Newester Vid

Newest Vid

https://youtu.be/zSzx0C5FzwI

Midnight Sneaks Up On You

Last night of Is There Life After High School? was tonight. I think we all did pretty well. It's been... it's given me life for the past few months I guess, and it's good that I've found framework to stand on my own outside of that project. No job, no paying job, but you can't judge yourself based on that.

articles on books on autism&stuff

So there was this book that won a pulitzer in 2016, and another that didn't (though maybe it was nominated IDK) and here's the author of NeuroTribes, the probably-better book that didn't win the pulitzer, talking about some things in the pulitzer book Autism in a Different Key, which came out after the NeuroTribes one so he was in a position to do that:

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/20/463603652/was-dr-asperger-a-nazi-the-question-still-haunts-autism

Was Dr Asperger a Nazi? question question question.

Ari Ne'eman talking about both books but paying special attention to how Autism in a Different Key represents and misrepresents neurodiversity movement:

https://www.vox.com/2016/1/21/10801846/autism-in-a-different-key

I'mma prolly havta read both these books now, won't I...

Indie Rock Mystery!

So Guilt By Association is a series of albums where indie bands you've never heard of cover their favorite mainstream guilty pleasures; it is such a good time. There's this band on vol 2 that covers Billy Joel in such a delicious crunchy way, and I get into them and the opening track on their second album (and in a different form on their EP) is this infectious loop that's syncopated in a unique way that bugs me because it sounds like I've heard it before...

and so I think about it and it comes to me. I know how it ends.

And that's a story. like a true one i mean

SD Card Slot; I Meant SD Card Slot

But the USB slot either I guess. Graham gracker doesn't fit in there.

I think today was a good day to be good. Sometimes it feels like I'm a bad person and sometimes it feels like I'm bad at personing, but today was one of the good days. No guarantee of better days in the future, but steering things that way possibly idk.

Wheat Thin Does Not Fit in USB Slot

Hahaha, how wacky.

Blinking with Both Eyes

There's still that to get done; we've had no milk all day and everybody expects me to be the one to get it for some reason?? Well, that literally is my job. Or, uh, was; at this point I doubt I'll ever get that Walmart position back. There was an email a few days ago saying that I'd failed my assessment, even though I hadn't retaken it?, so it must have been on a their-side thing?, but whatever.

Still don't know where my debit card is or my new cell phone; if it were so easy to find at the cinema, if I'd actually lost it instead of it having been stolen or possibly really actually having been thrown away accidentally, or something, you'd figure they'd have found it by now. Everything happens for a reason I guess, but, well I've got nothing.

Spoilerts! A Sociotechnological History

As soon as it's finished loading, it will be loaded, and it will be online. This is going to be a popular one. I'm predicting at least two views.

https://youtu.be/y_VT9u6TRtc

Reasons. That's Reasonable.

I'm mad behind on my video. I severity underestimated the subject matter, and here we are a couple weeks later finally with a script that's totally daunting to read into a camera. Whatever.

Think I figured it out, other people bring out such awesome stuff in me because I'm uncomfortable, don't like dealing with people. Love people themselves, but being around anyone else gives me anxiety, puts me out of my comfort zone, where I can, blossom or whatever.

Okay I've Actually Seen Detective Pikachu Now

It actually has plot twists and, well it's an actual proper mystery story, which is nice. Every twist they have to kind of explain to the audience because there's little kids watching and they might not follow along so hot, instead of just letting things be, but that's fine I guess.

There was this light in this scene and it was a really good light. And in another scene there was this light which wasn't as good.

Super psyched for Godzilla at the end of the month.

On a scale of one to ten I give it an Arcanine. (oh my gosh i didn't intend for that to make sense but arcanine has the word "nine" in it so it sounds like i was making a pun i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i thought i was just being silly i didn't mean to i'm so sorrryyyy....)

Paper Aesthetic

Visual snippet from my dream last night: piece of paper, wrinkled, like it's been crumpled up and smoothed back out. On the table, flat, viewed from above. Golden lighting from above, highlighting the texture. Seated figure, unseen except for its shadow, in front of the paper with their own colored lighting from behind, falling onto the paper except for at the figure's head's shadow, which is red. Maybe stretching out its arm and writing onto the paper with a smooth pastellike pencil, leaving writing pure black on the page.

whaaaa???

Well I guess I'm going to have to go back to those people's houses and, update them?? I never tracked it down with the Christmas pageant people, so that's something I won't have to do the same for...

But, well okay let's go back through it: you know how I figured at the start that maybe the phone was lost at the, Smash Ultimate party, because it had just come out the day before so let's play it? Only I checked and double-checked the sofa where I'd sat, and it wasn't nestled in there anywhere, and so I figured, the weather report location was sent to this specific address so it must have been taken there somehow?

It turns out it really was in the sofa the whole time?? Even though we'd... checked it, just... just so many times... i mean i don't even...

At least now my new phone is dope. and this old one is, well it's got pinterest on it so I don't have to redownload it... so still pretty dope...

Though obviously it doesn't have service anymore. Wifi, but no data.

Found It In People

I'm also more creative around other people, of course. I'm not a naturally funny person, but I can see why people would think that, and heck maybe I am actually naturally funny. Ba-dum-tsshh.

I miss college though, like, a lot. Things move here only in jerks and starts.

Mother's Day???

It would have been five years ago I guess todayish that I had my last phone call home from my mission. Now there's five years' worth of difference, with these missionary kids being able to all call home every week and all. Idk. Just something that... well it's something.

I feel like I should say something more, but... I said the closing prayer in church today, that's something that happened.

Detective Pikachu Review!

Detective Pikachu was a pretty slow movie. As visually stunning as a 45 minute long, uninterrupted one-take shot in the Library of Alexandria is, navigating through twists and turns as the young Pokemon and his clones searched for the final effects to complete the ritual to summon an ancient Babylonian thunder god to open the portal to regain the powers of Pika lost at the beginning of the film, I'm afraid some of its more subtle symbolism may have been lost on a young audience. In fact, I'm not entirely sure myself the significance of the scene where all humans are skeletonized when they hear the Name of the LOST DIVINE. And the scene where ASH KWTCHUM turns to the audience with eyes of a color never seen before on Earth, opening his mouth to a sound of rushing leaves and proclaiming the ancient gnostic secrets, may have been a bit scary for children. YOU WILL SLEEP AND NEVER AWAKEN. AGUAI AGUAI RETSUN NASHULATH CHLUBUTHUL. THEY WHO ARE HIDDEN SHALL FEAST UPON THE SUBSTANCE. CHARIZARD CHARIZARD CHARIZARD CHARIZARD. CHLUBUTHUL NAGIRAGI HEMTHORATH.

M E E L T T T I F I N I I N I N I VVVVV.

The Bulbasaurs were pretty cute though.

Steam of Conscious from the Retirement Concert

This isn't what you're looking for, is it? I cried out, and cried, at How Can I Keep from Singing. Hot dog tomorrow... no hope of making it? Start out mean, but soften up toward others as we experience things together- see them as people. 

I stayed to the side, no part of this though adjacent to those who were. Maybe I wanted to be part of it, but in the end I was just proud to be amongst those who were.

Creativity Speeds

New thought that makes me feel a little better eh: I am actually creative, though I can't just come up with a silly two-minute "everyone's speaking Chinese to this kid, but at the end [ironic trombone noises] it turns out he doesn't even speak Chinese" idea like John can. I develop deep rather than wide; ideas fit easier into a character I've already developed than just making characters up on the spot.

When doing Persistence of Memory w/ K, they were able to crank out backstories on the ensemble cast like it was already all pre-imagined or something, while my backstories were slow in coming forth, developing drip by drip.

Halfway Through

I can't really say with much degree of truthood that today's been productive for me at all. In fact I regressed a lot of ways today. 

This week feels so long. It's only Wednesday, which is a lot further into the week than I'd thought we'd get. On Tuesday and even Monday I kept on thinking it must have been the end of the week, when it was only the beginning. I guess we're halfway through something at least. 

Is this what a threshold feels like? Feeling like I don't want the future to come, while at the same time the future's not coming quickly enough? And it's really destroying my present, because the only way I can enjoy it is unhealthily. I seriously ate, almost a whole thing of graham crackers and frosting, today. And barely got on any of the projects I should have been doing today. 

But I guess things are alright. I was somehow the lightest I've been in a couple of months this morning, which means that at least I won't get too fat off of that. And so on.

Couple o Yesterday Things

Dinner, Dad invited a new church member, a filmmaker invited so that he could talk to me about filmmaking. I might be doing stuff on set with him later. He’s got dope equipment though personally, so that’d be nice to get hands onto. Talks a lot, while I’m better at communicating through writing than speaking. Were I to become a film director how would I make my intent known? Just get used to speaking out loud? They say I’m a creative person, but John (the guy’s name) he’s just whizzing out new ideas, and, frankly like, that’s the way to do it. I feel so small compared to that. 

Then at rehearsal, they applauded my solo. We went through the entire first act, and I guess this was the first time most of them had heard it, but still. They all applauded me. None of them terribly shabby singers themselves, and… I don’t know. I guess I spend too much time alone, or… don’t know how to gauge my own strength, too used to myself and thus am not confident in what I’m comparatively good at. 

Application Gaslighting

Alright, you know how I said a couple of days ago that the application went away, or invisible, or however it's done? I'm no longer certain that that was the case that that even happened at all, because now the application is just as submitted as it ever was, with the assessment just as failed as it ever was. Maybe that application did disappear for a time, and the fact that it's back now is a mark of progress? Or maybe that, but instead it's a mark of, well that experiment didn't work. 

Just Starting

But "just" could mean so many different things. Only starting?: Start the task, and don't follow through? Simply starting?: Only it really isn't so simple, because "start" could also mean different things? Recently starting?: No that's not what I meant at all.

(And Those Eisenhower Dollars? Classic.)

So sleepiness may be a symptom of depression but it's also a symptom of sleep deprivation, and, now that I think about it... yeah my schedule's been messed up for the past weekish, and, maybe just, became my new normal. Staying awake at night is just something that kind of happens with me. Pulled a couple of all-nighters though, definitely not normal, about a week ago... would there be enough time for my body to readjust though? 

It's mostly little naps. Less than an hour but feeling like a lot longer.

Anyway jobsville: checking my online application, which remember had previously had my application successful but the assessment failed out of nowhere; now the application is disappeared entirely, which means I can re-apply I guess and retake the assessment... only, as the job I'd had has obviously been gobbled up in the month I've been gone, it's like re-apply to what? It's true that it does allow you to apply for a position and let you sit on it until it opens up, but at this point... at this point, it really sucks but it'd be a lot quicker to find work elsewhere. rrrg... 's blows.

But I'm no expert. Maybe they're holding something, and it's invisible, or something.

Head Trip

My brain chemistry's been super messed up these last few days. It's a personal problem. All I can do is sleep or ignore it, or confront my anxieties head-on, although no matter how illogical I discover my anxieties to be of course it won't soothe them. Still feels like I'm doing something at least.

Got no idea what I'm going to do a video on this weekend. I'll think of something. Meanwhile also have to keep up my streak of social media on other sites. Phew.

Mixed Change and Metaphors

gosh DANG IT WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY

sommink about socks i think...

It was really cool but ultimately trivial anyway, something filler writing as I cleared my head. I think a lot of things, and write a lot of things, and even though important wheels got turned today I'm not sure if this is the venue for that. Setting the ball rolling is the hardest part. I'm juggling some stuff, rolling it downhill. There's a far better mixed metaphor in there somewhere but OHP I REMEMBER WHAT IT IS

my teeth don't hurt as much anymore; Easter basically destroyed my teeth with all those jelly beans. Reagan is far from my favorite president even out of the Republicans, but the dude had awesome taste in candy and that makes him tough to dislike.

Grant, Grant was a cool dude. We don't use the $50 nearly enough anymore...

It's Got a Weather App and Everything

But golly my new phone is really quite something. I'd been going to say more but then I got distracted by the Wikipedia article on Shakers and ran out of time. God is both man and woman, and yet we should remain celibate? or God is both man and woman THEREFORE we should remain celibate? still trying to figure that one out...