Ocean's 25

What's up, you guys? I'm Matt Damon. I'm here
to tell you a tale about a dear
old friend of mine. His name, in case you have
not guessed, is George Clooney. Others in staff
include Nic Cage, Bruce Willis, Steve Carell,
and the entire cast of Ocean's Twelve.
(Plus that thirteenth guy in Ocean's Thirteen.
No wait, Bernie Mac's dead, add Charlie Sheen.)

So, now that Danny Ocean has his crack
team of thieves, he will go and he will hack
the code for getting past the doors of that
new Vegas casino, the Fancy Cat.
Along the way, he'll have to pull eight bank
heists, steal a helicopter, and a tank,
intercept all of the video feed,
impersonate several officials, weed
out the traitor, and deal with secrets from
his past. Can our hero do it? That's dumb.
He's George Clooney! He can do anything!
Now sush down, and I, Matt Damon, will sing
--or at least tell in verse-- how awesome it
is. Okay, so, one day, George and Brad Pitt
were sitting and talking about the good 
old golden thiefy days when you could
break into a bank or casino
whether it be in Vegas or Reno
and it would actually break the bank.
You have modern technology to thank
what with these ATMs and digital
transactions credit cards, original
ways to stack the odds are impossible.
The only way is through un-boss-able
teenage hacker punks. Then George realizes
that he may have a few more surprises
up his sleeve. He tracks where the Fancy Cat
gets its money, and then- imagine that!-
He writes a bunch of bouncing checks to the
eight banks, so they'll all crash, and then he
goes to check out the Fancy Cat's own vault,
past the security. He finds a fault
in the passcode system: anyone with
military I.D., and this is no myth,
could get past it. So he steals a tank and
helicopter before the code is scanned.

Voila, he's in. So! You've seen him steal
from eight banks, and the chopper and tank, and deal
with his past. He's impersonated dudes
and looped the video, breaking into
the vault. But, wasn't there this other thing?
It was on lines sixteen and seventeen.
Oh, yeah! He had to weed out the traitor!
Who could be this mysterious satyr?
I've got to admit it. The traitor is me.
I, Linus Caldwell, am the Bourne Identity.
But don't worry, it's safe, everything's cool:
I lost my memory and now clean the school.
(Good Will Hunting, in case you couldn't tell.)
"What's up with these film mashups?" you ask. Well,
Let me say this: I've moved to Bollywood to break a leg.
Oh crap! I just got shot by Daniel freaking Craig!

So, what's the moral of this tale, where Bond... James Bond,
assassinates Jason Bourne? What's the deal? Where's the magic wand?

The moral, children, is something you can bear to face:
Sometimes Hollywood is a pretty messed-up place.