Payments and Imaginary Walls

My Patreons are cancelled, my discounted ebook is ordered (but I'm not sure if the discount go through yet?) and the only active subscription I've got going on is the Adobe Creative Cloud. And the Amazon Prime student package, which they're still giving me.

Looking at the Amazon thing today, they have me being a student still until May 2020. Was that when I'd intended to graduate initially? It seems a little out there. I should correct that somehow. And start paying more, because that's the honest thing to do. Like I'm even paying for it myself.

It's bizarre how much money people make, and yet how expensive things are. If I had a job, I'd be able to cover everything I'd been paying for up till last month, on like a day's wages. Of course in real life there's a whole lot more to be paid for, but each individual thing would be negligible. I can see how it adds up, how people can get swamped by debt because they don't even realize it's coming on.

I think about that, seek ye for the kingdom of God, and after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them. What the kingdom of God means. Really I don't want money for myself, I just give it away prodigiously, like the Patreon thing. But I need money also to live. And to make money would be to sell your goods/services, which is like, also blessing others, if you're actually any good. Speaking at least from an artist point of view. A w s t h e ti c. Not sure why people are spelling it out like that nowadays. I'm so rtired.

But wouldn't giving away that be better , you may ask? No, of course not, and this isn't speaking from like a Christianity-supports-Capitalism-somehow perspective (which I've never understood!?) but from a perspective of, Jesus told the dude to sell everything he owned, not give away everything he owned. Doesn't make it feel much better, to ask money in return for what I do (and this is hypothetical here, because actually I've never been paid for anything in my life, at least not anything anybody else couldn't do.) (Maybe that's why I'm uncomfortable with it, because it's literally never happened to me.) It's like there's a wall of pretended morality there, but my qualms are actually excuses/rationalizations masquerading as moral arguments.