Hearing a Fly Buzz

Maybe I WILL get to a subjective review of Infinity War at some point...

My poor dome's abuzz. My poor frame's fatigued. There's so much I want to get done right now, but nothing at all really. Just things I need to do. I want to blog, but not really because I'd rather be writing my feelings someplace more personal. I want to write in my Google Docs diary, but not really because I want to go to bed. I want to sleep, but not really because I napped for an hour and a half today. Nonetheless, I am nodding off here.

Am I looking ahead to anything? The numbers on the calendar are a meaningless grid to me right now, as random and dead as the rows of headstones at a cemetary. I guess I've been seeing that a lot lately; looking over the chapel after church today, from the back of the chapel looking forward, the little green hymnbooks set in their cubbies in the pewbacks all looked like gravestones to me. I'd thought I'd finally make it to a furry convention this year, but that's something trivial and missable compared to the inevitable forthcoming funeral; Ryan's and Angeles's wedding, next week now technically, is more solidly affixed as a landmark this month.

It's weird/funny how we have to go over the ethics of dealing with death and the dying each time it happens. Grandma's stable, but she's not eating; she's on morphine, which Dad fears might take away her appetite and thus be killing her. He seems so upset when he talks about this; I see my face in his, the face I make when I'm on the verge of tantrum breakdown, and realize how similar I am to my father. Out of all siblings, he seems most cut up.

There's more peace than sadness in that room, though.

And heck I've woken myself up, writing about all of this.

So it's fast sunday, and testimony meeting at church I got up since nobody else was, I was the first to get up and I had nothing to say so I just said that, and said it again, and noticed how the podium was made of wood, and said nature testifies of divinity. Later someone told me that that was the only testimony her son could remember of today, so there's that. It's true, the testimonies today were all pretty boring. But anyway.