Some kind of stream of self-realization!!?? better than no self-realization I suppose. I'm not comfortable (I'm sure there are people out there who are? but I'm not so I just have to find a workaround?) with showing any WIPs, any works in progress; that goes on to include a lot, and intrude its way into many aspects of my life.
Including, not start any works, lest someone come across them unfinished. Even alone, where nobody would be around, it takes a while to build up the strength to overcome the inertia to build anything. It's like the indefinite waiting aspect- I'm fine if I know exactly how long I need to wait, if looking forward to something, but just giving me an indefinite "the future" is torture to me since I don't know how large an undertaking it'd be alright for me to attempt, undergo and finish before anybody sees.
And even if I do "finish" something there's always room for improvement, so... Maybe this goes toward explaining my procrastination in school? I know that if I get started early it's going to take exactly as much time as it will until I'm finished, finished meaning deadline, so why waste all that effort? I'm not going to be satisfied anyway so why not force satisfaction?
Maybe I don't hate graphic design; maybe I'm not even bad at it. I'm ashamed of 90% of my design work from school, possibly higher, but if I put in as many hours in as my teachers recommended... Man what the heck was I even doing, I didn't do anything in school. Even my anxiety attacks were lackluster.
And anyway, not starting on anything because I always lack the tools, so I always hold out on it. Tools meaning, tools, and/or skills as well. I could start on something at least.
No comments:
Post a Comment