think i may be bipolar or maybe borderline? idk

and another thing

FILM! FILLLM! what's the guy's name! what's his contact info! Dad talking to my high school video production teacher about how good I was at producting videos! It's what I'm good at! It's what I enjoy doing! there are all these steps and I just want to edit right now, not have to shoot anything; I enjoy the different steps differently and I'm finding motivation lacking what-cha-cha. The filming part of the process is a problem because of this: I enjoy performing it. I also enjoy shooting it. But I can't be in front of the camera AND behind it at the same time!!

but feeling a lot of pressure lately for jobly job, everybody's trying to push a full time job at me docked an hour a week so getting away with calling it a part time job. I'm disenfranchised with the whole system right now but still want to work because I want to be able to provide for a family! and no other reason. and it's like yes let's bring in that bicycle clown (bike clown is a metaphor for JOB ON FILM SET SOMEHOW.)

totally sober rambler

think i may need medication! for anxiety maybe!? not sure for what just sounds like a good idea in general sometimes. but other times it doesn't so like ~~? when i'm feeling good it's like I'm good so whateves, and when I'm feeling bad it's like uuuurrgghhh too depressed to even bring the topic up with anybody SIMBA. It's not like there be a magical droog that gives me executive function skills. Right now I'm in the "don't need no drugs!" camp because obviously I'm feeling energized enough to talk about it. Medication is good in general yeet.

Angry Burbs v. Ernest&Celestine

There are two primary sapient species in the Angry Birds franchise (well, technically genus in the case of pigs and class in the case of birds, but, species)-- birds and pigs. Eagles are a faction of birds as becomes important THE ANGRY BIRDS MOVIE 2 IN THEATERS NOW, but phylogenetically there are two distinctly evolved taxa with distinctly different lifestyles and diets and habitats and... And the two factions, so opposed to each other, are pigs and birds.

???

Finland. Rovio is Finnish. You wouldn't expect it to explain that much, but it does.

But watching The Angry Birds Movie 2 (it's hilarious and, though not a perfect movie or anything, really difficult to dislike) the arbitrary which-taxa-are-the-sapient-ones thing reminds me of another beloved-European-property-turned-beloved-movie (seriously The Angry Birds Movie 2 has the highest Rotten Tomatoes score of any video game movie??) Ernest et Célestine, wherein Celestine is a mouse and Ernest is a bear, and there are mice and there are bears, those are the two families/genuses, and it doesn't make sense why these two taxa? until you remember that the books are Belgian and it's all, oh, oh of course.

Squishies!

This is the first time I've heard of this actually and??? 

https://screencrush.com/lost-star-wars-tv-show-detours/

But legit they're doing an animated Star Wars mini retelling series, as-told-by-emoji sort of thing, that stars the cast as BB-8s and, I say more power to 'em.

Artificial Winter vs Mad Times

A large thematic part of the idea was that it's sexier to be a police officer but it's more important to be a parent. An ounce of prevention versus a pound of cure, the ounce still weighs out better, and the good stuff happens preventing in the first place.

I guess I should be excited for living in such a scary time, when things have gone so bad and it it time to be a cop instead of a parent.
But that wasn't my dream. I was pointing out how much better it is to cut these things off before they start.

Now that they have started it feels like the Church could be doing more to stop it. Maybe it's ever only a parent, never a cop. The church is doing a lot of good preventing bad stuff from happening in the first place, on local levels invisibly.

Spent a lot of the evening doing fiddly bits of web design for the upcoming launch (!) of my webcomic (!!). Still not there yet but looking better? It's a sort of a turd polish, so it's nice to have a podcast on in the background. 

I don't consider myself much of a multitasker but it looks like this is something I can do. Even listening to music is

ehh whatever PUBLISH

Buhhh-Buuhhh-BEEEE!

Linked to us from Shannon Hale's twitter feed: Vice article about fanfiction, Neopets, representation, authorship, and Jane Austen.

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/j5ww84/how-a-young-adult-author-got-her-start-writing-pride-and-prejudice-fanfic-about-neopets

Generally unrelated though but also: the theme for Math Blaster (1999) for Ages 9-12! I used to be reticent to unironically enjoy this song but HECK IT it's been TWENTY YEARS and LIFE IS actually pretty long since twenty years is a long time but at the same time doesn't feel that way so I'm gonna go ahead and say TOO SHORT.

 

Premiere

Hobbs and Shaw is projected to be the biggest box office pull this weekend, but here is especially crazy since one of our own is in. It was absolutely wild. 81 people showed up.

Josh Mauga, local football hero turned pro and now actor, was in Kansas City but we FaceTimed. Tried to capture the FaceTime, but I guess it was more than just click and go. As I was getting people checked in and concession'd (conceded!) so I missed the whole thing, but maybe somebody recorded it with a camera?

POLITICIS VLOG

Oh! what a pretty thumbnail! I didn't think it was really working, even as I finished it up, but I had to hack something together so I carried on with uploading it. But now seeing it with fresh eyes, it really is quite fetching, isn't it?

Video has a few views? Get a lot of views (even, and esp., of not-the-latest-upload videos) around times of video release; must be THE ALGORITHM.

Vlog tomorrow I guess?

Kiki

So today is apparently the thirtieth anniversary of the release of Kiki's Delivery Service? That was my favorite Ghibli film growing up. Um... that's really all I have to say; maybe leave a comment on what your favorite Studio Ghibli film was as a kid. Also, I was reading this thing about, it was a comic now that I think about it maybe I could link it,

HA FOUND IT 

https://www.boredpanda.com/boys-like-girl-hero-damian-alexander/

about how girls are allowed to have boy heroes but we discourage boys from having heroes who are women, even girls who kick butt like Matilda, and like what's with that? So with Kiki being my favorite of all the Miyazaki heroes, I guess I was a pretty lit kid.

(...though hold on. MOST of Miyazaki's movies have female main characters. Which is good, but, shoot, I thought I was being retroactively woke for a sec there...)

So all in all: Miyazaki: amazing. Takahata: amazing. (Pom Poko is my favorite Ghibli movie as an adult.) Studio Ghibli in general: amazing. Just, like, yeah. Life is beautiful, kid.

New Video

I uploaded a terrible version a week ago but it was so awful that I made that video private and spent a whole extra week on editing and pickup shoots. It's now... about as good as it's going to get. This, this is basically the ideal version of this particular video. Is it good? Is it bad? I can't say myself, but maybe other eyeballs on this would be able to tell me. The thumbnail, at least, rocks. That's one thing that's about darn perfect.

Still Makin' Ends Meet

 Animation director of the show breaking down the steps taken in animating the highwayman segment:

Videos I'd Like Twice if I Could, 2/2

This is technically the third part of a three-part series but is totally watchable on its own, and indeed is a bold shift thematically from the previous two videos so just FORGET THOSE GUYS I GUESS, they're pretty good but not nearly as brilliant as this one (the first talks about the Secret of Monkey Island and the eventual death of the adventure game, the culprit ultimately being the stagnation of the genre; the second is a preview of a few intriguing new game mechanics in then-upcoming games that Ian was excited by the prospect of, with the chance to break that stagnation-- basically all of which do in retrospect go on to become Big Deals so good job calling it there.)

It's not just about adventure games but uses the subject as a jumping-off point for discussion of genre itself, providing a good framework for discussion when talking about that and basically all categorization (such as, spoilers, whether a hot dog is a sandwich or not.) Amazing stuff.

New Moon or Something?

As I held up the ladder for Dad this morning, helping him pick the apricots off of Uncle Jim's apricot tree, an airplane passed overhead and I turned my eyes heavenward. And there, in the northern sky, I saw it- at first I thought maybe a balloon or something, or a plastic shopping bag caught up in the breeze very very very high, but it didn't move, just stayed there a white dot stationary in the vast blue. A planet? A star? We paused and I went to get my camera; maybe EXTREME ZOOM LENS would shed more light or definition on the situation.

My zoom lens isn't all that zoomy though so this is the best I managed to get.

As time went on it drifted across the sky, downward and to the east, getting dimmer and smaller as it went. Here are three different snapshots of it, one taken not terribly long after initial discovery, one taken fourtyish minutes later as a marker for its celestial path, and the third one the last time I managed to find it in the sky, so small and dim and behind the trees from the initial marked vantage point. 

Can't be Venus because Venus is on the horizon in July in the northern hemisphere. I personally think/hope that it's a second, teensy weensy moon that just, like, appeared there today.

Videos from Yesterday I'dda Liked Twice If That Were an Option

Though I suppose I have more than one YouTube account so I can just like it on two separate accounts?? Oh dear oh dear oh dear...

(The videos didn't necessarily come our yesterday but I watched them yesterday and didn't have time to post about them then- and even now only have time to post about one today, guess it'll be a two-parter.)

BUT PART ONE ANYWAY

(I've shown you Peter Knetter before right I'm pretty sure??)

Parade Oxen

Absolutely do not get church. It always feels like I want to be joyous when it's time to be reverent and be reverent when it's time to be joyous. There's a Greek legend of when Pan was visiting some dude's house on a chilly night, and noticed how the guy blew out hot air to warm his hands but blew out cold air to cool his soup, and Pan's all well which is it? and the guy's all excuse me? and like Pan straight up murders the dude for inconsistency of mouth temperature.

and That's how I feel, like, all the time. Not the killing per se, that's just Greek gods being strange and capricious, but the ???s over my head, cos to Pan the mortal was the capricious one. It's like, wild, man.

Lukewarm Takes

You can probably never know if a hot take is going to be original or not and maybe what matters is the fact that you're the one giving it? And people only mind if the hot take is particularly uninformed maybe, or if it's on David Bowie being dead.

I just had like a grillion hot takes on the tip of my fingers but can't remember a single one. Stranger Things 3 is out? Does that count as a hot take? 

An Ointment Fact

okay so there was a fact about ointment which I'd meant to bring up a week ago but I'd forgotten the precise details of till now so I didn't: but Christ is from the greek, meaning anointed, yeah? That means that the word "Christ" and the word "Cream" are cognates.

things are supposed to get better but what's getting better is me being able to tell what makes a good day good which means that I can tell now that things won't necessarily always get better but it's still largely in my hands

Frederick Douglass

https://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/what-to-the-slave-is-the-fourth-of-july/

"I am Full of Ordinary Sounding Words" - A Robot. Literally.

So the thing about auto generated/artificial-intelligence written stories is that I kind of love them, but they terrify me artistically/existentially? All of my best ideas come from dreams which are kind of the same thing but bio organically; a thing becomes art as a human decision to frame it as such.

Spider-Men

Into the Spider-Verse is unsurpassingly brilliant for a myriad of teeny details that have to be studied carefully and specifically in order to fully appreciate the depth and scope of their perfection. Rami's Spider-Man trilogy is astounding and fresh on a macro level, full of storytelling decisions that are simultaneously unexpected and breathtakingly satisfying, even coming on near one-two decades later. And for as much flack as the ASM films get, Marc Webb is one of the greatest directors not just currently working but possibly of all time in terms of the breadth and depth of his understanding of human psyche and human relationships. Venom is, well, Venom: love and beauty and life itself.

And so like I'm not entirely sure of myself when I say that Far From Home is possibly the greatest Spider-Man movie of all time? I can't really judge a film until I've seen it at least two times; there were a few weird elements which hardly seem real looking back, and I thought the first act was kinda funky the first time I watched it, but maybe it'll work itself out, knowing the end from the beginning. And a lot of the enjoyable bits seem themselves surreal, like it was so good it couldn't have been real. Comes with the territory I guess.

It's the first MCU film without a Stan Lee cameo; this and Dark Phoenix are the sort-of capstones for their respective franchises and I can't tell if that's fitting or not. The road goes on without him now, him and Ditko. But there is a sort of after-credits logo mini-tribute, not quite as extensive or thematic as Into the Spider-Verse's. But still there.

I guess in a lot of ways it's like the looming presence of Tony Stark. You can feel it in everything. Or something.

I make ends meet

Scritchy and Atchy

So bugs nom'd me alive at Fleischmann last week; they ate me last year as well just about as bad but last year had Jim 2 as chirurgeon and the ointment he had there was magical. The ointments I've had this year are non-supernatural in origin and are working a lot more slowly. I no longer suspect that these bites may kill me.

My nose also briefly misbehaves at random but increasingly more intermittent times (meaning tis slowing down.) Possibly related.

Anyway I did tally the total bites at one point:

78 left arm

50 right

15 face

handful on my legs and back

man what do we owe to each other yet

So the post which would have been my last post were it not for my posting something yesterday as well (guess I'm getting back into the habit; couldn't post last week) wondering what we owe to each other, is...

it's a scam right it's so obvious to me that there's no bottom, just learning of the essential oils thing in church those some-odd years ago and seeing how untenable the distribution model is, but... I have a friend who's getting into an MLM and

(cryptocurrency got to look into the business model of that because from what I already understand of it there are some definite similarities)

I knew it's a bad idea but she hasn't / hadn't sunk that much money into it yet and she says that people fail at them because they're not moving the product hard enough and not recruiting hard enough and I say--and it's as close to a warning as I come, and to me it's a pretty strong warning but ???-- that everyone thinks that they're going to be the one to win the lottery though they know the odds are mathematically against any one person.

(An MLM is a pyramid scheme but technically not illegal; ML stands for multilevel which means pyramid, and M is for marketing which sure let's say it's close enough to "scheme" because that's how you recruit people, they lose money so that you can make money and they hope to regain that money by stealing from- sry recruiting- people under them.)

And it's like, how can I tell her more clearly to get out while she still can? I don't have a job or anything rn and maybe that's a good thing because I can't buy in myself and am unrecruitable.

Ant on a Hand

Ants. Ants getting back. Ants in the car, crawled into the cracks. Ant wonders on my hand; I let it walk and scoop it from hand to hand and each is new territory.

And the road stretched out before us, and we trusted that it led us home; we trusted it was the same road as before, continuing linearly, though really we wouldn't have known the difference.

What We Do Owe to Each Other

OK though has it really been 21 years since the CATS home video film was released??

Wow. 

Wow.

I just gotta... I just gotta think about this.

21 ye...ars...

Wow.

I forget what I was going to talk about. It's just... I'm just...

wow

So Far Hypothetical Artwork

So imagine I've done this painting of a cowboy cat with eggs, maybe juggling them. There'd be some sort of symbolism behind that, wouldn't there? You'd be right, and the symbolism would be this (it's slats easier to cone up with the impression for a piece than doing the piece itself):

The cowboy is Jim who's making westerns and pooping off ideas. The eggs are Pandora eggs, like the box but eggs. That could be symbolic in itself but it's an idea for Cap'n Patches I'm not using; though it's an intriguing idea in itself out doesn't fit the venue.

Boom art.

Movement Post as a Video: gotta dance (x3)

Somehow it always happens that, 

Movement

Watching my own performance in (a recorded performance of) Is There Life After High School?, I'm struck by how physical my performance is, in general especially compared to most of my fellow castmates. Possibly going to do a YouTube thing on it; we'll see. Somebody recorded me dancing as Cowabunga, maybe I'll, fiiind thaat??, aand alssoo have it as part of my video???, because heck that ties into my point here, and meanwhile today I was looking at Chris Evans's stunt stuff, this video, and heck maybe this would be a better observation as a video where I could just show the video instead of just awkwardly link to a tweet, but that choreographer is just on a whole other level, the fluidity of his movements and everything.

https://twitter.com/ChrisEvans/status/1129456332057251841

and also if i'm so physical how come i'm still flabby? or is this just why i'm not fatter, makes sense makes sense.

Pirate Cat Obsession

Just been wild these past few days with all sorts of sea magics and world building elements and off-the-wall action setpieces. It's what I've been dreaming in these past few days, and dreams have been good. Coming up with some nice stuff while conscious, but of course there's really not much of a comparison.

So electric eels aren't actually an eel, though they are an electric- they're knifefish, more closely related to catfish, and some catfist are electric... can we use that? Cat, fish? Mm...

Eureka!, Moar Piracy

Rejoice ! for the mystery has been (prolly) solved (I'm giving it a solid 97% accuracy.) Aiight remember way way back ago when I was searching for a mysterious Sea Dogs comic book about, like, dogs who be pirates? I'd read about it in Family Fun magazine but couldn't find any further information and was starting to doubt my sanity...

https://dielikeadisneyvillain.blogspot.com/2013/11/sea-dogs.html

Getting back into Cap'n Patches [!] again, I decided to dive into pirate cats and dogs again. There have been a few more such properties that have sprung up since then, but obviously I was still looking for something that came out well before 2013. Maybe I'll compile some of those again, like I did before, but still my quest continued. Search terms: sea dogs comic? salty dogs comic?

And I eventually figured it out somehow. So you see how the title of that post, you can see just by looking at the link that I'd been spelling sea dogs as two words? Apparently it was one word.

https://www.amazon.com/Seadogs-Ocean-Operetta-Lisa-Wheeler/dp/1416941037/

Seadogs: An Epic Ocean Operetta, written by Lisa Wheeler with art by Mark Siegel, was published by Atheneum books for young readers (an imprint of Simon & Schuster) in 2004. I'm not sure exactly which 2004 Family Fun magazine the book was featured in, but looking up 2004 Family Fun magazines for sale on the internet reveals that it's around the right time period, the graphic design and covers match what I remember from just about the right period of my childhood.

woo!

So Seadogs isn't really a comic- yes it is, I mean, but the conceit is there's this framing device that the whole thing is an operetta put on by (and for) dogs, and as such the story is told mostly silently with the text being the lyrics of the accompanying songs. It wasn't some epic, Akiko and the Planet Smoo-type deal like I was under the impression that it was, and so I can largely ignore it in terms of, dealing with what the dog-pirate genre already has to offer. Not that it's not wonderful and everything, and it's not like it's totally devoid of originality either: "the Terrier of the Sea!" oh how I wish I had thought of that!

But yeah as far as that goes that '97 (Captain) Claw computer game still has a lot of secrets to divulge... mercats, mmm...

What Was I Talking About Again?

Newester Vid

Newest Vid

https://youtu.be/zSzx0C5FzwI

Midnight Sneaks Up On You

Last night of Is There Life After High School? was tonight. I think we all did pretty well. It's been... it's given me life for the past few months I guess, and it's good that I've found framework to stand on my own outside of that project. No job, no paying job, but you can't judge yourself based on that.

articles on books on autism&stuff

So there was this book that won a pulitzer in 2016, and another that didn't (though maybe it was nominated IDK) and here's the author of NeuroTribes, the probably-better book that didn't win the pulitzer, talking about some things in the pulitzer book Autism in a Different Key, which came out after the NeuroTribes one so he was in a position to do that:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/20/463603652/was-dr-asperger-a-nazi-the-question-still-haunts-autism

Was Dr Asperger a Nazi? question question question.

Ari Ne'eman talking about both books but paying special attention to how Autism in a Different Key represents and misrepresents neurodiversity movement:

https://www.vox.com/2016/1/21/10801846/autism-in-a-different-key

I'mma prolly havta read both these books now, won't I...

Indie Rock Mystery!

So Guilt By Association is a series of albums where indie bands you've never heard of cover their favorite mainstream guilty pleasures; it is such a good time. There's this band on vol 2 that covers Billy Joel in such a delicious crunchy way, and I get into them and the opening track on their second album (and in a different form on their EP) is this infectious loop that's syncopated in a unique way that bugs me because it sounds like I've heard it before...

and so I think about it and it comes to me. I know how it ends.

And that's a story. like a true one i mean

SD Card Slot; I Meant SD Card Slot

But the USB slot either I guess. Graham gracker doesn't fit in there.

I think today was a good day to be good. Sometimes it feels like I'm a bad person and sometimes it feels like I'm bad at personing, but today was one of the good days. No guarantee of better days in the future, but steering things that way possibly idk.

Wheat Thin Does Not Fit in USB Slot

Hahaha, how wacky.

Blinking with Both Eyes

There's still that to get done; we've had no milk all day and everybody expects me to be the one to get it for some reason?? Well, that literally is my job. Or, uh, was; at this point I doubt I'll ever get that Walmart position back. There was an email a few days ago saying that I'd failed my assessment, even though I hadn't retaken it?, so it must have been on a their-side thing?, but whatever.

Still don't know where my debit card is or my new cell phone; if it were so easy to find at the cinema, if I'd actually lost it instead of it having been stolen or possibly really actually having been thrown away accidentally, or something, you'd figure they'd have found it by now. Everything happens for a reason I guess, but, well I've got nothing.

Spoilerts! A Sociotechnological History

As soon as it's finished loading, it will be loaded, and it will be online. This is going to be a popular one. I'm predicting at least two views.

https://youtu.be/y_VT9u6TRtc

Reasons. That's Reasonable.

I'm mad behind on my video. I severity underestimated the subject matter, and here we are a couple weeks later finally with a script that's totally daunting to read into a camera. Whatever.

Think I figured it out, other people bring out such awesome stuff in me because I'm uncomfortable, don't like dealing with people. Love people themselves, but being around anyone else gives me anxiety, puts me out of my comfort zone, where I can, blossom or whatever.

Okay I've Actually Seen Detective Pikachu Now

It actually has plot twists and, well it's an actual proper mystery story, which is nice. Every twist they have to kind of explain to the audience because there's little kids watching and they might not follow along so hot, instead of just letting things be, but that's fine I guess.

There was this light in this scene and it was a really good light. And in another scene there was this light which wasn't as good.

Super psyched for Godzilla at the end of the month.

On a scale of one to ten I give it an Arcanine. (oh my gosh i didn't intend for that to make sense but arcanine has the word "nine" in it so it sounds like i was making a pun i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i thought i was just being silly i didn't mean to i'm so sorrryyyy....)

Paper Aesthetic

Visual snippet from my dream last night: piece of paper, wrinkled, like it's been crumpled up and smoothed back out. On the table, flat, viewed from above. Golden lighting from above, highlighting the texture. Seated figure, unseen except for its shadow, in front of the paper with their own colored lighting from behind, falling onto the paper except for at the figure's head's shadow, which is red. Maybe stretching out its arm and writing onto the paper with a smooth pastellike pencil, leaving writing pure black on the page.

whaaaa???

Well I guess I'm going to have to go back to those people's houses and, update them?? I never tracked it down with the Christmas pageant people, so that's something I won't have to do the same for...

But, well okay let's go back through it: you know how I figured at the start that maybe the phone was lost at the, Smash Ultimate party, because it had just come out the day before so let's play it? Only I checked and double-checked the sofa where I'd sat, and it wasn't nestled in there anywhere, and so I figured, the weather report location was sent to this specific address so it must have been taken there somehow?

It turns out it really was in the sofa the whole time?? Even though we'd... checked it, just... just so many times... i mean i don't even...

At least now my new phone is dope. and this old one is, well it's got pinterest on it so I don't have to redownload it... so still pretty dope...

Though obviously it doesn't have service anymore. Wifi, but no data.

Found It In People

I'm also more creative around other people, of course. I'm not a naturally funny person, but I can see why people would think that, and heck maybe I am actually naturally funny. Ba-dum-tsshh.

I miss college though, like, a lot. Things move here only in jerks and starts.

Mother's Day???

It would have been five years ago I guess todayish that I had my last phone call home from my mission. Now there's five years' worth of difference, with these missionary kids being able to all call home every week and all. Idk. Just something that... well it's something.

I feel like I should say something more, but... I said the closing prayer in church today, that's something that happened.

Detective Pikachu Review!

Detective Pikachu was a pretty slow movie. As visually stunning as a 45 minute long, uninterrupted one-take shot in the Library of Alexandria is, navigating through twists and turns as the young Pokemon and his clones searched for the final effects to complete the ritual to summon an ancient Babylonian thunder god to open the portal to regain the powers of Pika lost at the beginning of the film, I'm afraid some of its more subtle symbolism may have been lost on a young audience. In fact, I'm not entirely sure myself the significance of the scene where all humans are skeletonized when they hear the Name of the LOST DIVINE. And the scene where ASH KWTCHUM turns to the audience with eyes of a color never seen before on Earth, opening his mouth to a sound of rushing leaves and proclaiming the ancient gnostic secrets, may have been a bit scary for children. YOU WILL SLEEP AND NEVER AWAKEN. AGUAI AGUAI RETSUN NASHULATH CHLUBUTHUL. THEY WHO ARE HIDDEN SHALL FEAST UPON THE SUBSTANCE. CHARIZARD CHARIZARD CHARIZARD CHARIZARD. CHLUBUTHUL NAGIRAGI HEMTHORATH.

M E E L T T T I F I N I I N I N I VVVVV.

The Bulbasaurs were pretty cute though.

Steam of Conscious from the Retirement Concert

This isn't what you're looking for, is it? I cried out, and cried, at How Can I Keep from Singing. Hot dog tomorrow... no hope of making it? Start out mean, but soften up toward others as we experience things together- see them as people. 

I stayed to the side, no part of this though adjacent to those who were. Maybe I wanted to be part of it, but in the end I was just proud to be amongst those who were.

Creativity Speeds

New thought that makes me feel a little better eh: I am actually creative, though I can't just come up with a silly two-minute "everyone's speaking Chinese to this kid, but at the end [ironic trombone noises] it turns out he doesn't even speak Chinese" idea like John can. I develop deep rather than wide; ideas fit easier into a character I've already developed than just making characters up on the spot.

When doing Persistence of Memory w/ K, they were able to crank out backstories on the ensemble cast like it was already all pre-imagined or something, while my backstories were slow in coming forth, developing drip by drip.

Halfway Through

I can't really say with much degree of truthood that today's been productive for me at all. In fact I regressed a lot of ways today. 

This week feels so long. It's only Wednesday, which is a lot further into the week than I'd thought we'd get. On Tuesday and even Monday I kept on thinking it must have been the end of the week, when it was only the beginning. I guess we're halfway through something at least. 

Is this what a threshold feels like? Feeling like I don't want the future to come, while at the same time the future's not coming quickly enough? And it's really destroying my present, because the only way I can enjoy it is unhealthily. I seriously ate, almost a whole thing of graham crackers and frosting, today. And barely got on any of the projects I should have been doing today. 

But I guess things are alright. I was somehow the lightest I've been in a couple of months this morning, which means that at least I won't get too fat off of that. And so on.

Couple o Yesterday Things

Dinner, Dad invited a new church member, a filmmaker invited so that he could talk to me about filmmaking. I might be doing stuff on set with him later. He’s got dope equipment though personally, so that’d be nice to get hands onto. Talks a lot, while I’m better at communicating through writing than speaking. Were I to become a film director how would I make my intent known? Just get used to speaking out loud? They say I’m a creative person, but John (the guy’s name) he’s just whizzing out new ideas, and, frankly like, that’s the way to do it. I feel so small compared to that. 

Then at rehearsal, they applauded my solo. We went through the entire first act, and I guess this was the first time most of them had heard it, but still. They all applauded me. None of them terribly shabby singers themselves, and… I don’t know. I guess I spend too much time alone, or… don’t know how to gauge my own strength, too used to myself and thus am not confident in what I’m comparatively good at. 

Application Gaslighting

Alright, you know how I said a couple of days ago that the application went away, or invisible, or however it's done? I'm no longer certain that that was the case that that even happened at all, because now the application is just as submitted as it ever was, with the assessment just as failed as it ever was. Maybe that application did disappear for a time, and the fact that it's back now is a mark of progress? Or maybe that, but instead it's a mark of, well that experiment didn't work. 

Just Starting

But "just" could mean so many different things. Only starting?: Start the task, and don't follow through? Simply starting?: Only it really isn't so simple, because "start" could also mean different things? Recently starting?: No that's not what I meant at all.

(And Those Eisenhower Dollars? Classic.)

So sleepiness may be a symptom of depression but it's also a symptom of sleep deprivation, and, now that I think about it... yeah my schedule's been messed up for the past weekish, and, maybe just, became my new normal. Staying awake at night is just something that kind of happens with me. Pulled a couple of all-nighters though, definitely not normal, about a week ago... would there be enough time for my body to readjust though? 

It's mostly little naps. Less than an hour but feeling like a lot longer.

Anyway jobsville: checking my online application, which remember had previously had my application successful but the assessment failed out of nowhere; now the application is disappeared entirely, which means I can re-apply I guess and retake the assessment... only, as the job I'd had has obviously been gobbled up in the month I've been gone, it's like re-apply to what? It's true that it does allow you to apply for a position and let you sit on it until it opens up, but at this point... at this point, it really sucks but it'd be a lot quicker to find work elsewhere. rrrg... 's blows.

But I'm no expert. Maybe they're holding something, and it's invisible, or something.

Head Trip

My brain chemistry's been super messed up these last few days. It's a personal problem. All I can do is sleep or ignore it, or confront my anxieties head-on, although no matter how illogical I discover my anxieties to be of course it won't soothe them. Still feels like I'm doing something at least.

Got no idea what I'm going to do a video on this weekend. I'll think of something. Meanwhile also have to keep up my streak of social media on other sites. Phew.

Mixed Change and Metaphors

gosh DANG IT WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY

sommink about socks i think...

It was really cool but ultimately trivial anyway, something filler writing as I cleared my head. I think a lot of things, and write a lot of things, and even though important wheels got turned today I'm not sure if this is the venue for that. Setting the ball rolling is the hardest part. I'm juggling some stuff, rolling it downhill. There's a far better mixed metaphor in there somewhere but OHP I REMEMBER WHAT IT IS

my teeth don't hurt as much anymore; Easter basically destroyed my teeth with all those jelly beans. Reagan is far from my favorite president even out of the Republicans, but the dude had awesome taste in candy and that makes him tough to dislike.

Grant, Grant was a cool dude. We don't use the $50 nearly enough anymore...

It's Got a Weather App and Everything

But golly my new phone is really quite something. I'd been going to say more but then I got distracted by the Wikipedia article on Shakers and ran out of time. God is both man and woman, and yet we should remain celibate? or God is both man and woman THEREFORE we should remain celibate? still trying to figure that one out...

April Vlog Up

Pretty sure I had more to say initially, like maybe talk bts shop or something, but if that be the case then I'm totally spanking. Um, spacing, / blanking.

I do think this is one of my best thumbnails though. The first vlog thumbnail that isn't just a literal screenshot with the title pasted over it. (I did fudge October 2018's thumbnail a bit. The camera wasn't that far to the right, I just moved the screenshot over a scoach and mirrored the background to hide the edges of the frame.) Had to make a couple of compromises when the thumbnail turned out narrower than I expected, but it still looks swell I think.

A Brand New World

It honestly doesn't feel like the same world anymore.

(The Toronto Star is an Excellent Publication of Crack Journalism)

https://www.thestar.com/entertainment/2019/04/28/how-an-abuse-victims-nerve-and-a-hidden-iphone-led-to-the-arrest-of-a-sundance-founder.html

'Nuther One

(title unrelated)

Cooking something up. What is it? In the oven. No I said what not where. It's something. Really quite something.

Not that much of anything at all though really.

The Beatles' The Beatles (White Album) is one of those timeless, like, timeless albums. Fleetwood Mac's Rumours. Feels like it was written five seconds ago, you know? Every time is the first time.

Torn! Tooorrn!

I'm not sure whether I want to look up spoilers to Avengers: Endgame or not. It's not like I've been avoiding any trailers or fan theories or anything, but now that it's out (it comes out Friday which is code for Thursday and in some places that's now code for Wednesday) I'm like, well... I really don't know.

Guess I'm avoiding Rise of Skywalker spoilers this year meanwhile. I watched the trailer and everything, but after that I was all: shoot maybe I shouldn't have done that. So that's as far as I'm allowing it to go.

Far From Home, though? I don't know either. I watched the trailer(s?) for that as well, but Homecoming was the original one I went out of my way not to spoil. (and still got spoiled for me anyway a little bit... stupid "trailers spoil too much" YouTube video essay, really I was practically asking for it...)

Addams Family Reunion ISN'T the Name of a Real Addams Family Movie; Guess that VHS I Saw Was Just an Actual Reunion Video and EDIT It Turns Out I Was Wrong Just Nobody Talks About It Much Because Technically It's Only the Pilot Movie to The New Addams Family Show

This has already been out and I thought I'd commented on it but going through the archives it turns out I hadn't???

But if I were to make a list of every single reason I love the Addams Family it would take an infinite amount of time, because just like all of it, so YOU BETTER NOT MESS THIS ONE UP GUYS.

Also, s c o o b y d o o c r o s s o v e r p l e a s e

(second edit: sweet one does exist, part of the New Scooby Doo Movies from back in '72. Also, what the heck "New" series? giving me everything I've ever wanted but then being so obscure I don't hear of these till now?)

HTMLMANKLAUSMAJORLROOMMINORSORTLROOMSECTION7CLROOMWEDGE

So the spam comments that I, just, decided to leave up, I decided to, just, check their links today because of course they have links. (The comment preview doesn't show links so you have to check out the comment directly.)

The first link is some hardware store website that returns a 404 (pasted as title.)

The second is an unsecure website and a little more interesting.

Into Your System. "Your system has been hacked by Shadow_TN #Hacked" and copy/pasting the html reveals that there's also apparently some sort of animation effect applied to the text?

(my system wasn't really hacked by Shadow_TN.)

I'm thinking though it may be some sort of test or something...?

<<span style="animation: blurFadeIn 3s ease-in 9s 1 normal backwards running; text-shadow: rgb(255, 255, 255) 0px 0px 1px;">>

opening up about religious belief can be hard sometimes.

https://youtu.be/f6gIRkrpLs4

This is definitely one that could use a Pretzelize Me Cap'n! blog to go alongside it. I'll write one up tomorrow.

(y'all)

JENNIFER y'all LOVE y'all HEWITT y'all AND y'ally'all SARAH y'all JESSICA y'all PARKER y'all ARE  y'all TWO y'all DIFFERENT y'all PEOPLE y'all. Are they both considered horses? SJP is; JLH being someone else makes sense since I've never thought of her as being particularly equine. And what's going on?

what 👏is👏 going👏 on👏

(complicated political legacies y'all)

Alright so I think I know what I'm going to do for my video this weekend.

(I really think I'm doing better though in a lot of aspects of my life. Better than what, I don't know. Average, I guess. It's not quite up to "my best life" standards, but, I'm feeling good about a lot of things. Still no word back from Walmart about anything, and honestly I'd be fine whatever way they dictate. Writing some solid chonking posts on this blog over the last few days, that's nice.)

I am going to need... PEEPS.

(Should be Posting)-->?

I'd possibly be posting more on other social media sites if things were easier- but that's probably just an excuse; if I'm not into a habit I'm not into a habit. And I have very few habits, good or bad. Which is good and bad.

• I don't know my facebook password and I could reset it easily but I don't, and I'm logged in on my kindle so it's fine. Only where's my kindle? Lost it somewhere in my room as I was cleaning/rearranging it; it had been on top of a storage bin but I moved the bin and it slid off and poofed.
• And my wordpress is hard to get to. On my laptop, but I hardly use it because its battery can't charge so it has to be plugged in for me to use it, and I'm logged into wordpress on a different account than the one I generally use for pinterest and stuff. Once again an easy fix but it's nothing that important to me though maybe it should be?
• Don't know where my phone is ofc. There's places I could start looking but if I ask Dad about who would know who was there on the night it disappeared he'd just tell me it'd be easier to get a new phone, and so I don't ask, and so I continue not having a phone. (If I went inside then I would've might-as-well change clothes, and if I did that I might-as-well helped out outside, so I didn't and just stayed outside, and then went inside and didn't change into workclothes but went outside and helped anyway, and then when it came dinnertime I didn't want to stop working.) And what would I do with a phone, if I had it would I instagram art? Do I art in the first place that much or am I distracted by other things?

Who needs this many devices? Who needs them just to not use them? Who needs the social media?; besides the idea being it's good for brand.

Frankly I'm not really sure what I want out of my social media presence. A following?, but I wouldn't have anything to do with it really. Society just sort of tells me that fame is an end in itself, and it's like ok sure.

There's so much it would be easy to do. I'd probably be able to scrape in a few bucks a month if I wrote just a weird little book and published it digitally. But the book would need to be good or worthy of my time writing it or whatever so my desire for greatness keeps me from it. 

Though the greatness only comes in the polish, I've learned already from making YouTube videos even though I haven't really made anything that great from it. At least there I'm making things for the joy of it (alongside ofc a tangled host of other reasons that help press me through the nonjoyous times at least.)

There's that at least and it feels good to be doing that but there are other things I'm not doing, and letting myself be held back on. Like I'm always WAITING for the freedom to do the thing, because it's really going to take up such a large chunk of my time in the doing that I'd be glad I'd had a whole week's worth of hours set aside that one afternoon.

But afternoons aren't that long.

So I like play videogames instead or whatever.

Nothin's Ever Gonna Change

I'm not sure what's going on, or what's going to go on, or something. Latest update in the job saga, the application process has changed since I applied, so I need(ed?) to apply again? Only the assessment looks, re-failed. Even though I'd passed it earlier. So: could that have something to do with the change in process? Or: is the failure from this end, all an illusion somehow? It's a very strange saga.

On the positive side, my paycheck went through last payday, so I have been fairly compensated for the three-odd days of work that I managed to get in. On the negative side GAS IS SO EXPENSIVE, MAN. But I was able to fill up all the way today. Before the complications arose, of course. (I knew that I'd be getting a call today about my reapplication status; just never figured that the status would be: yes, you do have to reapply.)

And reapply to what?, meanwhile: the position I'd had doesn't show up as being open, looking at it. From one account, at least. I think it went through from the other, though. (Having two application accounts, after failing the assessment the first time. Passing by a narrowish margin from the second account, though once again, of course, both accounts' application's assessments say failed.)

So I don't know if I still need to do something, or can do anything. But it could always be worse, it's not like I'm going to starve without this job.

Our Lady

Paris is a hale city. She lives long. I remember what I was doing when I learned about 9/11 (waking up?) and I'll probably remember what I was doing when I heard about the fire as well. (Learning about 9/11?)

urgghhh I'm always just so late, not just "so late" but "just so" late. since I don't have to rush this anymore, getting it posted midnight the day after, I might as well go into more detail.

(Had the idea today *well yesterday, I schedule the posts beforehand which give me motivation to go in there and at least get something, before it just posts up as blank. And also allow me to polish.)

Late today (though I knew I'd probably be posting on this) because I was doing an extra helping of Duolingo, getting through an entire level of French on the topic of Paris. See what they had to say, see what's mentioned in the lesson. Notre Dame est dans le premier arrondissement. The Eiffel Tower is in the, what, seventh, eighth?

Also played on the latest Overwatch map, Paris, today? Not sure where exactly that takes place in the city, geographically. Somewhere on the Seine. You can see the Eiffel Tower from it.

I don't know. The 9/11 stuff I was learning about had to do with society's reaction to it in our arts, the impossibility of traversing that fine line between paying appropriate respect to tragedy, in a monetizable form, vs actually profiteering off it. Not that these tragedies are all that comparable; it's just something I'm struck by, via coincidence in time and space.

When I was a little kid I didn't really give a crap about people living way the heck off in New York, but I care about this.

Untangling Unicorn Store

https://youtu.be/lMY3uo3tQUQ

(i keep on wanna write "untanglish" every time; is that even a word? what a droll time!)

Too Much or Not Enough Break

I've got tomorrow's video, like, written for the most part, or whatever, but shooting it is kind of stressful because of all the gaps that aren't written that I just have to like ad lib my way through, and also the image isn't turning out like it is in my head, and also I just want to go to bed, but I know I'll thank myself massively if I just get my crap done sooner rather than later. But I still need a break.

So I'm writing this.

So Sō anyway; went to this concert this evening instead of filming, and I really don't want to talk about this right now either, but there's not much that I want to do right now. But a lot that I want done.

The thing about percussion especially is that there's nothing there to hold the audience's hand, not much structure either so it's tough to gauge how far into a piece you are just by listening to it. Everyone in the audience is left to their own interpretation of meaning, everyone experiences the same thing but thinks their own thoughts about it. There's a story there, but everyone has to tell it to themselves. Structure is what one wants it to be.

What Next?

I'm really not sure how I'm going to top last video, but whatever I choose I need to do so soon in order to get it shot and edited in time. If I were more decisive this wouldn't be so tough and I wouldn't waste- like, all evening I've just been passing time, not really doing anything deliberately, and that could improve.

Duo

I lost my Duolingo streak again a couple of days ago- too busy editing my video together; always seems to happen. But it was the smallest streak and thus the smallest loss so far.

Apparently you can take these quizzes to skip ahead levels on lessons though, is something I discovered today. And you get 20 points from doing one, instead of the just 10 you get from completing a normal lesson.

Analyzing "16 Reasons" Woo

So far Alex is the only (not-me) person who's watched the video, but he really really liked it and so like, what do I do with this? Today's been a kind of weird day for me You Tube-wise, you know that feel when you're browsing YouTube and you just lose hope for humanity and the platform, and you forget what drew you to the platform so much in the first place? But there is good worthwhile stuff out there, possibly even in the vapid lifestyle vlogs who knows. I haven't facebooked in, well since 2018 I think, but maybe I should share this on Facebook and get more feedback or whatever? But I have friend(s) who also have tried that with their YouTube stuff, and I was totally indifferent myself to their own movie opinions videos. So I don't know.

16 Reasons Why I'd Totally Marry the Joker Trailer

https://youtu.be/ViXwP31pMEE

Technically Fired Technically

Okay so today would have been my first workday since Sunday but- I mean I did go in today but not to work- turns out there was a problem with the I-9 form (I figured having to do with the part where you need to provide two forms of identification but that wasn't it.) What it would up being was something like this: that my social security number on the form didn't match my real SSN; it didn't flag it earlier because it was also the wrong SSN from my application. They couldn't fix it itself, apparently, and so what needed to happen was this: that I be let go, and rehired under a new corrected application. There were some steps of this process that can only be started tomorrow at the earliest, so I couldn't go in to work today.

I mean I've been really torn over do I even like my job, I like the milk part of it but there's also eggs involved and that's rough, not to mention a host of other expectations they don't tell you about, and, the pay's not fantastic but it's the highest wage I've ever earned, and, am I going to be stuck doing this forever, and, the work's alright but the schedule is terrifying especially because I'm so used to being free, and even so it'd be nice to have a bit more wriggle room and/or the foreknowledge of exactly which days I'd be working more than a couple of weeks out, and how likely is it that time off would be approved...

But I wanted to go into work today anyway, even though I couldn't, so I guess that answers that question.

Analyzing Vlog Woo

I don't know why but my latest vlog is getting any hits which is weird? I've been designing my thumbnails at 1/10th size for the past couple of days, making sure they're easily readable, could be it. Also, two of the hits were mine. The thumbnail has me with an open mouth in it, which seems more inviting and clickable? 

I'd been going to talk about this on Pretzelize Me Cap'n instead but I'm talking about it here, but looking back on it, the background music in this one was a mistake. Having watched it with and without music, music definitely helps keep interest up, but I think the particular choice in music was too down-tempo, though having tried speeding it up felt too frantic. Could have tried it sped less, but whatever, you don't care.

Each of these videos I'm treating like it'll be "the one," and I'll gain a follower base or whatever. Same with the posts on Pretzelize Me!, which is why I guess I don't post there as often as I should. The first step in making good art is the willingness to make bad art, and so I guess I'm willing to make this boring blog post, because I'm making anything at all, building my skillset up. Same idea with weekly videos ofc. But sort of balancing the improvement, with the idea that it'd be the one.

New Vlog Woo

https://youtu.be/t1eSvkUdGug

New (Sun)Day Coming Up

It feels like I'm missing something important before I go to bed but I think I'm just being paranoid. But what if I'm not? Analysing my feelings I think it's just anxiety over having to go to church early tomorrow. Pretty sure I have everything I need done. DuoLingo, scripture study.

I got tomorrow's vlog in early, shot and edited it and it's uploading to YouTube now and scheduled to go live in 24 hours. I'm working tomorrow; my schedule is all kinds (alright, one or two kinds) of jacked up. The days I have off each week don't seem to be consistent. And also my hours overrun play rehearsal. 

Since it's something I enjoy, and something that helps, I see my work as a Good thing, and it's lawful to do Good on the sabbath. It's still counting as work, I'm still getting paid; I was thinking and praying (and heck tomorrow's Fast Sunday I could do that too though I already feel good about this) that if I ever have to work on the Sabbath, like, all my paycheck for that day I'll donate as Fast Offering or something.

Anyway, as midnight draws nearer the better I feel that I didn't miss anything. I kind of have to.

kisskillya

apparently the tv show Detention is on iTunes- it's been almost impossible to find up till this point, very little support or information available online, but all thirteen episodes are there. still unsure if this is a show i remember from my childhood- the design of the school hallways matches for sure, as does the vague timeframe (it aired between 1999 and 2000.) And though episode synopses and the like from my scant internet resources had seemed in opposition to more fantastical plots, the iTunes previews of the episodes reveal that the show seems to have a lot of imagine spots, which makes sense.

Cartoon show, Science Court-era, takes place at a school and follows this group of friends. I hope it’s not Detention, because that show is impossible to find, but it might be. The floor is literally made of lava in one episode, perhaps due to virtual reality? And so they have to walk along the tops of the lockers, or along this ledge along the lockers, and encounter Indiana Jones-style booby traps. Something about an evil wheelchair-bound kid living in the boiler room in the basement, who turns out to be just misunderstood? And perhaps he’s got a big henchperson to do his bidding for him, I don’t know.

One Month minus a coupla days since I'm just learning about this now

April 26th is going to be exciting because you know what happens? mountain goats are coming out with a new album. Already have a couple of songs out - so good!- their best stuff since, the last stuff they came out with, really.

Cell Phone Saga Dwindling to an End

Finally coming into contact with the last house this afternoon, no phone turning up there, I guess that makes it official that my cell phone is officially not misplaced but lost. Though actually hol' up, is there a list of all the people who showed up to the Christmas pageant meeting? Doesn't even have to be an official one, just an informal one will do, like asking, "hey do you remember who all was there?" I'm not sure if my new job would ever need to communicate to me via text or not; nobody calls me as it is so I haven't been terribly put out over it, and I'm out of service probably by now anyway so even if I had my phone it would cost money I don't have if I wanted any service. (I'd still be able to Pinterest and stuff but I can and do do that from my laptop.)

I guess I'm just proud. Or maybe I don't replace my phone because I can't afford it; yeah that might be it.

Questions on Forgettable Media

So I had job orientation today and got there a little late though I tried to get there early, but it really didn't matter so I don't even need to go into it. What I want to talk about instead is forgotten (and even remembered) films and video releases from the olden times of, like, thirty years ago. Who's going to remember them? Do we have the obligation to remember them? I also think about crappy shoestring independent movies a lot as well- why do they love child actors so much? Is that the one experience these writer/directors all have, just childhood? Children's movies too, low-budget ones. The music is actually kind of catchy, but still recognizably bad- how so, and what makes music so recognizable as such?

Streak Losses

urgh and I lost my 23-day streak due to the uploading of the video; that's how I lost my 120 day streak at the start of the month...

Not as big a disappointment as that one of course, but more needless still; I knew I had to get my duo done but refrained in case it took up too much bandwidth or something and slowed down the video upload?

Seem to be on a streak actually uploading videos now though; that's two and next Sunday I still have this month's vlog to do. Wonder what that'll be about...

Strokes for Everyone!: Wonder Park, the Coma of the Author and the Future of Animation

Is the title a bit grandiose? Probs. Does it make you want to click it? Absolutes.

Half a Power Outage?

So I'd meant to get a bunch of work in today on the computer but the power shut off while I was out and away, parts of the house's power selectively and leaving the other parts untouched. Like, kitchen? Lights are working, outlets are working. Computer room? Lights are working but the outlets aren't. No electricity in my bedroom at all. 

I just had to drag an extension cord to plug into an outlet in the other room, in order to get the computer on so that I could continue my project. It's going on pretty well.

Dreams (Literal) and Changes (Figurative)

My dreams have been particularly vivid these last couple of nights. It's funny; that's all it seems to take to make my life feel significant enough to keep pressing through it. The only thing that's necessary is to make a day feel important, and string those together.

It's taken a week but it looks like my background check has finally gone through and I'm hireable. It's probably going to be just like any other thing. Never sure if anything is going to change/change me, but I've lived with change long enough by now to hopefully be able to tell how things are going to go along.

Now I Almost Actually Understand How People Who Hate the Last Jedi Feel Almost

Watching Incredibles 1 and 2 back-to-back is a terrible idea and I don't recommend it unless you want to get mad. Positives though:

• You can pretend (and heck maybe it was deliberate) that it's some kind of commentary on comic book time, stories that happen over days or weeks taking months to complete while always being set in the "present" (you know what comic book time is.) People reminiscing over events that took place only a few days ago, as though they happened 14 years ago? Sure, deliberate! Because comic book time!
• The advancement in technology means that the sequel can be subtle where the original went super stylized. The two don't always mesh, but there are good things that can come out of it. The lighting values in 2 are exquisite. There's some pretty good lighting in the first one but 2 just blows it out of the water in that regard.
• Now I kinda get what TLJ haters are getting at, like something's totally ignoring everything that's coming before? I don't feel that way about the Star Wars movie of course, but I'd be mad too if they actually did that.

New Video!

HOW GOOD IS PIE LIKE SERIOUSLY

Mmmmight as well.

Apparently it's Pie day today. Had some seriously amazingly good pie today.

The fact of the Pushing Daisies marathon also today is complete coincidence; it's something I've been watching lately anyway.

2019 Disillusions

Is it weird that it's 2019? It's weird that it's 2019. Year seems so... temporally displaced. Like, 2016 was an eternity ago, 2020 is this weird future thing that's never going to arrive, 2019 feeling like it shouldn't have arrived. And it's just so weird.

And it's March already. ...?!

And I'm thinking about jobs (and I don't have any yet) but with the snags with the Walmart stuff it's got me thinking whether I really want to work there, thinking whether I even want a job at all, and why would I want I job, so that I can buy things? I don't want to buy things. Capitalism seems kind of pointless to me now, me being so far outside of it.

And everything else it feels like I'm outside of that all too. I want to want things, but I just can't bring myself to. Nothing seems real to me. Maybe that's not a bad thing.

Spider-Man Saves the Evening

I wanted to go to bed a couple of hours ago but I wanted to get a blog post done first, but I didn't want to write anything because the only thing I would be able to write about is how it feels like I've hit a low point, but I didn't really want to talk about it. I would have gone to bed miserable, had I gone to bed when I'd wanted to.

Now I'm feeling a little better. No small part thanks to Spider-Man. Thank you, Spider-Man.

Actually now that I think about it, I wouldn't have slept straight from that, but would have written some non-blog related stuff, get my life off my chest. Still seems like a good idea.

This Happened

https://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/prophet-meets-pope-francis-vatican

Feel the Burn

Exercising with Alex every-ish day for almost a week now, and it still s*cks but it gets easier marginally. And it's called exercise. And in a shortly long story, like, it works because you continue doing it after you'd normally give up, spurring you beyond how you'd do you. You grow because it stretches your comfort zone.

And it's not true 100% of the time, but it is a much more effective method of growth. Maybe. Like, just because it's getting easier doesn't mean I'm really seeing any results yet of course. But, as a general principle, it might be true I suspect? It gets you to places quicker, at least, maybe.

Realizing I don't know for sure is undercutting a lot of my initial point, not to mention the counterexamples I can think of. I'm a pretty good visual artist, but I don't remember ever "arting" past the point where it hurts, things just accumulated gradually, maybe continuing because believing in myself, being told I had skill when in fact I did not? 

Piano, though, exercising there; and writing of course, though I still feel I could use many drills in both. That's the kind of thing I was going to liken to exercise.