A Sort of Homebeing

   It's still kind of weird. Especially the timeframe of it all- yes, it still took a full 24 hours for each of those days of the last few mission weeks which it still feels like I should be on- those days were normal daylength, yes, and I can cognisate that. But. The way those days fit together in the way that leaves it so that those hours not only happened but also somehow dumped me here into the present, it still doesn't fit together 100%. Maybe it never will. So, yes, having my mission behind me, being home, this major change in the status quo, it has the liability to list towards surreality. Black Friday is not helping.*

   I'd always thought that when I got home I wouldn't immediately try to catch up on all the films that came out while I'd been cut off from that part of the world- rather I'd first start by rewatching all the shows and movies that I have seen but want to watch again. (Monk marathon at my place, everyone!** It starts... as soon as I build up enough interest in it, and after getting used to the idea of Netflix again.)

   And I keep, I don't know, expecting things to snap back and cut me off from that. No, actually, no, I don't "expect" it-- subconsciously, though, it feels like I should be running out of time. Just with my base assumptions: I've got the mentality, oh no, get on it quickly, there's not much time left that you can do this! Until I realize, I can take my entire life. I've got my entire life ahead of me. I want to finish my, you know, thing, I don't have to get it done within the next couple months...

   The stagnation of many returned RM missionaries makes sense to me now. They put in their best two years, heck maybe even sacrifice it all, really put themselves into it, and it's enjoyable and it's a blessing and then they get back... What do they do? ... What would you do? Just a month ago I'd thought that I totally had it made, and I was ready to tackle the world and my ambitions and myself, not necessarily in that order... It was a fairly common topic of angst a month ago still on the mission, which bore much fruit: that, for a later time.

   And, being home, it's like- sure, I've got all these notes for all these projects I'd put on hold and now am maybe even eager to get back to, except they're all on my harddrive with the connectivity trouble, and maybe I could just blaze my own trail, except my room's super messy and I'm still trying to sort through the aftermath (and the beforemath) and maybe I'm not being as diligent as I maybe could be, on that, but how are you supposed to organize your mess when everything's a mess, and meanwhile I've got all these hobby board games to play and it turns out that I'm not really that great at any of them, and... It's just, not the ideal circumstances.

   But nothing's the ideal circumstances.


*all the new TVs and everything we've got now! and maybe I shouldn't have admitted that.
**In fresh new plasmadisplay 120 fps HD whatever, of course.