fictional universes, such as with presidents.

   Presidents do fictional things all the time, and I'm not talking politics. I mean, President Bush can meet George Lopez when clearly he's done no such thing in real life in the way it was depicted. There must be some kind of class of ur-character, or, uber-character, that by himself in real in his own universe but also has fictional versions. Tommy Westphall could be dreaming about someone who already exists, for example. Probably the easiest explanation, and the one that makes the most sense. I think that was a point brought up in the thing I showed you.

   For those unsatisfied with the way the Mission: Impossible film treated Jim Phelps, think of it as: the events of the show were canonical to the film, but the events of the film were not necessarily canonical to the show (where does the 1988 Mission come into all of this? It's kind of a remake, and kind of a sequel- I guess this attitude serves to make that much less confusing as well.)

Discrepancies

   How to explain away the discrepancies between connected television? It is a conundrum. I've got a few ideas:

1.    The presence of Morley brand cigarettes doesn't automatically imply that the show takes place in the X-Files universe. It just means both shows used the same prop company. Alright?
2. Alternate explanation: a lot of people on television are confused on what is or isn't real life. Which makes sense, because they're on television. If I were fictional, I'd be confused on what is or isn't fictional too. 
3. Barring that, they're just confused because they're figments of Tommy Westphall's imagination.
4. No, wait.
5. Oh, never mind.
6. Oh oh oh! I think I've got something.

Awesome Crossovers: Still Awesome After All These Years

   Crossovers happen alls the times, which has the side effect of maybe creating the existentially confusing Tommy Westphall universe, but has the upside of being awesome. Some of my all-time favorite crossovers:

1. T-Bag from Prison Break showing up in Breakout Kings. Unannounced, unexpected. Awesome.
2. The Millennium finale took place in X-Files. (When they did do the same thing for the finale for the Lone Gunmen it's not the same thing, as the Lone Gunmen was itself a spinoff from the X-Files.)
3. Speaking of X Files, that (non-canon) time they crossed over into the Simpsons.
4. You know who else crossed over into the Simpsons? Jack Bauer.
5. Cinnamon Carter from Mission: Impossible showing up in Diagnosis: Murder (makes sense, considering the similar titles), which is itself a spinoff of Jake and the Fatman and from here it gets into all kinds of nasty Tommy stuff so this is why I'm only selecting my favorite crossovers. 
6. There was one other one, but I forget. Oh, yeah: the Hawaii 5-0 remake apparently takes place in the same universe as JAG, due to the NCIS: LA crossover event. I think this makes both Hawaii 5-0s exist in the same universe, because maybe I'm just making this up but wasn't there like a Hawaii 5-0 / Dragnet thing?

   And this is why we don't play with matches.

Spiders

Thespis Strip Dated Sunday, March 7, 2010

Click to embiggen.

TRANSCRIPT:
You have no power over me.
On the contrary, I, as your creator, have power over you.
I can control you, make you do anything at my slightest whim!
I have the power to make you laugh, cry, hurt, fall in love...
...or die.
Offstage Voice: I might resent that!
Yes, you might, Bambi...
Ah, Bambi! I remember that strip. November 8th, 2009. I remember it well.
A twist ending that completely threw the reader off-guard.
I am so brilliant.
I mean it. I don't even know how I come up with this stuff sometimes.
Marvin: hmm... 

NOTES:
   Man that's creepy. I am a creepy creepy dude. I'm Ooky Spooky. But, heh, a random offstage voice shouting "I might resent that!" out of nowhere: comedy gold.