Where was I. Condiments, that's right. Three varieties. Seen here smothered onto cheese puffs; gets you a real feel for the difference in weight and color and texture. Three varieties. Which I will analyze case-by-case now.
HEINZ 57 VARIETIES JALAPEÑO TOMATO KETCHUP with actual jalapeño:
I just realized that Heinz is also Doofenshmirtz's first name. Huh.
Ketchup is amazing. Anything that goes well with ketchup is amazing. Ketchup actually on those things that go well with ketchup, not necessarily amazing (a lot of regional variations on traditional classic foods are just plain dumb but Chicago with their hot dogs ain't one of those,) but ketchup is still itself super legit. And Heinz is the king of ketchups, which is verified to independent third party ketchup experts and I'm totally not making it up, so I expected much from this.
And... it's, surprisingly, ketchup. It's amazing. The jalapeño taste in no way smothers the ketchupiness of the ketchup, and, darn it it really looked for a second there like the spell check was accepting that word. The ketchup is still as tangy and creamy as you'd expect from any other Heinz product, and, brilliantly, they've somehow managed to engineer the jalapeño taste only to bloom after the initial ketchup oomf. Wizardry, is what it is.
As great as ketchup is, and as great as jalapeños are, both of these things are my least favorite of condiments and hot-or-spicy flavors offered in my stocking; it's a real tribute, then, that this isn't my least favorite bottle from my stocking. It's amazing, and I'd recommend it anywhere where, you know, ketchup would go.
Not cheese puffs, though. Heavens no.
EMERIL'S® KICKED UP HORSERADISH MUSTARD:
Fun fact according to the copyright info on the back of the bottle: Emeril Lagasse's name is trademarked by Martha Stewart!? or at least Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia (NYSE: MSO.)
Alright, let's get through this one. This is good mustard, truly, pungent and creamy and with a mouthfeel that I can't even describe in front of mixed company it's just that amazing. I say, "let's get through this one," though, because as great of mustard this is, the truth is, it's... not... horseradish-y. Like, at all.
At all at all.
Maybe I just got a bad batch, or something? After all, Emeril® is that "Bam!" guy, right? He's got the word Bam literally tattooed on his hand/written there with MagicMarker. Author of 19 cookbooks, chef/proprietor of, I'm counting 12, restaurants? No, no. I trust you, Mr Chef Lagasse, sir. Maybe a bottle of your, like, Really Actually Quite Good But Not At All At All Horseradishy Mustard BAM got mislabeled. I think is what it is.
Looking at the label here, the ingredients list horseradish powder as the, let's see fifth, out of six ingredients? Which is, nice, staying away from any artificial preservatives or anything, very well done. But I can't help get the feeling that, maybe the bottle isn't mislabeled, maybe the horseradish mustard really isn't all that horseradishy.
Still an awesome mustard, though. It's great on... also not cheese puffs. Pretzels, try it on pretzels.
KIKKOMAN WASABI SAUCE FOR SANDIWICHES AND DIPPING TRUSTED NAME, GREAT FLAVOR A VERSATILE CONDIMENT WITH A VELVETY ZING featuring a "root blend" of horseradish and actual Wasabi, which is rare stateside:
By far my favorite of the three, plus it actually goes great with cheese puffs. Taste-wise, as well as appearance. Check out that photo on top one more time; it really glows a nuclear green against that foxy fiery artificial orange, doesn't it?
Downside to this one, seriously, is it's in the littlest bottle of the three. Stiiinks. It happens, though.
It's... it's wasabi sauce. I... I don't know what else I can say about this. I've had more pungent stuff, but it's not like this shirks at all at clearing your sinuses once you swallow (it's true; it may seem kind of strange how the bottle describes the "zing" as "velvety," but it's actually very smooth and creamy... providing you keep the stuff in your mouth and not let it hit further back on the palate.)
Well... that's it, I suppose. I did take all the photographs myself, especially the ones of the bottles though I also did crap out that photo on top with the cheese puffs (there have been, more forgiving, photography subjects, than plates of cheese puffs.) Just thought I'd, say that... Dad came in and was amazed, wanted to know where I got the photos... I took them. Took me an hour or so, but, they was a beaut to work with, that's for sure...
ZOOTOPIA WATCH: HAPPY ZOO YEAR
Holycrapholycrapholycrapholycrapholycraaaap
There's a whole post's worth of material to go over from this 2 3/4-minute long snippet alone; even if there is a full 35 seconds of rehashed material (including all that poster at the end.) But, first impressions?
First of all, obviously, (as far as I can tell) this is the first public release of any-at-all of Shakira's "Try Everything;" I mentioned earlier (in a Zootopia watch for a post that, I actually don't think I've posted up yet, hmm...) how vague a message that that title alone conveys, but now we know where that's coming from, and the message is... actually super beautiful.
Second of all: entirely new bits of plot information; random animals suddenly going feral...? A city-wide mystery, quite possibly underlying a larger conspiracy...? At first I thought no way, my theory yesterday was cute but there'd been no mention in anything up to this point, any plot bits that could justify some major twist such as the existence of humans... but freak, man. Just freak.
Third off: man, there's still way more here than I've got any chance of getting to by the new year. I'll think I'll continue running these, up to frame-by-frame analysis where it calls for it, throughout the coming week.
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