Answer to a Different Question

My mom asked kind of out of nowhere today why I don't seem to read as much as I used to; I used to read all the time. Digesting this, I did not answer at that time; I read a lot still, but not really books, books haven't been my go-to source for entertainment / edification for years. Which is weird, because it's a preferred method of reading, for me; I've got multiple tabs of research opened up on my laptop, dauntingly, which text I would breeze through were it printed out in a physical medium.

(Speaking of reading things online, I posted up a new post today on Pretzelize Me, Cap'n!, which you can read if you waaant, totally optional but there for you.)

I guess the answer is that I'm, out of all the things I love pursuing, building up more of a visual vocabulary, because my verbal vocabulary (I guess you just call that a literal vocabulary) is, trying to think of a really fancy way of saying "sufficient" but sufficient itself is, sufficiently, sufficient.

Alright, so maybe it's not perfect or anything, maybe I write a bunch anyway. (It should me noted that the question was queried to me as I was writing something down.) That's an option open for me, and sure I've got some verbal prowess, but that's not the only arena I enjoy and am good at, and so I'm gearing toward more visual arts over literary ones (there's always a literary element to anything anyway.) Not only do I have words engraving themselves and bursting out of my skull, I've also got blocking and editing and camera movements doing so.

Funny. The more I research film making, the more I realize how collaborative a medium it is.* There's an upside and a downside to this; others can fill in my gaps (and there are plenty of gaps to any vision of mine), but it's arbitrary for me to be the leader when my knack for leadership is merely above-average rather than exceptional**. Writing, while authors do have a similar massive framework of editors and publishing teams and market researchers and all behind them, is still much more a solitary pursuit, and an entire vision can be carried out executed entirely by one person.

Which sounds fine and dandy by me, but still... Blocking. Editing. Camera movements. Bursting. Out of. My skull. The original conception of "genius" was the spirit of inspiration that visited a person, and not the person him/herself, and yep that sounds about right.

Q & no A

Great news! My mom transferred me $35, so now I'm broke! She wondered why I didn't just tell her about the issue, and yeah that's a question isn't it. 

questions aren't they
The situation resolved itself, so why worry in the first place, was maybe my reason? 

(Am I really so adverse to put in any effort? Do I take nothing seriously?) 

Am I afraid of my parents? Do I not trust their judgement? Or do I trust their judgement too much, knowing they'd be right and thus I'm afraid of that? 

Or is my blogging about things the way that I do deal with issues?

Unfinished Issues

Some kind of stream of self-realization!!?? better than no self-realization I suppose. I'm not comfortable (I'm sure there are people out there who are? but I'm not so I just have to find a workaround?) with showing any WIPs, any works in progress; that goes on to include a lot, and intrude its way into many aspects of my life. 

Including, not start any works, lest someone come across them unfinished. Even alone, where nobody would be around, it takes a while to build up the strength to overcome the inertia to build anything. It's like the indefinite waiting aspect- I'm fine if I know exactly how long I need to wait, if looking forward to something, but just giving me an indefinite "the future" is torture to me since I don't know how large an undertaking it'd be alright for me to attempt, undergo and finish before anybody sees. 

And even if I do "finish" something there's always room for improvement, so... Maybe this goes toward explaining my procrastination in school? I know that if I get started early it's going to take exactly as much time as it will until I'm finished, finished meaning deadline, so why waste all that effort? I'm not going to be satisfied anyway so why not force satisfaction?

Maybe I don't hate graphic design; maybe I'm not even bad at it. I'm ashamed of 90% of my design work from school, possibly higher, but if I put in as many hours in as my teachers recommended... Man what the heck was I even doing, I didn't do anything in school. Even my anxiety attacks were lackluster.

And anyway, not starting on anything because I always lack the tools, so I always hold out on it. Tools meaning, tools, and/or skills as well. I could start on something at least.

Concomitance Trubbles

So in the continuing saga, checking how having negative money in the bank works, from the time I'm underwater I've got a 60-day grace period thing to add money, before I get in trouble! Yay! I probably won't make any money in that time period, but eh that gives me time.

So I guess every part of my worldview is concomitant with every other part of my world view? It makes it very cohesive, but on the downside I'm not very resilient at all because if any part of my experiences are challenged or invalidated, I have to rethink the. whole. thing. The whole thing. And part of my world view is always accepting the possibility that the other person may be right, so. yeah. So yeah.

SO YEAH!!!

Season 12 Discovery

I checked into my bank balance, and what's going on is actually quite simple- I simply have negative thirty dollars in my bank account. That makes sense.

In real news today, it doesn't feel like much happened because mostly I played video games and it's hard to feel productive doing that- but this was actually a moment of personal growth for me, or realizing something about myself, and so let me explain that.

There's a new season of competitive play upon us, Overwatch-wise, and while I never really go in for that I decided it wouldn't hurt, and started my first match on that. We were swept before our enemies; it was a rather easy victory for them.

Man, all I ever do is fail, but I'm not even good at that; you'd figure someone so used to failure would know how to handle it but no I do not.

Were the thoughts that went through my head. Before I realized, I'm not bad at failing; I do know how to handle it. It hits me bad and emotionally, but if it didn't do that then I wouldn't have much incentive to learn from my failures would I; I'm good at handling failures because they hit me so hard.

The important thing is going back in there! And so I did, and we won, and it was great, and my team has been losing pretty consistently since then; I've won but two games today, and am a total burden on my team. But I'm becoming less of such.

Little World & Big Stars

Looking out at the night sky because you have nothing better to do because you're locked out of the house and it's night and you're tired but have to stay awake to fight off any night mosquitoes which may come, gives you perspective. On how small the world is, and how small our dreams really are. But what else is there to follow, the world being so small, the way it is?

Grown-Up Business

So I don't really have any news today; the Patreon front seems interesting enough but I haven't looked into it at all to find out what the hex going on. I think my utter lack of concern is what led to the situation, but I'm utterly unconcerned by that as well.

As long as I'm on the subject though, somebody randomly flagged the Furry Experience patreon for, adult content, which is patently untrue?? So that's pretty weird there eh. It means that she's making her posts there public until the situation resolves, which means I can link you to the post where she talks about it so you can read more about it there if you want even if you're not a patron, but it also means that you have to certify that you're at least 18 if you do want to read the announcement. 

Jolly hilarious.

https://www.patreon.com/posts/adult-content-21167531?

Heh... heh heh...

😱 So, somehow that transaction went through... in its entirety... Just going to show that money works how I thought, even less than I thought. I think there's some kind of, buffer, especially with, automated payments? Like there's a, check one, and it goes through with a positive, and then a check two which would come back negative, and so then it would come in through someone else's overflow because the cash has got to come from somewhere and it certainly can't come from me...? Or maybe the next time I make money, if I'm ever actually making money ever again 'cause I don't know, it's been like a quarter of a year since I've been paid anything except lunch money, it's going to drain out of a hole in my bank account and go to the bank instead, for the money owed?? And hopefully that wouldn't pooch up my credit for the rest of my life and nvm of course it will?

I've got no idea the level of concerned I should be. There might technically be a breach in contract in there somewhere; that doesn't count as perjury, does it?

On the bright side, maybe now that I'm not suspending payment for two months in a row, I can skip payment to patreon for a pay period again.

Patreon Death

So, logging into Patreon today to suspend payment for another month, seeing how the payment goes through on the first of every month and that's tomorrow, I find that I can't do it? They changed something our something; I can cancel my payment entirely but I can't just skip a pay period. Maybe you're not allowed to do it two months in a row; I've got no clue. I don't want to cancel my subscriptions/support, but neither am I able to pay.

But like maybe it's like the Barnes and Noble thing, where it like killed itself when it saw it couldn't go through; if they're in multiple transactions, one per pledge, it might still slip through for one of them, but that would require the savings-to-checking rollover. Trying to check my e-receipts if it's in a lump sum or not; if it is then no worries.

(Watching Paddington on Netflix)

You need a seventeen minute twenty-eight second explanation about how rad the Paddington films are? No worries, mate; Patrick (H) Willems has got you covered. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LSq0308_g7c

Face Fit for Streaming

I got called handsome today...! Reminded this lady of someone she'd seen on TV... But she couldn't recall who.

If you haven't seen it, my beard is now better trimmed and even more magnificent than in my last YouTube video, the ~vlog of a week ago. Which, I'm not remaking? Think I'll just, move on, and start making fresh engaging content elsehows. Got so many ideas today. Good stuff. It's so much more inspirational to watch the high quality videos over the other stuff.

Westminster Canvas

Blank canvas is intimidating, but that intimidation is the most familiar part of creation, the step zero that all must experience, as well-known and background noise as that... hold on let me look it up... Westminster Quarters, the Westminster chimes, so accustomed as we are to our chiming clocks that it all just glides along as natural a part of reality as air being transparent.

...that was overwritten; i'm sorry, i'm tired...

but yeah i have things i want to blog about but mostly stuff that would be perfect for pretzelize me, cap'n! instead of for over here. it's easier to write here though because i'm already logged in right now but it's not easy to write right now anyway because I'm tired, everything sliding easily, like westminster quarters.

One Day/Last Week

Last week was super long for some reason; maybe the days felt full of purpose or something? Today I haven't had a single good/creative idea all day, when yesterday especially was full of insight and connectivity. So today felt long in that; actually felt longer than any of the days last week.

The Little Lost Breakfast Who Could

Nobody probably watched the video yesterday, since nobody watched the YouTube video I put up four days ago and embedded exclusively on this blog- nobody watches any of the videos I put up, or at least according to my YouTube's metrics, any of my own videos (unlisted videos do work the way I think they do, right, I mean you should have all been able to see that?,) but no matter! It was a very very weird video, and I posted it up as an act of deadline desperation. It was, the least weird, of his videos, that I could find.

Q Rais is the name of the artist; I can't make heads or tails of any of his (?) stuff, and I have a suspicion the situation would be the same even if I were fluent in Japanese. He (??) also does, like, comics and stuff, in Japanese, which is how I discovered, them.

But I just love weird things, don't you?

Q Rais

Focus

Doing the reboot remake is taking longer than anticipated; the focal length nearer to the camera is super short so it's easier to be out-of-focus? If you're so much as an inch off it'll do that to you. Recommended fixes?

Stand back further
Get someone else to focus the camera so you don't have to worry about it yourself
Get a wider-angle lens with smaller possible f-stop size (meaning wider possible focal distance.)

I'm eyeing a lens for that last option, but it looks like I'll just have to go with either firsts for now.

Whatever Happened to Why the Lucky Stiff?

Hey look an article about a thing I like! 

Too tired right now to write much more about it. Mmbleh.

http://www.slate.com/articles/technology/technology/2012/03/ruby_ruby_on_rails_and__why_the_disappearance_of_one_of_the_world_s_most_beloved_computer_programmers_.single.html

Reboots and BARSK PODCASTS

The video was easier to do than I anticipated, and with my current schedule I have the ability to produce a video a day, instead of once every however many weeks like last time. Tomorrow I'm remaking this video; it's all out of focus, but I think it had spunk enough to publish at least on private.



Do I want to be a YouTuber? Is that what I really want? It's what I kinda want, but I don't really care about, doing anything for subs or whatever. But, my goodness, look at me up there, I'm clever and smart and gorgeous; I don't want to do this for myself, but to grace you little people with my presence. 



Anyway. Check it out, a bonus episode of Writing Excuses came out today! It was recorded when Barsk: The Elephants' Graveyard was written, but slipped through the cracks, and is now posted up in honor of The Moons of Barsk!



https://writingexcuses.com/2018/08/22/13-b1-bonus-episode-elephants-and-death-with-lawrence-schoen/

Returning Soon

Did I not blog last night? Whoops. 

Did I not post the above up last night? Whoops.

Two days later, then; I've got a lot but I think I'll save anything I have to say for tomorrow... not for lack of time to write it tonight; it's not about the writing. I'm feeling, a different format... a VIDEO format.

Tati's Chef

There's a scene in the Sylvain Chomet film The Illusionist which is presented so matter-of-factly and naturally it takes a while to realize how remarkable it is. Jaques Tati "interacting" with himself. This... this is the kind of thing I would use my YouTube channel for; I guess I still have time to put videos together. The Barnes and Noble thing and the Adobe account actually would go onto their next pay period within a day of each other, so I've still got a couple of weeks for both, not that I use either much. This is what financial responsibility looks like, cutting the fat.

Anyway, like the way it's been set up that TV and movies are live-action instead of animated, and the way that it's set up just in framing and the unusually long shot lengths, especially for Western Animation and animation in general, is what I was going on about. It's fine.