The Three Little Pigs

   Once upon a time, there were three little pigs who decided to open up a health food chain. They decided to sell only food that was entirely nutritionally balanced. They thought and they thought about this, thinking, what food meets the criteria for containing all major food groups? It had to have wheat and dairy and fruits and vegetables and proteins as well as sparing fats. Right when they thought that it was hopeless and no one food met all of those criteria, the littlest pig realized, pizza! It has crust and tomato sauce and vegetables and meat and cheese and sparing fats!

   So the three little pigs labored in their pig laboratories, coming up with the perfect ratio of crust to low-fat cheese to vegetables and tomato sauce and meats and sparing fats. Finally, after months of research and development, testing with anonymous double-blind focus groups, they had it: the ultimate balanced pizza. They started off humbly enough, in a local bistro down the street, until the chain began to get picked up by swanky hotels and moved on from their to prime New York locations on Fifth Street and Main, where apparently people are cosmopolitan enough not to question that they were eating pizza made by walking talking swine. From there they expanded across the entire Eastern Seaboard and into central US, opening up prime locations in the UK and Germany all the while as well. In order to attract the valuable youth market and in order to appear hip and edgy, they began producing corny television commercials about how rad it is to eat a balanced diet.

   Such a product began to be noticed by supermegaconglomerates, such as the Big Bad Wolf's, who bought the chain and then promptly ate the three little pig's head off.

   The End.

   The moral: you can't win, you can't get out, you can't even break even. Or whatever it is that they say.