IEPs

   I've been flipping through my old medical records, which are actually mostly old school records, mostly IEPs (Individualized Education Plans) because of my ASPARAGUS IN THE ROOM, which I suppose does count as medical? But I got a good view of myself, as a student. What I must have been like, this mind impenetrable to all but myself. And even I don't have a clue what I was thinking during some of the psychological tests they administered. Those only show the what, not the why. So I guess now would be a good time to try to explain the why.

   It's... frightening. A lot of it is. My past self. My file. The plans made for me, the mechanisms designed to give me a normal schooling experience.

   Special Education wasn't a regular class of mine since, uh, at least after 2004. For 2004, my IEP says the student will spend 90% of his or her school day in the regular educational environment. So, by then I was-- 2005, 86%? What the hay? It dropped! The amount of time in the regular educational environment dropped! What was that- was that from sixth the seventh grade? Oh, okay. I was transitioning into Junior High. But still, I spent most of my school day in a normal classroom

   Gifted and Talented Education doesn't count, nor does the speech therapy I underwent, I don't think. But my teachers had special in-class programs (here in the computer program sense of the word) in place to cool me down in case I got out of hand. But I didn't realize that. That went through a lot of iterations of these programs, trying out different tacks, which I guess is what made it invisible to me. It was there, and it was invisible, because it changed. I must have improved my behavior due to these, but I didn't realize it. I'm not sure if I even realized my behavior was abnormal. Maybe inappropriate, but what I did wasn't (considered by me to be) tantrums. Just a perfectly normal reaction.

   I must have realized and worked to correct some of this behavior- for example, the case file on the speech therapy says I was actively working to correct my own problems in mispronunciation, and was dismissed from their services on May 6, 2005. I didn't realize I had a speech problem before that therapy, but I was given an examination seven and a half years prior, on November 11, 1998, which stated I was eligible. I had apparently been in speech therapy all along since then. I didn't know I was in speech therapy, though, until the fifth grade, and I wouldn't even have known I was in it that long beforehand if I didn't see the date on the report. I thought I had both started and ended it in fifth grade. Nope, K-7. It's like these invisible strings were pulling me and I had no idea all along. Which is another scary thing.

   By the end, when I did know I was supposed to be in speech therapy, I was apparently actively trying to correct my pronunciation (maybe because I knew that I had a problem.) So they dropped it. Once again, without my realization. I didn't even know they had dropped it, until just now when I reviewed the old file, and realized what it said and meant. I didn't know. That they had dropped it, that I was improving. But ever since they dropped my speech therapy without my knowledge, I've always been self-conscious of my own speech patterns, thinking I had never improved.

   That's another scary thing, how I could have been so oblivious to the things that were told me (or at least should have been told me.) You want me to make a list? Very well. I shall do so.