I don't want to say anything cliché like, we stand at the brink of the new year, or anything. Mother's Day Funnies Pages. This isn't what this is about at all. The bulk of my observations today continue to do with whatever the heck it was I was talking about in yesterday's post- and, like I was talking about in yesterday's post with serializing my observations,* this is one of those times where I actually am splitting up a single post into multiple parts. This post was actually polyped off from the beginning of yesterday's post, the first part initially dealing more in-depth with- what I'm talking about here. It works fine the way it is now, but if you'll read this post and then yesterday's, you'd be able to see how they sort of fit together. Anyway.
I'm 23 years old, fresh off from my best two years, full time volunteer mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - after such an experience, or wealth of experiences**, there are changes everlasting wrought in a man. Highfalutin language, so it's by its nature a cliché somewhat, that idea- can't even use your own words for it, you have to cop someone else's and it doesn't sound like you- but it's a cliché I'm willing to believe. I'm not the manchild I once was.†
Manchildishness is emotional immaturity- completely distinct from manchildlikeness. Not the manchild one once was then would be a shift from one to the other- or a tempering of the degree of manchild, um, ocity (couldn't have said -ishness or -likeness, could I have?). In my case, though, between -ish and -like, it's apparently from one to the other.‡
I'm still young. And, maybe still mildly (and proudly) jejune. The steel of the naivety of youth is beginning to be tempered by the heating and cooling process of, like, realism, and stuff, though...
I (naively??) once thought that there were dreams I'd always (be able to) hold on to-- those dreams are great, and it would be nice if we were able to do two or three things at once, because some of those things are still really really neat- but other things are neater still. And logic dictates that other things must still be neater than that, and so proceed ad infinitum, and thus the major problem is when what goes where- and when rehearsal time is over, and when it's time to get on the stage. (I think I may have more to say on this in the
Hundred Things, once again... I think...)
Not that these dreams aren't still salvageable- all dreams are. The ability to follow dreams and turn them into realities is a function directly related to the investment we put into it. But how much investment would you put into a bad idea when you know it's bad and that you have had better? Maturity isn't not to follow your dreams; it's to know that they can't all be followed, and to have to make the difficult and emotionally wrenching decision of which dreams are worth following. Flotsam versus jetsam- I've heard other definitions of the distinction between the two, but the one I think makes most sense is, flotsam "floats" after a wreckage, and was lost due to natural causes, but jetsam was "jettisoned" for one reason or another. Both are necessary, in the land of dreams.
All the projects I brought up as having, whether here in this blog or elsewhere- I once believed firmly, perhaps, that they would all be able to make it off the ground. And you can see that if you go back. It's kind of sad and naive but, that's why I do speak on these things, why I am speaking, so you can see this evolution-- nothing dies on the internet, make of that what you will, and I guess that's kind of the point.
My poor grades in school from all the homework I didn't do can attest- it's tough to produce and improve on anything, especially when you're maybe
afraid of wasting paper. In this industry, in the "creative sector," the practice is the
creation, so those become doubly important. And creation can go down any time- you're never "clocked
in" technically, so it's in a sense a full time job. (Not that it's a difficult strenuous
work or anything; motivation to get the work done at all is the toughest thing.)
In a sense being "clocked in" to do work is a good motivator; it's
pretty basic stuff- if there's only a limited window to get done what
needs to be done, you're not going to put off till tomorrow. It's like
procrastinating till the last second to get things done, but the "last
second" is self-enforced and day by day, an avalanche of last seconds
cascading down behind you as you run to escape, with your path in front
of you also appearing as you run, the platform materializing right as
you make the leap for it. (It's hard to be truly honest and stuff about explaining this subject because I do talk
about it in greater detail in one of the Hundred Things, so I don't want
to explain too much for now, but- there's my totally awesome analogy right there.)
If being thus "clocked in" is a good thing, shouldn't it follow that the more clocked in you are the better? Conceivably you could be
clocked in all the time, but this would be the exact same effect as
though you were never clocked in at all: when studying a subject, the
most efficient method is not one long drawn-out cramming session, but
shorter more focused reviews with plenty of breaks in between them.
Specific, dedicated sessions- being clocked in, in other words- work the
best.
A great example of being clocked in for me is
such as when there's a countdown to the time, 8:30 in the morning, when
my posts usually go up-- have a deadline for my latest post, it's a lot
easier to blog here in the mornings for me (that plus no one else is up
and so I'm not conscripted into playing any awesome board games I can't
pass up.) After 8:30 am, if I've missed a post-up time, it's arbitrary when my
post goes up throughout the rest of the day. I guess the computer is
kind of a valuable commodity at this time in the morning, and when I can't get on it in any form to do what I usually do to posts (which is, to polish the aitch out of the incomplete post I have generally prescheduled so that it's in a form I feel to be fit for publication) then, well, maybe I can cop a compy for time enough to revert the post to draft form so I can try again later on in the day. That Kindle I told you about getting is a nice tool for that sort of thing (thanks, Mom!), and I can even compose to an extent on the on-touchscreen keyboard (it's pretty neat; it's got these tools that guess what word you're in the middle of writing which speeds up the process a bit) but it's far from ideal for full-on composition, so I prefer a desktop or a laptop. And by that time already, post-up time is arbitrary, so... 11:30 pm post-up for yesterday!
I like blogging
every day like this, but my projects are so ambitious, when it comes time for it it's pressing to decide what I do want to say- so I
just have one monster post full of a lot of really good stuff, like this, eh,
rather than serialize my thoughts. Like I was saying last week. If I've
got a post that needs to go up but I still have a lot of things to say,
instead of breaking my post into smaller bites I just put the post off
till the next day (and the next and the next and the next) and scrounge
together something else out of my bag of vague ideas. There are a lot of
posts like that coming up... big ones. Coming up, that is, if I don't put them off again.
It is said that the Wookiee Chewbacca lives on the forest moon of Endor instead of his home planet of Kashyyk. It has long puzzled scholars why this would be the case (long answer short: he doesn't. It's because he doesn't. Fictional Johnnie Cochran is full of crap. I am so glad I did research before putting this post online.)
It has also been thought that the detonation of a fully operational superweapon directly above an unshielded moon would have rained down literal veritable hell upon the inhabitants-- and yet there is no trace or mention of this in Return of the Jedi (long answer short here: when hyperdrive regulators, such as those in Death Stars, collapse, they open up wormholes. Seriously.)
My "beautiful theory... murdered by a brutal gang of facts" aside, sure, let's have fun with misconceptions. Let's say that Chewbacca DOES mysteriously live on Endor, which DID mysteriously survive having a 160-kilometer-wide superweapon explode in sector 47-ish, close enough for the explosion to be visibly seen in broad daylight. I don't think the two are entirely unrelated.
This long-postulated "Endor Holocaust" may in fact explain the Wookiee's odd choice of abode. What if there were a device of some kind, probably just "plot" device, so that Kashyyk was actually the one to get all the Deathy Starry chunks falling upon it? Like, wormholes caused by imploding hyperdrive regulators, or something. Or lots and lots of handwavium. Maybe just Plot. The fire and brimstone rains down above Kashyyk instead, and...
Weh, that all sounded good when it first came to me. What do you think?
There are loads of situations where this could happen to you. Let's say you're Col. Jack O'Neill from Stargate SG1, specifically the episode "Window of Opportunity." You go through the same day over and over again, resetting back to where you started again at the beginning. Eating your Froot Loops, engaging in a conversation with Daniel Jackson, always at the point where he's saying: "Anyway, that's just how I feel about it. What do you think?" And you didn't hear the question in the first place.
Granted, there are loads of more plausible scenarios where you're asked a question but have no idea how to respond- people slur, and maybe you're hard of hearing, or anything. But this one makes me giggle hardest. Let's say you are O'Neill. If you're ever caught when you didn't hear or weren't paying attention to what someone was saying, but it is pretty clear that they asked a question, you aren't sure how to respond. I've come up with the perfect solution, though: say "it depends on the context."
This will either get you to leave you alone or repeat the question, possibly illuminating (expanding) upon the context. Unless their question was, "...or does it depend on the context?" but I can assure you, it's very rarely that. Not that anyone has done any... science on it or anything. But out of all the possible questions in the world, well, I don't know. Like, statistically, it can't be all that high...?
I was in the bath this morning and suddenly I noticed how fat my thighs are-- and I realized, woo, free fat, I didn't have to pay money for that at all! Life gives you gifts just for existing, you guys!
...
Got a Kindle Fire HD 6 for Christmas! Unwrapped the shell casing for it first, of course, so it wasn't much of a surprise... Thinking about it now, though, I realize how anticlimactic it would have been otherwise: "oh boy, a Kindle! My first ever tablet computational device could this Christmas get any better!" (...remember PalmPilots? those things were like so rad...) and then later- oh, look, a case.
...
I found an old Nazarene album in the vinyl collection, and dusted it off, excited. In the sleeve turned out to be the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack, disc 4, instead of the other thing-- but I was still excited for it anyway. That probably says a lot about me.
TRANSCRIPT:
It's the official Thespis (Insert name of any holiday here. Just paste the name of the specific holiday you have in mind over this, and the receiver will be none the wiser!)
e-card!
It's time to...
Get off from school, maybe!
Spend time with friends and family! (Bambi, etc. offscreen.)
Go outside and play!
Eat your favorite seasonal foods!
Fill the air with music!
Be patriotic/religious!
It's been a great Christmas here, away from home. I guess it was away from home. Huh. Maybe it was because I only just went out, or maybe because my apartmentmates are so great, but it didn't really feel like Christmas away from home. Away from home or not, it just felt like Christmas. Mormon Tabernacle Choir, live and in person. Actual snow. Nativities everywhere. Good tidings of comfort and joy.
It's been really spiritual, at least. Everything's about the spirit of Christ here. Imaginably. So it was wonderful. Wonderful, there, as opposed to, say, perfect, or anything. I still think it would have been better with more presents. Or any presents, that arrived on time. That would have been great. Presents are awesome.
It's not like any of the secular ho-ho-ho gift stuff distracts from the spiritual stuff. I don't think it would, at least, but I'm not sure. All I knew this year was the spiritual stuff. I do know that I missed it, the ho-ho-hos, but I don't know. What I do know is without, it didn't really feel all that 100%, definitive, so-this-is-Christmas Christmassy to me. That would have been better with the ho-ho-hos. I don't think one spirit of Christmas would distract from the other one. It could happen. The secular working in harmony with the spiritual, it becoming spiritual itself as it becomes infused with that magic Christmas spirit. The two Christmases working together and becoming one. Here I did feel a lot of the wonder and awe and joy and triumph. But bows and wrappings and stuff would have been good too.
Oh, well. It's not like I can't go without. Even if I couldn't, I would only have to put up with it one more year. But the point is this:
My post today had originally been going to be totally different, until I realized that today is the day before Christmas. Don't you hate it in the Sunday funnies, around holidays, when half the strips carry jokes about Mother's Day or whatever, and half of those are just stupid variations on the same joke? I'd been wondering what to do with this, then, but I think it's okay to talk about Christmas a bit, albeit only tangentially-- this isn't the funnies, still, so whatever. Tomorrow being Christmas and all, I figure that's fitting. Considering the theme of backlog- a string I can continue here. You know the Zucchini Story, the string of emails I wrote from my mission intending for postification, and which I put up not long after I got home as a series of backlog posts filling in the days I missed blogging on? Those weren't the only emails like that.
I did have one more post for the blog written from my mission and sent home as an email, an email about how awesome Christmas is which I'd been wondering up till now what to do with-- see, for months, up until today, I'd been thinking it would be one of the 100 things I learned on my mission, put up as a post of backlog that way. Today however I realized that it's not really in the standard format of my 100 things- and it was sent home as an email, so shouldn't it be one of the Two Weeks? But going just now to put that into implementation, I realized a couple more important things- one, it goes against the soul of the Two Weeks initiative, not being a post at all which I'd planned to preschedule or anything, and so it can't be one of those, thus, two, well, there's not really any spaces in the backlog slots where it would really make that much sense to put it, even as one of the Hundred Things I learned on my mission- if it were a part of the Hundred Things, it would be thing 100, thus the first to get posted (there's going to be big Late Show-style countdowns all the way up till 1; it's going to be great.)
I thus decided that I'm going to put the email up as just a normal not-backlogged post, tomorrow. The post you see tomorrow? Written two years ago. Merry Christmas.
And, since I don't really like having posts about nothing but what I'm doing with my blogging, it's time for another video (here's looking at you, Dug from a couple of days ago.)
This is why I stinking love art. I saw this guy Bouletcorp and was just blown away, and at first was like, welp, anything I do just pales in comparison to that, and so at first I was kind of ashamed of putting up my own measly Christmas card or anything. Until I looked at my own stuff again, and realized it was still adorable, and still well done. ...If I do say so myself... Art is great, in all its forms. Good art is good art, and that transcends styles, genres, or anything... it's really kind of inspirational.
It's great how I've got pools of ideas I've already got ready for me, like a handy pair of pants suspended from the ceiling ready for you to jump into when you get out of bed in the morning. (the continued 14 now down to ten? sure, here:
Change Slash Consequence (which also started out as an English assignment, so it is English 5/5, but I started elaboration on its points that paragraph halfway through when I started listing specific "masculine/feminine" species examples...)
and now that ten is down to five.)
Useful, yes. (Anyway.) But there are sort of longer bigger projects which would take a while and then there are these fun backlog ones one can just phone in. Yesterday, it was phoned in. Today's post had also been going to be phoned in, and in fact I had originally been going to post it a few days ago specifically as a phoned-in post built mostly off of some post I started a couple of years ago but didn't get around to posting up. But then I had to inject more life into it, and it got out of hand, and here we are, and this post isn't phone in. Those with subscriptions to the IRS feed or whatever will have noticed this post going up prematurely a few days ago, accidentally, till I took it back down.
I haven't even gotten to the body of the post I'd been going to phone in, but the theme of that original seed is still very, very apropos. It has to do with precisely what we're talking about, phoning it in or not, the length and intent that posts should be. The original idea, the original question, was this:
Should I do longer rambly posts such as this one, or should I use shorter, more restricted essays on one subject only-- then call back to them whenever I need specific examples when I'm arguing specific points as part of a larger set piece? I do something like that "callback" already, whenever I bring up a subject and then bring it up again later, sometimes even linking to the original post where I'd brought it up. Still, it all interacts in slightly different ways, the same example still needing different facets exposed for different effects of the cause. So, I suppose I could do both? I suppose I do do both?
One of the prime psychological drives I think I may have mentioned once (and which I would link to here were I able to find the specific reference, see how this works?) is that, the dead are dead, and we can only guess at their motivations or what they would think about this that yon or the other particular thing- would George Washington appreciate the cinematic stylings of Wes Anderson or the Cohen Brothers? We don't know, and can never say. But I figure if I build up enough "pool" for myself of what I'm getting at and where I'm coming from, then maybe you'd be able to sort of reverse engineer my entire mental profile. Lofty and rather naive, yeah. But still cool.
And so, as long as I build that up, I guess it doesn't matter how. It would certainly be easier to do shorter more focused posts... but then I'd want to go into more and more arbitrary and bizarrely specific levels of detail... Bonini's Paradox, I brought up a couple of weeks ago- the only truly accurate comprehensive model ceases to be a model; the more detailed a representation is the less comprehensible it is...
Well, however it comes, I suppose. Reality kind of makes itself difficult to represent- we'll never stop trying, and we'll never stop failing, but we'll come breathtakingly close enough times to make the whole endeavor worth it.
Stupid computer issues preventing me from getting my Christmas card up yesterday when I finished it, I figure I'll just post it up in today's post. If I can get the dang thing to load today either...
My initial idea for this year's card was to go for pet rocks. Such wonderful things. You can sort of track the evolution of my ideas throughout my sketches yesterday... Somewhere along the line Polandball suggested itself, and then candy canes... and now this. Pet rocks interacting with Polandball? Sounds good to me. It's not like my Christmas cards make that much sense in the first place...
... Still doesn't seem like enough for its own post, does it?
8:20
It's Sunday, and I should really be getting off to church (some stupid choir function so we're technically late... why does there have to be so much choir around Christmas!?) so, well for now I've got this, and I will be back with updates on various drafts of the card I'm working on this year.
12:40
Got the basic idea of it. Wurkin' out the, layout and everything, now.
9:10 (pm)
Maybe I'm getting too clever for my own good- but I think I'm taking this in a whole different (yet similar) direction from what I'd been planning all day.
I made a couple of Christmas cards, drew them up for Christmases 2012 and 2013 on my mission. Two years in a row- I guess that's enough to qualify as tradition.
December 2012, my first month on the mission, I had a hard time adjusting to things. Well, I wouldn't say "hard time;" I wasn't homesick or anything, just- my bed was super comfortable and it wasn't the easiest thing to get up at 6:30 or earlier every morning there at the start. Friday, December 21st, 2012 was no different, except for a couple of things- aside from it being the winter solstice and the end of the world and all that, this time I had a plan.
In order to motivate myself to get out of bed in the mornings, I would get up, and draw something.
That's not what happened today though. I did have something to draw; I just waited till later to draw it. Because that's so much better.
What I'd had to draw was my first Christmas card. December 21st, 2012, Happy Birthday Jesus, from the end of the world.
And that's how the 2012 Christmas card came about, and the beginning of the Christmas card tradition. (Or, uh, well it wasn't a tradition till it happened a second time I guess.)
The 2013 Christmas card didn't even start out as a Christmas card- in some downtime at the Family History Library, waiting for my companion to get finished microfilm digging, I started sketching out an iceskating female reindeer with some paper and a pencil I conveniently had with me (Santa's reindeer are all chicks, hate to break it to you- male reindeer shed their antlers in winter, and you understand what that entails.) Starting drawing this, and, it felt goood; it was the first time I'd drawn anything in months. I'm not sure the exact order of things, though- somewhere along the line I decided that it would be my Christmas card for the year, like the one I'd made the year before... also somewhere along the line I should have a message like the message from the year before... also somewhere along the line I was musing about meaningless song lyrics and how there's a huge screaming emptiness behind all that...
And it all came out rather creepy. And, dare I say, awesome.
Tough getting a good scan of that one- it's in pencil rather than ink, and I sketched in on the back of some scratch paper with a printout on the other side...
But, yes. I should definitely think of some sort of 2014 holiday card.
The world keeps coming down around and at you. I have recently
received an offering of friendship on Facebook from very good friend
(and even worse influence) from the mission, one who would be leaving
for home anyway soon as well were he not home already with extreme
prejudice. I am not naming names this time. You know the "too much dirt we have on each other" remark yesterday? Never been truer...
If there are any reparations that need to be made, I will make them
gladly. If there's no excuse for anything anyone did, then there's no
excuse for it. My, erm, Cailin has, uh, advised... to ease off and return to business as usual, wait for a response... I haven't been depressing, lately, have I? I don't mean to be... My continued discussion of the subject is just the news that's selling is all, don't mean to shoot my foot in the mouth but at the same time... I suppose that is a wise decision, wait watching to see if there's some kind of (official?) response.
An office job pretending to be a mission? Well, it is an office job. In many but not all instances, well, "clerical" like I myself admitted... Pretending is a bit strong of a word- is not even the word- it is a mission, it is a mission as well, clearly. I'd say undeniably, but what I'm dealing with is the denial, so that clearly tosses that word out of the window. But every change made and victory earned and step drawn closer to the Lord, just like a "real mission." And immense change wrought in our lives... if we let it...
The spot I'm in isn't tight anymore. It's liberating. I'm still touching on ginger ground as I'm still in the dark about who knows what, but I think we all know way too much dirt on each other and all want to keep our relationships civil and away from a nuclear arms race. My "lawyer" has gotten back to me, and she says so far I've "handled the issue with great sensitivity..."
"You manage to share your life and the emotional impact of your
revelation without passing judgement, and that's great," she says. "It really is.
Not many people can manage that, but again, you've been friends with me
since we were 5."
This week has been filled with things that are "just like me." If you know where to look. While I'm at it, I figure I can get in something that I'd been meaning to get in to yesterday's post but couldn't find a way to shoehorn in. I'm still not sure the exact circumstances that made me think of this, and how exactly this fits in, but...
There we go. U2 music video. (I've got no shame, oh no, oh no.) That one there is called "Bad," and is about a friend who shot enough heroin into his veins to kill him. I always thought that the kid did die, and looking into it it looks like there's more than one kid-- Andy Rowen survived; Gareth Spaulding wasn't so fortunate-- it looks like the song was written "for" Andy and "about" Gareth... and also "about" Andy as well...
And so all this time I thought it had killed him... But they write more about him in Songs of Innocence, their latest album (pick up a copy- no, pick up 5; I mean it...) And there's two little words in the liner notes, "he survived..." Total paradigm shift...
And that's what it comes down to.
The world keeps coming down around and at you. Sunday morning this week I discovered a major change in how we understand an elder and friend from my mission-- one who would be shipping out for home this week anyway under anything but these most extraordinary of circumstances-- discovered it and let it run... So far I'm not sure the damage- if there is any I'd gladly do all in my power to make reparations- this thing will explode, I think, but so far there haven't been enough eyes from those to whom this would matter...
There's a way the young elders like to keep in touch, on the mission- we make little contact cards, some more elaborate than others, when we go home... My last week I had too much to do, and my idea for a contact card was too elaborate; I had to finalize it all here back at home and then ship them off to the mission.
I had the blog as part of my contact information...
And there's no turning back now.
Yesterday the contact cards arrived back to the mission for the young elders.
Well, 24 hours since yesterday's post went up. 24 hours since the bombshell. And the world is still here. And my load isn't any lighter. Well, maybe in some regards. But I come here full knowing that how any relationship to anything else hereafter is entirely dependent on how I play my cards with this post.
A grandiose statement? You could say that, but I'm not going to. So much of my heart and identity was poured into yesterday's post. So much was represented of what I value or cherish, and what other people value and cherish, and so much that needed to be protected. Sensitive issues we're dealing with. Explored tactfully yet methodically. And it all ends with the discovery of a great secret, that a very dear friend was not himself throughout all your period of knowing him-- and then exposing that secret to the world.
So, no. I don't think that there's anything grandiose in that statement at all.
I was torn somewhat, of course. Double guessing myself at least. Thinking about it, praying about it. Maybe I'd split the post up into two parts, allow some breathing room and a separate entry for the pretty parts from the ugly parts, and only share the pretty and if anyone follows up and discovers the ugly it's out of my hands. Until I realized that the secret was going to come out anyway, two parts
to my post or one. Whether I'm part of the coverup or not. Could've
used my powers for blackmail; now I guess I'll have to make my money
through parents paying me to keep away from their children. Might as
well get it through with; might as well follow through with my promise
of treating the subject "holistically." Resolved myself to it; things
are a lot easier once you've resolved yourself to them, as you start
making excuses in favor of your own decision.
It had been such a pretty piece of writing, such an apt breakdown of the unresolved tensions inherent to the existence of the culture, the FCHHM YM program, which I'd labored so very carefully on for such a very long time. Secrets come to light, though, and I let them- help them even. It's probably going to prevent the post from marketability, share it down with the gals on Facebook, spread it to the families of missionaries there: oh isn't this such a lovely article doesn't it explore the subject so profoundly hit every nail on the head-- sorry, none are going to share it now and none are going to be able to share it, it's tainted product, touches too many sensitive nerves too darkly; it's going to mar too many reputations and bring down too many culture heroes.
Which was far from my intent, but it would be in vain to try to wage arms against the possibility. I was shaking, when I put the pieces together. (I'm shaking now a bit.) I tried shaving, but I didn't trust myself with a safety razor. Eric Larson, the "fun kid great kid," IS "Son of a Swede," the ex Mormon, who left the mission because by the time he was on it, its goals and values were not ones he shared. He stood up for what he believed, and as much as I can say "we never knew thee," I could never disrespect a man for that. If any of this sounds too apologetic, it's because I don't know whose eyes could be on this. I don't blame anyone for what they've done...
The mind of anyone else is an enigma. Strike out that, "of anyone else" and that's true as well. I don't mean to betray anyone's trust. None was placed in me, and that helps. The decision to go public with my discoveries was still probably the most emotionally straining decision I've had to make in my life.
It would be the perfect time to bring this up, then, that it would kind
of be helpful to break down what a mission represents. Breaking that
down, plus how much of that affects this blog directly (which is just
gravy.) Two years away from home, serving the Lord, putting aside all
other personal affairs. Yes. I suppose I could talk about that.
And then I didn't actually talk about it. So.
It's kind of awkward to speak of the mission in totally "holistic" terms- I tend to skirt around issues when I'm asked about it, irrationally fearing, but- "two years," I mention. Yes. The mission was for two years. And the housing- it's all, in apartments, and everything, not from home, so...
When people think about the Church, it's near ubiquitous that people think about the face of it- they think about missionaries and missions. And that's not an unfair stereotype- it is, it really is, it's usually the "dum dah-duh dah, dum, DUM, I hoope, they call me on a misiooon, when Iiii have groown a foot or twooo" go out and "I'm gonna send you two-by-two" and ride your bikes around, knockin' on doors and spreadin' the Good Word, getting chased by dogs and getting doors slammed in your face and all that... It's not a stereotype so much as an icon.
Basically like this, yes.
But there are more missionaries than that- and more kinds of missions than that. Which is where things get weird for me...
The Family and Church History Headquarters Mission, the 80-or-90-odd young elders there at any given time do count toward the 88,000 full-time missionaries that are out there. But you can't find any news about it in the usual places. The YM (Young Missionary) program isn't even mentioned on the official lds.org site for the mission (though Data Quality is; holla! That photo's not of the Givenses, by the way; it's just, there.) The FCHH Mission is mentioned nowhere on the big board of the mission presidencies of all the different missions that's there if you go up to the 14th floor of the Church Office Building like I've done. There's an entire photoessay on the mission, beginning on page 24, in the Church's April 2006 Ensign (link will open a PDF of the issue to download) but this is back when it was still just the "Family and Church History Mission," no "headquarters" about it yet. There are one or two young missionaries, but all are Church Service. And so here's where the other shoe drops.
Aside from the 88,000-plus-strong workforce of full-time missionaries, there are over 15,000 Church Service Missionaries who are putting in all their "heart, might, mind and strength" (Doctrine and Covenants 4:2.)
That video is unlisted on YouTube. Which means, only those with the direct link have access to it. I managed to track it down, and have it here for you, so I'd like to ask some basic courtesy and consideration: no one mock this. Seriously.
The Church Service Missionary program was put in place to give opportunity to those physically, emotionally, or mentally incapable of putting in the strenuous effort of two years off serving the Lord- but who still had "desires to serve God" and were thus "called to the work." (D&C 4:3-- the entirety of Doctrine and Covenants 4 is more or less a missionary classic, and is often recited at any conceivable opportunity.) It represents a powerful force for good, not just in the lives of the missionaries who are part of the program, but in the Church and in a broader context the whole world.
And, like I said, this mission's not a part of that.
FCHH Mission is full time. FCHH Mission you live in apartments instead of at home. Church Service Missions you don't need that- you can work from home, putting in however much work you are capable of and no more. You don't need to do it all day every day for two years for the Lord to be pleased with your offering.
And so, then, clearly, the Family and Church History Headquarters mission is not a Church Service Mission. Not that it doesn't have CSMs; it's just that those are all senior missionaries, who come in at odd days and work odd hours, only coming in on set days of the week. The young missionary program is full time. And yet...
And yet we don't proselyte. Oh, sure, there's all the pixie sprinkles about proselyting for the other side of the veil. That we do do work for the other side of the veil, is true (picture the weird doorframe thing from Harry Potter 5) but it doesn't match really any traditional definition of proselyting as far as I've heard. It's just... work.
The doorframe image is good, let me stick with it for a moment if you'll permit me. The term "liminal" comes from the Latin, and it means relating to thresholds or entrances. Liminality thus refers to ambiguity that takes place between the threshold-- a state of existence between two worlds. And it fits the mission to a t.
And so, we have a really interesting relationship with everybody. Prost Elders, Prost Sisters, CSMs. The Temple Square Mission is separate and entirely distinct from ours; it's the one with all the Temple Square Sisters. I've read blog articles about that mission- about how liminal they feel, like they're not real full time 18-month missionaries (full-time Sister missionaries serve for 18 months; full-time Elders for 24.) I'm not about to say anything like, "they have no idea," but the opportunity does present itself...
Psychologically, bronze medalists are happier than silver medalists- it seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it? But subconsciously, someone who runs a race and finishes silver is more likely to focus on the fact that they could have placed gold if they'd performed just a little bit better... while of course the winner of the bronze medal is subconsciously focused on the fact that if they'd not done as well they wouldn't be placing at all.
I never felt that way about it, but it was clear sometimes, when the dark underbelly revealed itself, that a lot of the young elders did.
I have Asperger's syndrome. There's no way around that. It's been formally diagnosed and everything; I'm not just some snot-nosed teenager on the internet. Incredibly high-functioning, so there's a lot more blessing there than curse, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist (one of the elders on my mission laughed when I told him what was "wrong" with me enough to earn a spot on the mission; he said that whoever diagnosed me must have been high or something when he did so, and didn't believe my diagnosis at all.) It's not just any willing and able Mormon kid off the street who gets called to the Family and Church History Headquarters Mission.
Before we'd heard of the mission, we were looking at maybe working at a canning plant for me, as a CSM. Living at my aunt and uncle's house in Farmington. I would've been thrilled to do that; probably just blogging every day because my computer access wouldn't be restricted as with a full time mission... They've got the cutest porcelain raccoon there... But, no.
It's a blessing, though. It always is. Whatever it is.
Liminality? Forget about not finishing "gold," whatever that means- I was always too caught up in how very weird the mission is. Monthly move sheets, preparation day driving sheets, van groups, transfers every month. In proselyting missions the mission organization and the work organization are one and the same- at the FCHH Mission, for the young elders, we had all kinds of different sheets that came out every month, explaining zone and district assignments, and work zone assignments separate from that- day zone, evening zone. Clerical work, of the other definition. Or both, actually... Strangeness.
Liminality, though? Oh, sure, go ahead and bemoan the fact that you're not out there proselyting right now. Just don't dare insinuate that the CSMs so much less well-off than you are are doing anything less than the very greatest good that it's in them to do.
No wonder why we're mentioned nowhere.
Well, nowhere official, at least. I linked yesterday to posts about the mission and the YM program in it on my mom's blog. There are a handful of blogs out there from senior missionaries, but
the FCHH Mission doesn't really represent much more special than any
other mission that they could get called to. Sites with a YM focus are harder to come by. I realize that I've told you about my mission, and what it's like to be on it, but I haven't really told you about my mission, and what it's like to be on it. These should help with that.
Deep Thoughts from the Family and Church History Headquarters Mission has always been one of the best of the bunch- it's fun; you get to learn all about being on the FCHH Mission, and being around Temple Square, and connections back at home, and life the universe and... Aquabats concerts... Unfortunately, it's no longer updating, since the elder whose adventures it followed left near the end of March of this year. (Updating via, family posting up blog posts of emails sent home, which is how these things work.) Elder Eric (middle name here?) Larson got in January 2013 (the month after I did) and, left early, near the end of March of this year like I said.
He'd still have a few more days left had he stuck around, that incoming group getting out on the 17th this month (mission departure dates are usually the last Wednesday of the month, but they're moved up early around the holidays, being home for Christmas and all that-- which is why my departure date was on the 19th of last month, getting home in time for Thanksgiving.) The final post would've been around this time, barring the possibility of any follow-up "after getting back home" posts.
...It was a sad day when Elder Larson left. I remember it. He was a fun kid... great kid.... liked My Little Pony and the Aquabats... I always thought that it was for medical reasons mostly, but here it looks like it was more of a personal choice. Which doesn't bar out medical issues, of course, and, well, I'm sure it was for the right reasons.
For news of more recent import, collinhenrie.com is apparently a thing that exists- it is a blog maintained by the family of Elder Henrie, who got on the mission July 2013, so if he holds out true and faithful till the end there should be another solid half year coming at us. Elder Henrie is also a really fun kid (Reed- see, I know his middle name.) This blog even has a fairly decent "about" page on the mission (although their source is a tad outdated- the description for Data Quality (which is the zone where I served) still makes mention of new.familysearch! Yeesh! (Also it mentions young elders' bedtime being at 10:30, which got changed to 10:00 six months or so ago.)) But it still has a nice overview of everything, including where the YMs fit in: http://www.collinhenrie.com/about-family-church-history-headquarters-mission/
That's all well and good. Isn't being a missionary the best? Seriously, check that stuff out; there's some great stuff up there.
Liminality, though...
Blogs aren't the only source of online info. This thread on "exmormon.org" forums (or, uh, "phorums") provides a pretty good breakdown of how things stand, no holds barred, no warts unexamined, from the perspective of, well, you know, an "Ex Mormon," who had, defected sounds like a strong/harsh term, but it is the accurate term, defected from the mission. It's a fascinating read inside a lot of the attitude that's implicit there in the "silver medalist" camp -- the idea that it's "an office job pretending to be a mission;" the scare quotes around the idea that we've been "honorably excused" from full-time prost missions. Here she blows: http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1220393.
"Ex Mormon," yes- I'm sure there are sites out there about being an ex-vampire and everything, so there's nothing terribly edgy about this particular subject, but it still sounds like an odd thing to link to, especially considering the context (and it's true, content advisory
there- not for any language or violence or sexuality or anything but for
sheer emotional intensity and turmoil. The thread was immensely disturbing to read, at least for me as a Mormon with a fairly strong testimony and immense love of the temple.)
The post in question, moving on, is by "Son of a Swede," who it looks like received his endowment about the time I left on my mission (and thus headed out on his mission around the same time as me...) He was greatly disturbed by the new mystery cult facet of the religion he'd thought he'd known, as well as some other stuff (such as, some of the more probing questions on the evaluation forms.) Essentially throughout his entire mission he didn't believe in the church he was serving, which bubbled inside of him until he decided to stand up for his beliefs and cut ties with the mission, near the end March of... this... year...
I realize that I haven't really talked about my mission all that much. Its aftereffects, yes, and its side-effects, and the effects that it's had on my blogging of course, but I haven't really given much in explanation of the mission itself and the effect it's had on, me. Which is, kind of important. Kind of, the most important. I know I'm doing the Backlog Hundred, which is going to talk about 100 specific topics from my mission in great detail, but as for anything specifically about, "hey you know it was a great experience," or anything like that, so far I've been... silent.
Time for that to change.
It's too close right now to my 8:30 post-up time to get into, like, paragraphs-long detail, here, so I figure it could be a series. Starting with, the stuff that I have to do the least amount of work on but which still gives you the greatest benefits from it-- links to posts that have already been written on the subject.
So here for you are a series of posts from one of my mother's blogs, Treading Water (and that's, one of the several blogs that my mother has, not, the blog from one of my several mothers.) Check it out.
Starting out with, my tour of the mission, then more word from that, then the official mission call/acceptation to the mission, stuff from my first day, and finally a couple of emails from the field. There's more where that came from, but I think that's a decent selection for now.
TRANSCRIPT: Marvin:So, uh, word to the, um, wise, you just gotta stop saying that. Collin:Ugh...All right. As long as you stop saying that. Marvin:Stop saying... what? "Gotta?" "Um?" ... Collin:"Word to the wise." It's sort of a pet peeve of mine. Marvin:Alright...um... Why? Collin: It's completely misusednowadays... The original phrase was, "a word to the wise is sufficient." It was shortened to just "a word to the wise," which over time completely lost its original meaning. It's now used to preface advice. Anyone who uses it for that purpose is only proving how unwise they are, unaware of its original context. And they use it to sound pithy and smart: the ultimate irony. A word to the wise is sufficient. A rant to the foolish... Marvin:is unfunny. Collin: Wha-?... oh! sorry. IS THIS THE PUNCH LINE? NOTES:
Collin here pronounces "preface" correctly, pref-uss. It's hard to tell in writing, but he'd want you to know that. Also he assumes that the phrases "word to the wise" and "word to the wise" have anything to do with each other, which they probably do, but man would he look idiotic if they didn't.
