On Snipers and Rabbit-Holes

   This is going to be one of those boring personal emotional angsty posts. Woo. My apologies preemptively. If you want to get out, well, now would be a good time to do so...

   I've been going through something of a paradigm shift. With how I view myself, with how I view my friends, and with how I think my friends view me. There's a lot more... angst, than I remember there being, here than at any other time. Which fits, I suppose. Angst is fun.

   We're all people, I guess is my realization. We can view ourselves holistically if we want (for example, we're totally comfortable with the idea that we ourselves, like, poop and stuff, but we're rendered uncomfortable at the thought of celebrities or anyone doing that.) We can look at others, and look at ourselves, and realize others are themselves, but if they have an idea of "I" as much as anyone else does, it would be impossible to know it for sure. I've always thought that my "I" is strong- so then why am I so weak willed? Always thought it was a, virtue, how I leave my identity so undefined and open, how freedom to choose got placed above all else.

   But the question comes down to if I'm able to, how to put this, lead myself, as a sniper would lead his target. Get ahead of myself, predict what I'm going to do. I'm myself, though, so of course I'd know what I would do. There's still a certain pattern, a certain style, a certain flair there that is so inevitable. "Yeah. That's something I would say." I catch myself at activities that are so stereotypically me-- eating a bowl of cereal at the computer, listening to U2 and watching Friendship is Magic at the same time. I wouldn't have been able to predict that I'd do that, but it fits into what I would "do," and say, huh, that fits the pattern. I look at my friends, and I see the pattern there too, but I'm unable to predict what will happen next with any of them.

   Or with myself. I can't lead myself, I really can't. Comfort equaling restriction, both literally and metaphorically, it's got to be comfortable to have such a strict limiting identity. The more I go through the, the more it attaches to me, though- identity. I start liking things, and getting into them, and then viewing myself as a fan, and then I start to align myself to fit with that idea at the expense of others-- the opposite of the ostensible real purpose behind my wide-open identity. I stop caring about other identities, going down this rabbit-hole...

   This post is such a mess; I'm sorry... but it's an important mess.

   And I'll keep telling myself that.