Anxiousness

Always trying to find some cause or blame for my growing anxiety, which itself is the cause/blame of my slipping grades. Grades going down leading to anxiety, sure I guess I can see that snowballing off of itself, and progress in school leading to more difficult coursework leading to higher stress, that might also account for some. But it never felt like that. It felt like a lifestyle thing, unrelated to school. Using a pressure valve allows/creates excuse for continued use of that valve, leading to greater and greater procrastination, perhaps? But the procrastination doesn't cause my anxiety.

Looking back in the revision history of a Google Doc of a stageplay I'm working on (Google Docs saves all changes you make, and allows you to look back through all revisions and even restore them) I can find mention of a character's "panic attacks" going back to first being written in on February 10th 2016, during my first semester here, quite a ways back. (The character is based on me, of course, or at least the version of me present in the original dream that inspired the premise of the play.) So they've been with me for at least that long, the anxiety attacks, but haven't/hadn't been that big a problem, judging by my 3.75ish GPA back then...

You still have the panic attacks? one character asks, and on a revision dated 3 March, I write in a reply, (which had been the intended one from the beginning if memory serves me correctly, but not put in until 22 days later for whatever reason): They come and go. And only when I'm paying attention. 

This response is nonfiction. That's how my anxiety attacks worked for me. If I paid attention, I'd be able to get anxious, and kick into fight-or-flight. If I zoned out, it couldn't/didn't happen. It was all fairly mild stuff, and it went away for a bit after that; I'm not sure when it came back. Or why. Or hadn't at least, but maybe that's still true...

I was reading an interview between Tony Attwood and Temple Grandin yesterday, and something that Temple says stops me cold:

Another really bad thing, especially in the high-functioning end of the spectrum, is that as the people get older, they get more and more anxious. Even if they take Prozac or something else, they're so anxious, they have a hard time functioning.

So maybe there isn't an environmental cause after all. Nothing Freudian, it's seriously just part of my brain chemistry for whatever reason. I'm not sure if there's any research out there on the cause of this increased anxiety, but I don't think it really matters either. The important thing is this: it's not in my mind, it's in my brain, and it wouldn't be inappropriate at all to seek medical attention for the issue.

Though of course if the anxiety really does get worse and worse and worse like Grandin's suggesting...

Audience Reaction Thing That I'd Meant to Have Earlier Somewhere

There was cheering in the theater, when the Marvel Studios logo began playing. Sony logos, Columbia, we're used to seeing that at the beginning of Spider-Man films, but after the opening scene of villain introduction... the familiar comic-book page flipping started, and people just lost it. 

And, instead of the normal epic fanfare theme, Michael Giacchino orchestrations, of the original 1960s Spider-Man theme...!

Contact with the Enemy

Even having a plan for what to do to get my schoolwork done, I was paralyzed for a bit there, so maybe it wasn't as simple as just having a checklist, like I suggested yesterday. Giving myself plenty of space to work, meaning cutting down exactly how many accomplishments I expected of myself, allowed me to work smoothly and panic-free. I'm done with I think half of the prints I need done for my final portfolio on Thursday.

Finals: Attack Pattern

Um so okay like there's one week left in the semester basically and so I don't know I guess I'm not going to panic because at least I have my work cut out for me, but, for sure I've got my work cut out for me. I should have spent today doing homework or something, but the opposite of homework, whatever that is, happened instead. And nothing but. I mean I did spend a little bit of time writing down most of the stuff that I need to have done so that's good, but even then I don't think I caught all of it. 

• I'm basically done in Information Design since the R&CW thing yesterday, though there is the final module to assemble however that's going to be; whatever, we can put that out of mind for now
• Interaction Design I'm a couple of modules behind in, though the professor is very understanding and the important thing is that I get those in at all- and the deadline for this is the furthest away, it being an online class and thus extending all the way until the technical end of the semester- so, keep that on the backburner, important to catch up but not as much a priority to complete as:
• Monotype/Monoprint, I have a list of all the different print techniques that are supposed to be exhibited in my portfolio, and tbh I can't even remember what some of them mean; I'd been putting getting any solid work done in that class off until after the R&CW stuff was finished, but now that's over, and oops I've only got till Thursday to do all of those.
• Figure Drawing there's a portfolio we're supposed to have there as well, which is just of work we've already completed over the semester at least, so technically all that work's already done... but I'm not sure what the portfolio's even supposed to be comprised of (I think I wrote it down somewhere...?)
• New Testament class, I've got no idea if there is a final or anything; I haven't attended that class all week, between INDEPENDENCE DAY and hammering out the last of the R&CW designs. Is there a paper or something we need to write? Some final project we should be doing? Looking through upcoming assignments due, it just looks like a participation self-assessment, so, no...?

See? Having everything down in a list automatically suggests the best plan of attack and everything; instead of getting ATTACKED BY ANTS (though like I said this to-do list is basically the only thing I got done today) I can get in there and get things done. There are workarounds, but medication can also work in conjunction with lifestyle, so maybe it's still an option... an option I haven't had time to explore yet; it's finals week and I didn't even realize it till just a few minutes ago when I started this post...

Maybe Soda and Popcorn Next Week?

Well I and everyone else in the audience loved it and thought it was hilarious- I mean, it's a way funny movie, which isn't really something you see that much of in the trailers now that I've seen them- but right now I'm at the kind of exact weird distance from it where the whole ordeal seems terribly trippy. Is it something about Marvel movies lately, that they're like that? Because Guardians vol 2 was wicked trippy. I'm not presently sure if Homecoming is like that, or if it's just my feelings about it right now. 

I'm also not sure when the next time is that I want to catch it- maybe if tickets were free and I weren't swamped with the homework I couldn't do due to other homework being more important, I'd catch it tomorrow. Maybe I would have caught it again this evening if it had turned out I'd actually packed any payment methods on me. I don't know.

Yeah so my payment not being on me, speaking of that, I mean I'd already purchased my ticket so that was fine, but I wasn't able to buy concessions like I'd planned on doing- and so my sugar day, although it was fine and there were a lot of sugars I could eat today like seriously there were doughnuts brought in to monotype/monoprint, and I had cookies left over from the awards ceremony's refreshments last night, and man there's just a lot going on lately that I haven't been able to tell you, due to the Spider-Man buildup.

Like how much homework I've been having, which I mentioned. The final for Information Design is basically to have this project in the R&CW Conference, research and creative works... which was from 4:30-6:30 today, ending just in time for me to clean up my presentation afterwards and rush to the cinema. That's over, obviously, and I had time afterwards to watch a movie obviously and not have to worry about impending deadlines or homework for a while, but see, there was this whole thing and I'm only now telling you about it.

I Spin My Wheels Wildly Speculating About Spider-Man, and Have a Blast Doing So

Deadpool's Daily keeps me coming back every morning to play Marvel Puzzle Quest. I completed the gauntlet this morning, but double-checking today it turns out there's an update available, the unskippable kind (sometimes it allows you to put off updating your MPQ version until your next login, but not this time.) Doubtless it's Spider-Man: Homecoming related, so I didn't tap the link to the app store- but come (26 hours as I write this, 19 hours from the time this post goes up) it won't matter anymore. I'll be able to get my Deadpool's Daily in tomorrow, just before going to sleep instead of after waking up.

By next post, I'll have seen Spider-Man! Exciting!

People have probably speculated on plot details and stuff, before the trailers and everything started coming out, but then the trailers came out and probably a lot of the questions went away. Me, I've never seen a trailer (for this movie,) so I've still got lots of questions. And a lot of speculation.

It's in New York. What else is in New York? Squirrel Girl. Iron Man's in this movie; Squirrel Girl was introduced in an Iron Man comic. Fighting Doctor Doom. Could Doom be the bad guy here? Or is Fox actually holding onto the possibility that they'll be able to do anything interesting with the FF and related properties? Why haven't any of them fought any Skrulls yet? IDK.

(The movie rights to Skrulls are owned by both Fox and Marvel Studios. In the MCU, Skrulls go by their Ultimates name, the Chitauri. In the Fantastic Four films... I don't know, there may have been a vague allusion to them at one point? Come on, guys, just go with that!)

Probably not, anyway.

What else else is in New York? The Defenders. The actors' contracts specify that they're required to appear in any films if called on. Expecting at least a cameo/allusion to them, if nothing else. It's high time that the TV shows get mentioned in the films more. At least a little bit. Please?

What else else else is in New York? Last time Hulk was in New York, he broke Harlem. We saw the Leader's origin as a potential sequel hook, but nothing came of it... so far. Spider-Man facing down a Hulk villain? Probably not, either.

I maintain how awesome it would be if it were Kraven.

Um what else what else what else.

There was a Spider-Man reference in Ant-Man. In Civil War, Spider-Man's origin was IIRC stated to be "a few months ago," whatever that means. When does Homecoming take place? During the school year, presumably, so it's not going to be a 1:1 "present day" scenario, it being a summer release. Maybe it takes place later on this year, but I think most likely it's going to begin sometime not long after Civil War. Guardians vol 2 takes place just a few months after the first film after all. (Although it would be cool to begin in medias res with Spider-Man and Iron Man as a team, and having been that way for a while.)

I said I think it's going to begin right after Civil War... not take place right after Civil War. Because how gnarly would it be for this movie to take place over the entire school year? Way gnarly.

Whatever, I'm fatigued. It's Christmas been coming for 13 months now, and I'm pooping out 19 hours before it finally arrives. Figures.

Obligatory, and Not Much Else

We've gotten to the point where I can count down the hours instead of days. And I am. Fewer than 48, now, at least. Originally I was going to do this post on something not-Spider-Man, but I've been doing this school project too much to write up something as big as what I had in mind. So...

(really the reason I want to do this post on Spider-Man is because I'm going back currently and crunching my hype buildup for this movie before it comes out versus the same for Zootopia, and I feel that Spider-Man could use another heavy hitter in the corner. but nothing comes to mind that's more appropriate here than it is for tomorrow's post, so I don't know I'm kind of at a loss.)

Homecoming: Tickets and Showtimes

Finally got my paws on a Spider-Man: Homecoming ticket! Usually Thursday previews there's only one showing, 7:30, but for this one I was offered three showtimes! Which means that there's a lot of interest in the film already; I'm glad I got my ticket ASAP, because even with the expanded view offerings the precious seat space is being gobbled up quick. Looking at the seat selection, the screen of seats that had been taken or were still available, so that I could select my own seat, like it was nuts it's just Monday and the tickets have only been available for a handful of hours but like a third to a full half of the seats were already reserved.

!, right?

I said there were three showtimes, and I of course went for the earliest possible one, but maybe the showtimes themselves are a spoiler, because they were 7:00, something like 8:30, and 9:00- two screens, at least, for sure; but if the third screen is indeed the same as the first screen, that means that the movie's 2 hours long or less. It doesn't tell you anything about the plot, of course, but it would give you an idea about how long would be left in the movie, at any given part...

It's so tempting to just give in right now and look stuff up, but I've made it this far...

Med???

People procrastinate all the time. Especially art students. But for me, I guess I've been feeling lately that it goes beyond that. Even when I want to start, and have no reason not to, with all my materials assembled and in a conductive environment with minimal distractions, I just can't. Because, thinking about the task ahead of me, I freeze up.

I get anxiety even thinking about projects, so I procrastinate (which makes it worse for me when it comes time to do them because the time's just that much further along and there's still the exact same amount of work left to do.) I say I "get anxiety," but let me try to make it clearer for you: even just thinking of what needs to be done, rather than figuring out a way to get on it in a conducive manner, my brain instead goes into fight/flight mode so hardcore that I can't function. Years of conditioning myself have made it so there's no exterior sign of my inward panic, but it's a cussin' party goin' on in there (though very seldom, a party of cussing.)

So I think I may need drugs. 

It was tough to admit that, which I did, to myself and others, last night in the computer lab trying to do homework but panicking instead; calmly explaining my issues out loud and hoping someone would be listening, which nobody did of course, because no one ever listens.

Only, there was someone listening this time after all. She, in response to my having no idea where to even begin in finding the proper medication or even the proper psychiatrist to find me the proper medication, directed me to the counseling center which this school apparently has, and yeah I knew that that exists I guess. But she said that the counseling center has a website that I can access?, and I can't find that from the university main page navigation.

I suppose I could just use the search bar...

Alright, found it. I really make things a lot harder for myself sometimes... more pride than laziness...

Our family doing the no-sugar challenge, with a grace period of 24 hours once a week, last week there was some frozen cookie dough in the freezer which I swept upon at the stroke of midnight Sunday. This week I'm having pop and popcorn with my Spider-Man on Thursday, and though the pop shall be diet I still consider it to be in the spirit of sweets; I refrain from eating sugar elsewhere in the week during weeks where I order popcorn and soda to go with my cinema ticket. 

It's the start of this new week, and boy were there a lot of temptations last week; like the BFA showcase had its open house and verily the only thing they were serving besides water was cookies... I was the only one who showed up to Art Night on Wednesday, and there were these wafery cookies there; I've still got them in the fridge because I had to take some, even if I can't eat any...

White Blazer Mystery

Shopping today, finally got those groceries. I managed to successfully avoid all Spider-Man: Homecoming tie-ins. The cereal aisle has some Despicable Me 3 cereal or whatever, and that's really the only tie-in stuff I can remember.

Marvel Puzzle Quest updated to a new version like a week ago, the way it does periodically. I made sure to run the app store by Ryan, who knows my plight, and he responded that it was the Guardians of the Galaxy on the app icon- so it was cool to update; there was no aesthetic switch from the previous theme (I mean, if there were that, and it were Spider-Man themed now, there might have been spoilers!, so I made sure to have Ryan be the one to look at the app store screen.) It doesn't look like they're switching to a Spider-Man theme just yet, which is good, but there is a new event coming up in 5 days- the event logo appears to be Homecoming themed, it's Spider-Man's eyes, a line drawing thereof in the style of the Spider-Signal in the Spider-Man: Homecoming logo, possibly taken from the logo itself. Reflected in the drawing's eyes are... figures; I didn't look closely because potential spoilers, so I don't know WHOSE figures.

It's July finally! Not long now, not long at all... especially now that I no longer have to go shopping and expose myself to any more Product, between now and Thursday evening.

I know what happened to my cell phone, which I had apparently misplaced again- but not like that, see I knew exactly where it was the whole time. It was in the pocket of my white blazer! And it was my blazer I'd misplaced. And, it's a funny thing, because, it never look misplaced? It'll make sense once I explain what happened:

With the cell phone in the blazer's pocket, I could easily look up the location, and find both the phone and the blazer, (including everything else in the blazer's pockets, like my keys and thumb drive and the piece of paper that has the info about the awards ceremony for the art competition I've entered into and everything.) Pinging the phone, I find it to be somewhere in the apartment. Ringing the phone... no sound. And it's not on silent, and it's still on, and it's got plenty of battery life.

There is a radius of error margin, on the approximate GPS location of the phone, so I check all three neighboring apartments just to be sure. It's not there. And pinging the phone again, there's a tight enough margin of error this time to be pretty sure, it's at the approximate location of, not just the apartment complex or the apartment, but specifically in my bedroom there. I check the closets and the pile of clean clothes and underneath the stack of printing papers. Nothing.

We live above the laundry room, which I've previously checked. Though it's hard to hear a ringing phone in there, when the machines are going at least, it's not impossible. Searching my room in vain, praying for guidance, it clicks.

Behind the laundry room is a storage room- a room directly underneath the bedroom. Ringing the phone, with the machines all paused and my ear pressed against the storage room door, I hear the ring. The door's locked, but I know where my stuff is, and I know what happened:

The lounge has tightened its rules on leaving things lying about, and now takes things away after they've been there a period of 24 hours. I'm the one probably most affected by this move; in fact I'm pretty sure it's aimed at me. I tend to leave my stuff in the lounge. I believe I've mentioned this before, but I'm looking back through everywhere I've mentioned using the lounge, and I don't explicitly state it from what I can see, but yes: I tend to leave my stuff in the lounge.

Coming home late Thursday night, after leaving late from the Spori basement after compiling the latest vlog, I went into the lounge to watch a Bollywood movie, checked out from the library, due that day (or the day before, of course, since it was past midnight by the time the film started.) I figured I could watch the whole thing and check it back into the library before it opened in the morning, and thus avoid late fees. It... it didn't work, of course. This particular film, Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India (starring Aamir Khan, my absolute favorite!), is 3 hours 45 minutes, super long even for a Bollywood film. After nodding off for the third or fourth time, I just stopped the film and trod over to the library barefoot and jacketless, at 2:45ish in the morning. (I was offered a ride once, even, which I declined.) I turned in the DVD, and after that went to bed.

When I woke up, around 10:00 in the morning after the long night before, and looked around for my blazer, I couldn't find it. And it wasn't in either of the lounges, of our apartment or the neighboring one, which were the two locations I'd been in it the night before (which I'd checked at first to see if I could watch the DVD in their player, since the Indian DVD says PAL 1 which means all areas, but it doesn't seem to want to work in the Blu-Ray player our lounge has, and so I'd have to use an X Box which I didn't want to do, and it's all very technical but long story short I did wind up having to use the X Box because the neighbor's DVD player didn't have any cords for some reason.) I even checked the basement lab where I'd been, even though I very distinctly was wearing my blazer as I left there.

What must have happened is, they found the blazer in the morning, from where I'd left it in watching Lagaan; found it before I made it down to the lounge to check, and for some reason assumed it had been there 24 hours already since it was there in the morning just lying there, instead of having been there just a few hours like what actually happened?

And now my blazer, and my phone and all that, is behind a door in the laundry room. A locked door, in case you hadn't figured it out yourself.

So. It'd be best not to disturb the managers outside of office hours, and the office won't open again till Monday. At least I'd been planning on hitting them Monday anyway, with the contracts for the next two semesters' stay...

A Short Allegory About Octopodes

I was thinking about how terrifyingly smart octopuses are, like seriously I'm pretty sure they're sapient (and I for one am no longer eating octopus because that'd kind of be like eating a rubbery person,) and I was thinking about how the female octopus yet starves herself to death protecting her eggs while they're incubating, and how thus the mothering instinct is stronger than the survival instinct sometimes, even in intelligent species.

And I was coming back from Albertsons comparison shopping that versus Broulims (Broulims wins in every category, this time, but Albertsons has better prices frequently enough that it's worth checking, especially as long as I'm in the neighborhood at Fat Cats (checking if Spider-Man tickets are available for preorder (which they're not yet, because you have to purchase for a specific showing when you're buying tickets, and they won't have that figured out until Monday,))) shopping with a grocery list of nothing but healthy items (fruits, vegetables, and certain Post breakfast cereals (Grape Nuts and Shredded Wheat are the only breakfast cereals of which I know that have no added sugars)) and, on this trip from the selecting of the best prices on the healthiest foods, I stopped by a food truck, to get something overpriced and greasy. I guess supporting local business is my metaphorical maternal instinct, which trumps even my idiomatic instinct of survival.

I'm an Opossum; I Have a Different Kind of Teeth From You! (PretzelsVlog...

It kind of got me a warning, because I was technically trespassing hanging in the Spori basement lab after 11:30 while it finished compiling the last few minutes, but they don't start fining you till your second citation, so... worth it?

Pop Goeth the Firecracker

You know heading into town to the cinema to see if I could purchase Spider-Man tickets yet yesterday, there was the sound of a firecracker and I've mentioned this before, how I'm so unused to firecrackers being legal that my brain automatically goes into "somebody's shooting a gun" mode, and when that happens in town then you know that you're in trouble, and so may I just say that ducking and weaving serpentine is just such great exercise.

It turns out though that it's almost Independence Day!, and so I guess it's a time where people would have firecrackers. No school on Tuesday. It takes me by surprise because I'm more looking forward to next Friday than next Tuesday. 

October 5th, the My Little Pony movie, though. If I get really hyped for that then I won't have to focus as much on an event 9 days away now... or 8 for Thursday preview... or 7 considering how it's after midnight in this timezone.

10 Days Till You-Know-What

Tickets for Homecoming become available Thursday. I asked. They'd said at first that they're available online now, but then they double-checked and that turned out to be wrong, so I'm not sure if the Thursday thing means they become available on location, or just online. Going anywhere online you know there's going to be ads and thus spoilers for it, so I'd much rather prefer purchasing my ticket on location where there's nonesuch of that.

Part of my dream Sunday was about Spider-Man, but thinking on it I think it's a dream I've had before. I can't remember details anyway, but I've got the rest of the dream written down so here goes:

airplane. in a web. way above the willow tree. is he saving it? did he put it there? did he web it to save it? I think he slingshots it. That's about it.

Grandin

Like half the (many) books on autism at the library being written or cowritten by Temple Grandin, Temple Grandin, the 2010 HBO biopic, has been one of two movies I've really been meaning to see again lately. (I'll name the other one here if I can remember it...)

EDIT: By the way I did get a chance to see it again; I just didn't have the time to report on it because I spent so much time trying to remember the name of the other movie (Sneakers? Jumanji? Pretty in Pink?) that I had to shoot the post off early lest it be late. 

There was Star Wars, the original one, playing on a television at the university bookstore once, a couple months back, and the characters were just sitting in the Millennium Falcon talking, I think the scene where it's all "do you think a guy like me could have a chance" with Leia, but the details don't really matter- it was just this simple scene, and even out of context, you could tell just from watching a few seconds that you were looking at something special, just from those few seconds that the entire thing is radiant and that you're in capable storytelling hands. 

And that's how Temple Grandin is. It's a masterpiece.

Pretty fun, also, from reading her lately, and catching some of the quotes. "Nature is cruel, but we don't have to be," "different not less," that kind of thing. Woo.

EDIT 2: Life of Pi, that's the one!

Why Homecoming Matters So Much

Do you mind if I give you just a taste of how excited I am for this incarnation of Spider-Man, coming to theaters in just under two weeks now? How important this is to me?

Peter Parker, since the incident, has occasional extreme sensory overload- senses dialed up to 11, as he himself puts it. The goggles on the costume Tony Stark designed for him dilate when things get too extreme, which filters out excess sensation and help Spider-Man focus, especially in combat. A justified, visual representation of Spider-Sense, and a justified representation of Spider-Sense in general, which plays out the natural consequences of how such a thing would work. That is the coolest greatest thing in the world.

Spider-Man is, from what I can see, the first MCU superhero to wear an actual costume- Cap wears a uniform, Iron Man wears armor, the Vision that's his skin, but Spidey's the first to wear tights. Everyone's got a gimmick, right? But it also makes sense considering where Parker's coming from in terms of physical sensation- dressing in a form-fitting onesie, he's getting a hug from all sides, which should, I don't know, soothe his senses, calm his overstimulation? Just a theory, but one which I think makes a lot of sense, and which is very precious to me.

I was browsing the YA section of the library, yesterday when I checked out all those books- I could not relate to the high school dramas even remotely. Not with teenagers. Especially not with millennial ones. But I see myself in Peter Parker, oh, so much. I didn't realize how important representation is until this. 

(I mean, he's a dumpster diver! You don't see that every day!)

It's nice to be able to connect to Calvin in Calvin and John in I am Not a Serial Killer and Michael in The Hollow City- and I mean, really nice, I cry during those books, freely- but seeing this kind of thing on film, on the big screen, on a big-budget summer spectacle release... it touches me in ways I can't articulate. Even if Peter Parker is technically probably neurotypical, or at least was up till the spider bite and is now who-the-heck-knows. 

Superheroes are something that everyone can connect with intrinsically- power, responsibility, it's something we can intuitively grasp as true and important. But seeing a superhero who represents you, in some way, beyond that, is... I thought that Wonder Woman was a pretty good okay enjoyable solid movie, but women I know were crying as they walked out of it, it touched them that deeply. Friggin' nobody isn't psyched for the Black Panther movie, but I can only imagine how special it must feel if you're actually black.

And that's, just, some of the excitement I feel for the Spider-Man movie. Let's hope it's a good one. Nobody better spoil anything, and I mean like, any of it.

Reading Learning

Checked out many books from the library today, mainly dealing with leveraging autistic skills as a boon in the workplace. (Also checked out some books about other mental disorders, bipolar, OCD, that kinduv thing.) Hoping to magically gain some executive functioning skills from what I learn, or something.* That'd help me do in school.

So reading through the symptoms which is how they always start out these books, I mean a lot of the symptoms sound like me but then a lot of them don't, and looking at the other disorders 'specially ADHD and stuff a lot of that sounds like me but a lot doesn't, though there is supposed to be a lot of comorbidity and of course no one patient fits all the symptoms so we'll give it a pass overall generally-- but one of the symptoms of autism is anxiety, which for sure I get and moreso when deadlines loom near, but the typical source of anxiety I found very interesting (and have my speech patterns been kind of Holden Caulfield-esque in this post, they feel very Holden to me.**) 

The anxiety stems from new situations. Now, I've never really needed the samieness that they say is a hallmark for autism, so I thought, but this new insight is making me think, yes, that's exactly it. Looking at it now it seems so obvious, yet I hadn't put it into words (like the fear of needing 6-2-1 reminders without previously connecting it to graven images) but as far as change goes, I do need things to stay the same, but in the realm of school assignments. It's the constantly getting new projects to work on, finishing up the old ones and moving on, that does it to me. I put doing the assignments off because they're unfamiliar; when I'm ready for them and when I'm comfortable with the rituals surrounding them we're already moved on to the next assignment, and so I'm constantly late and behind with my schoolwork. I have wanted/requested to see the next assignments several weeks in advance; this model really explains why that'd be so good for me.

That's what I'm thinking right now, at least. Maybe there'll be more insights further into these books.

Minor Post

Continuing saga of seeing if I can change my major to illustration or printmaking, or at least get a minor in illustration: I'm not sure there even is a minor in illustration? There is one, or a cluster or something, in 2-D art, which of course also encompasses printmaking, but I really don't know about like anything else... both of my intended paths to potentially switch to, I've taken one class in each already and received a C in both; this is the best of plans!

Each of my posts here for the past, over a week, here, have been pretty big major things, from it being the ten-year anniversary of a major meme to announcing the plans to change my major somehow in the first place to realizing I'm maybe allergic to dogs now to the announcement of a family tragedy and my plans on helping out in the aftermath of that to the best of my place and abilities. But today I don't really have anything like that. Guess Sweeps Week is over?

Thing About Needles

There was a girl coming out of the adjacent apartment complex with a wolf tail sticking off of her bag; looks like that guy who had a tailed bag isn't the only one with one of those, which means that the second one that day may even have been a different guy. (Maybe this bag tail was, probably, the same tail sticking from under the overcoat.) I asked her what's with that, and she said she likes wolves.

And I've got a thing about needles myself. 

(I didn't actually say out loud, but I said to myself.) 

Needles. Guess I've got the hangup over, graven images being one of the Big Ten, that don't sit right with me. It was brought up in one of the classes at church on Sunday, for some reason, maybe it was just mentioned and I took away the epiphany of what my problem's been with the furry fandom, kind of prodded toward in Vulnerability with the 6-2-1 stuff but never actually articulated in such a manner: making "graven images." Worshipping them over God and all, that's the thing we're commanded not to do. 

Till now I've had Romans 1:22-23, Professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, And changed the glory of the uncorruptible God into an image made like to corruptible man, and to birds, and fourfooted beasts, and creeping things. I'm not sure what any of that means, but it always felt like a good fit to describe furrydom.

It continues immediately, as well, Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen. Also perfect; there's a lot of gay stuff here. GAY STUFF!

(As long as we're discussing that, though, I've got another incredibly hot male actor to add to the list in "Vulnerability"; I've been watching a lot of Bollywood lately, so: Hrithik Roshan. That man is just, too perfect, for words...)

Doing a quick search for the phrases "Christian furry" and "graven images" reveals that I'm basically the only one who has any qualms about this issue, so...

New Testament class. A week ago. Meant to tell you then, but, you know. They saw the story of Zacchaeus, from Luke 19, as him repenting from being rich, giving away half his goods so hey! he's not rich no more, he's a good guy now instead of one of those evil evil rich people (this story comes the chapter after the one about the rich young ruler who went away weeping when he was told he'd need to sell everything he owned in order to get into heaven, leading Jesus to make his remark about camels and needles' eyes.) 

I've always seen the story of Zacchaeus as him continuing to be rich, but the riches meaning nothing to him in themselves; he's using them to glorify God. He continuously offers up half of his goods, recompensing the wrong fourfold and all, each time, is what I'd read into it- which makes his announcing that publicly sound a little boastful, which was always bothersome to me, so maybe they were on to something in saying that he was actually announcing a repentance?

Entrepreneurs see money as a tool rather than a goal, which is how they can get so rich, through investments and such. But the only thing they can think of doing with their money is make more money. Have I told you that I made it a goal a while ago to give 10-15% of my money to charity on top of the 10% I already pay for tithing, because I figured why wait until I'm rich? 

The highest tier at Furry Experience's Patreon page is to offer up $100 a month; most people pay just $1 a month, which to be fair does give you access to some pretty nice exclusive content, but not as much as higher tiers, and especially not the highest. Nobody had snatched up any of the highest tier yet...

Meanwhile there's a recent change in how the plasma center pays you, getting a steady bonus more each time you go in, starting out smaller but adding up larger and larger until it resets each month; the previous system gave a larger bonus for donating twice in a week, the bonus resetting each week. Rather clever of them: they have to pay those who come in infrequently less, ensuring steady patronage (or whatever the word would be) if people really want their money; for me, who already goes in twice a week anyway, it means something like $100 more each month... which I really don't need; I already have more than enough to pay for groceries and anything else that I'd want (not going in once a semester anymore to grab what Zootopia swag would remain at Hastings is certainly helping pocketbook-wise.)

I figured it would be hypocritical of me to offer selling t-shirts without also being a patron.


Yeah, I know. $100 a month is a lot of money. More than $1,000 a year, all told. Counterargument though: she's a widow. A WIDOW.

Since I've taken the screenshot it looks like someone's upgraded their FE tier; Ellen Natalie is now making $961 a month from 95 patrons.

Between my two Patreon beneficiaries (who don't count toward my charity quota) and my subscription to the Adobe Suite, that's $138 a month, just under 1/3rd of monthly plasma income. Subtract the other 1/5th from tithes and misc. offerings, that leaves about half of my discretionary accounts available for foodstuffs and sundry (actually, hold on, what's the Adobe Suite doing in the discretionary category anyway, it's totally covered by tuition.) Put rent on top of that, and that's... well my rent's all paid for the semester, but summer rent here's $250 for the whole shebang, and that's already been paid for.

We'll hash out the details of what my printing FE shirts would mean, once things have settled down over at Chez Natalie.